We're still here

Hi Friends...how are you? It's been over a month and I've had a few people ask in this last week or so about where we are in our new process. (And thank you for asking...for walking with us...and for not forgetting us. Please don't ever apologize for asking.) 

Our vacation was amazing...it was a week spent camping RIGHT on the beach, waking up and falling asleep to the sound of the water is incredibly soothing and healing. The Lord really worked on continuing to heal my heart and to speak to my soul in a way that was even more soothing than the waves each day. He brought this passage to my mind: (this is the NLT version)

"God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 

 God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.

God blesses those who are humble,
    for they will inherit the whole earth. 

 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
    for they will be satisfied.

God blesses those who are merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
    for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,
    for they will be called the children of God.

God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

(Matthew 5: 3-10) 

This passage says that those who mourn are shown comfort...the Lord says it's okay to mourn, to take time, to realize that you're upset and hurt and confused...and it says that comfort WILL come. It also says I will realize my need for Him....that I will see God...and that I am a child of the Lord. And isn't that was life is really all about? It is. And I'm thankful for that.

Mike and I have continued to pray and to seek His guidance, and we still feel that we're asked to travel the road of adoption through the foster care system. We have both had our medical exams and we are ready to pick up our application. 

We are also scared. I just told someone last week that I'm all done with making a list of "this, then this, then this...". I'm tired of planning and assuming and being way wrong. So, the only thing on my list is "pick up the application". After that, we'll see what is the next step. (Anyone else remembering the scene in "What About Bob?" when Bob gets the baby steps book? "Baby steps to the door. Baby steps to the elevator". I love that movie.)

Okay, back to the topic at hand. We're taking the "Baby Steps" right now, and while taking those little steps we are asking God to move in BIG ways. Knowing, as we have always known and as we have seen, that it's in the Lords hands. He knows the faces of our children and He knows their stories. And in a situation like adoption when parental rights have been taken away by the state, the fact that the Lord has our children in His hands is what I hold to. (I might write more about that later...it's something I give to the Lord on a daily basis). 

Please don't stop praying for us. As soon as I pick up the application, I will let you all know and we'll continue on our "baby steps" process and excepting big moves from our God. We love you. 

Restoration

It's been awhile since I updated here - sorry. I normally find myself wanting and needing to talk and get all my feelings out there to the world (aka, you) but, these last few months were different for me.

Mike and I attended the orientation/information/first required meeting for our agency about a month ago. It was 3 hours long and full of info...and it was extraordinarily overwhelming to me. I had a minor freak out after it, scared that we didn't have what it takes. And I just found myself tired. Not the sleepy "I need a nap" kind of tired, but my soul was tired. Starting over again...again...was not just discouraging to me, but it was exhausting. I was tired of being hopeful, of looking for "the next step", of telling people what stage we were in for the adoption process. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It's not that I wasn't still dreaming of being a family of more than Mike and I, it's just that my soul was dry...empty...tired. And I didn't feel like I could do it all again. The idea of another application/home study/wait process was too much for me.

I thought about pushing through all of this and just going ahead with the application and "get the ball rolling", but then I decided to let myself be tired. To let myself feel the weight and reality of what we've been through. To let myself be comforted by the Lord as He started to fill my soul again. After talking through all these feelings with Mike, I realized that he knew what I was talking about. We decided to wait until after our vacation to start the application process. This gave me permission to just relax and not be focusing on "the next step"...because "the next step" for me...for us...was to rest. 

This has been amazing for me, and for Mike and I, and I'm so thankful for it. We had more time to mourn and to really accept that the path we thought we were on looks different than what we had pictured. It has given us time to talk about what we want our family to look like and pray about this "new to us" path that we're now on. It's been a time of restoration for my soul. 

I got a text from friend this week that has this quote in it: 

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

 (Chambers)

This quote perfectly fit what I felt. I love that God works through friends and through text and at the perfect time. 

Our vacation is coming up soon and then after that, we will see what needs to be done with our application. But, until then, I am letting the past sleep in His hands...because He loves us. And when we take the next step, we'll be holding those same hands...because He loves us. And I want to let myself soak that in. 

"He restores my soul..." 

(Psalm 23:3)

Father's Day

To our sweet little person, 
Today is Father's Day - a day that we recoginize the fathers and father figures in our lives. Let me tell you a little bit about your Daddy. 

Your Daddy loves you. I know sometimes love for a child in shown more between a mom and the child, but your Daddy loves you so much. He has quietly waited alongside of me all these years, as we traveled this path to get to you.  He has prayed for you. He has dreamed about things you and he will do together. He is already teasing me that you and he will play jokes on me. Never once has he faltered in his dedication to being a family. 

Most men can father a child - but it takes a strong, loving, kind, and Godly man to be the kind of dad  that I know you will have when we become a family. You and he will have struggles and you will knock heads on different things, but that will be because he wants the best for you. He wants you to make good choices and to be brave and to love Jesus. He wants you to be able to laugh and to enjoy life - don't take everything so seriously that there is no room for joy. 

He will make mistakes and he won't be perfect - but he will never stop loving you. I can see it in his eyes today: he can't wait to meet you and to start our life as a family. And I can't wait to see him in the role of "Daddy". 

We love you so much, little person. We dream about you and we pray for you. Goodnight, precious little soul. 

Okay, here's our June 1st answer!

As of last night, we have told our parents the path we feel called to walk, so we can safely put it online. :-) We are planning on adopting a child through the foster care system! It's been nothing short of a crazy ride so I'll walk you all through our last month and a half...

One of the most difficult things about choosing an adoption avenue is that there is no wrong choice. Anyway we could adopt was a great way. But, that did not mean it was the way that the Lord had for our family. Being that last time, we felt that He was leading overseas for adoption, we got information on different international countries. We talked to different agencies. But, nothing felt "just right". So we looked at domestic infant adoption, but still didn't have the peace that we knew was possible. I got frustrated and scared and cried tears of mourning and tears of anger. (And looking back on it, I think those tears were a part of the grieving process for me. Grieving the loss of a dream...the loss of now two children that I knew and loved in my heart, but never in my arms.) I told the Lord "God, we're willing and we're ready - just point us in the direction you want us to go." but I didn't see writing on the wall or have any dreams. There was only silence for awhile.

About two weeks before June 1st, I started feeling a "nudge" in my soul. It was nudging me to look into foster care. I didn't not want this "nudge". It irritated me. Foster care adoption was how I wanted to grow my family since I was 17 (I will share that story later, it's worth it's own posting). I thought it was a little "rude" of God, if I'm being honest, because I was willing to do that when we started this! Why take us to two different countries when we'd end up right back here?? And I decided to not share it with Mike right away because I didn't believe it was real. All the while, I'm still praying for the Lord to point us in the right direction. (Yeah, I know - apparently I'm not a fast learner. Thank goodness for grace!!)

The Friday of Memorial Day weekend, Mike and I had the afternoon off of work and decided to kick off our weekend by going out to lunch. This "nudge" was quickly becoming a "shove" and so, on the way to lunch, I just blurted it out: "I think God wants us to adopt from foster care" and waited for his response. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but his answer of "yeah me too", was NOT it. So, in the next 3 minutes that it took us to get to where we were eating at, we had our answer. There wasn't a whole lot of discussion about it, actually...just peace and excitement. Just the way we knew it should be.

We've been talking with a few agencies since then and this past week have decided which one we think we're supposed to work with. We'll attend one of the orientation meetings and get the process started. We are so excited, guys. 

Last night, we were sitting outside, just enjoying the night, and I was just thinking about where we were this time last year. We were about to have our final home study and I was a nervous wreck. I was worried about pretty much everything and the Lord brought us through it. I don't know all of the reasons why we've walked through what we have in this journey, but I can tell you - without the slightest doubt in my mind - that I have seen miracles in our journey. I have seen Him provide, and I have seen Him work, I have felt His peace and His joy, I have been in darkness but with the knowledge that I'm not alone there. I have no reason to believe that it was an accident. I believe fully we have walked what we should have and that the two precious souls we have prayed for, exist. I'm thankful for these wild, wild years we've had and even though I'm still cautious at times, I know He has a plan. I refuse to not dream and hope for the future. 

So there's our news, friends...our amazing and exciting news!!! Our news that is worthy of celebration and of endless praises to Him. As we start this new path, we ask that you continue to pray for us. And we ask that you pray for our child. Pray for protection for them, for the gentle spirit of the Lord to be with them wherever they are.

We have been so humbled and are so thankful for all the support we've been shown. Your calls, texts, emails, talks, hugs, and prayers have been incredible. I know that your prayers are what got us through some of our hard moments. Thank you for walking with us, for praying for and with us, for crying with us, and for hoping with us. You have been vital to our journey and we love you for that. So, here we go...may the Lord be glorified in our journey.

Writing is how I process my thoughts.

More years ago than I care to admit, a friend introduced me to Rich Mullins songs. He played a song called "Hold Me Jesus" and I was so taken by the honesty and vulnerability of the words. I think I had the song memorized by the end of that week of camp. 

I haven't been sleeping very soundly since we learned the news of Ethiopia. Last night was no exception. I woke up at 2am and felt like my body was burning from the inside out. I flipped and flopped (sorry Mike) and fell back asleep for short intervals until the alarm went off this morning. Needless to say, I was a little crabby this morning.

There is a line in "Hold Me Jesus" that says this: "and I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.". As I was getting ready for my day, I realized that I knew what Rich Mullins meant by that. And I felt myself start to go down a path that is so dangerous. I started to feel like we are victims in this journey. I started to get annoyed at things that I shouldn't. I started to feel like people should feel bad for us and pity the situation. And I realized that those feelings are lies. I am not a victim. 

I'm not saying that this situation doesn't suck. My heart is broken for us, for the other families who are also making tough decisions, and mostly for the children who might never get their families. This totally sucks. And it's okay for us to be sad, and to be angry, and to grieve. But I am not a victim.

We choose to follow what we felt the Lord calling us to. We choose to be faithful and to say "we trust in Your plan". We are not victims because of the journey we are on had taken a different turn than we had hoped. We are not unfortunate because we choose to live our lives for Christ.

 I refuse to let myself be tricked by darkness and fall into the category of "poor me". I chose to follow Him, and I chose to believe (because my heart knows the truth) that His plan for us is bigger and more amazing than I can even fathom. I refuse to let the blisters on my heart control my thinking. "Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf - You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace." 

I don't want pity or to be coddled - I want, no, I NEED prayers. I need encouragement and I need reminders that He is eternally good. I want my heart to cling to Him, because in Him there is hope and joy and peace. In Him, there is life. 

Well, sometimes my life 

Just don't make sense at all 

When the mountains look so big 

And my faith just seems so small 

CHORUS: 

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace 

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 

It's so hot inside my soul 

I swear there must be blisters on my heart 

CHORUS 

Surrender don't come natural to me 

I'd rather fight You for something 

I don't really want 

Than to take what You give that I need 

And I've beat my head against so many walls 

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees 

And this Salvation Army band 

Is playing this hymn 

And Your grace rings out so deep 

It makes my resistance seem so thin 

CHORUS 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace

dark night of the soul- please continue to pray

Hey All, this is Mike. I know I don't post here very often. In light of what has happened I feel led to share what I have been feeling.

I am a fan of good stories. A type of story that really has interested me of late is the Superhero stories. I have been reading a lot of Batman and just saw the last two Avenger movies. What these stories have and what makes them interesting and thrilling is there is a time when all hope seems to be lost. This is sometimes called the "Dark Night of the Soul." When this scene occurs in a movie we are all on the edge of our seats and biting our nails. Without this scene, the story would be boring, there would be no tension.

The news that Ethiopia is basically closing adoption and that our hopes and dreams of adopting a child from Ethiopia is a "Dark Night of the Soul" scene for me. It really has been a downer time for me. Right now it seems like the chance of Natalie and I adopting a child is hopeless. Like a distant dream that will never come true.

The past few days I have been angry with God. I have asked so many questions and have seemed to get so few answers. My temptation is to power through. My temptation is to not name the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal. However, I know I need to name those feelings and grieve. My temptation is to rush out of the "Dark Night of the Soul." I know if I rush out of that place I will miss out on the beauty on the other side.

Today, has been a better day. Not in that I see hope, but that I woke up ready to go, ready to face the day and accomplish what God had for me. Not because I am better, but because I need to continue to fight. Because I want to continue the good fight. There is a child out there for Natalie and I. It is just hard, if not impossible for me to see how that will happen.

As I type this a passage that has meant so much to my family comes to mind. It is Psalm 23. There is one verse that sticks out to me right now. 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Psalm 23:4 NLT)

Even though I am experiencing a "Dark Night of the Soul" I will not be afraid. For God is by my side and he comforts me. Right now I can't see to the other side of this scene. But my hope is, that like all great Superhero movies, that this story ends up with good defeating evil. That Natalie and I will get to share with you in the celebration of a child. Making us a family of three.

Please continue to pray for us as we deal with this pain and as we seek God's will for us. #June1st

Please read this entry - we need prayer.

I haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet. I got home and wanted to write to you all while I was feeling "up" about all this.

We got the news this weekend from our adoption agency that while Ethiopia is not closing it's doors officially to international adoption, they do not believe the country intends to continue adoption of children from their country. There are 11 families who have already been placed with a child and it is their hope to be able to bring those children home, but after that they will be exiting the country. So, we need to start again. Again.

I wasn't totally shocked by this news. As we have already seen with Russia, this happens. But, just because I wasn't shocked, doesn't mean it didn't break my heart. It totally broke my heart and my heart is still broke.

After we got the email, and let it process a little - the tears and emotion came: angry, sad, confused, lonely. As we laid on our bed, Mike prayed and I cried...the ugly type of bawling...snotty nose-puffy eyes-hiccups type of cry. After Mike prayed, he said to me "I just keep hearing the word 'faithful' in my mind." In between my hiccups and sobs, I felt the Lord tell me that He loved me. And I told Him that I didn't want to hear it. (Side note: I'm very thankful for a God who can handle my emotions!!). I decided to go to bed angry at Him that night.

Well, as it turns out - God will not be ignored. He woke me up bright and early to talk. I got out of bed, got my coffee, and sat down in the living room. I opened up my daily devotional by (my future BFF) Shauna Niequist and turned to the date. It was about how when she felt furthest from God, she ended up just holding her Bible and waiting for Him to do something. So, I did that for awhile. And I felt Him tell me to turn to Psalms and read. I got to Psalm 4 and the tears started all over again. Here's what it says: (I've put in bold the parts that He used to speak to my heart)

Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

 How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false god?  

Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.

Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

 Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.

Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

 So I asked Him to fill my heart with joy: something I didn't think was possible, nor did I really know if I actually wanted. I kept repeating: "Lord hear my prayer", even though I couldn't really put into words what I was feeling. And there, in our living room, He gave me joy. It's not a joy that says " I'm fine now, let's dance!", but it's a joy that says "He's not done yet". It's a joy that tells me that we're not forgotten and that those children in Ethiopia are not forgotten. It is a promise that He is eternally good.

Our agency gave us some options, and asked that we let them know by June 1 what we feel is best for our family. So here is where we need your prayers because that's not far away. We need prayers for wisdom and for peace and for joy and for guidance. 

The past 4 four months or so, the Lord has put Ephesians 1:16-21 on my heart to pray for others, and that is what I'm asking that you pray for us. Here it is: 

  I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 

 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.   

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  

 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. 

That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 

 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

 

So there's where we are. Please, friends, pray for us and for the other families who are all making this same choice. We love you.