Another year.

Okay so I haven't been the best (or good at all, haha) at continuing to update in here. Let's fix that now. 

I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay. 

I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel". 

"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel. 

This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year. 

So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.

Restoration

It's been awhile since I updated here - sorry. I normally find myself wanting and needing to talk and get all my feelings out there to the world (aka, you) but, these last few months were different for me.

Mike and I attended the orientation/information/first required meeting for our agency about a month ago. It was 3 hours long and full of info...and it was extraordinarily overwhelming to me. I had a minor freak out after it, scared that we didn't have what it takes. And I just found myself tired. Not the sleepy "I need a nap" kind of tired, but my soul was tired. Starting over again...again...was not just discouraging to me, but it was exhausting. I was tired of being hopeful, of looking for "the next step", of telling people what stage we were in for the adoption process. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It's not that I wasn't still dreaming of being a family of more than Mike and I, it's just that my soul was dry...empty...tired. And I didn't feel like I could do it all again. The idea of another application/home study/wait process was too much for me.

I thought about pushing through all of this and just going ahead with the application and "get the ball rolling", but then I decided to let myself be tired. To let myself feel the weight and reality of what we've been through. To let myself be comforted by the Lord as He started to fill my soul again. After talking through all these feelings with Mike, I realized that he knew what I was talking about. We decided to wait until after our vacation to start the application process. This gave me permission to just relax and not be focusing on "the next step"...because "the next step" for me...for us...was to rest. 

This has been amazing for me, and for Mike and I, and I'm so thankful for it. We had more time to mourn and to really accept that the path we thought we were on looks different than what we had pictured. It has given us time to talk about what we want our family to look like and pray about this "new to us" path that we're now on. It's been a time of restoration for my soul. 

I got a text from friend this week that has this quote in it: 

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

 (Chambers)

This quote perfectly fit what I felt. I love that God works through friends and through text and at the perfect time. 

Our vacation is coming up soon and then after that, we will see what needs to be done with our application. But, until then, I am letting the past sleep in His hands...because He loves us. And when we take the next step, we'll be holding those same hands...because He loves us. And I want to let myself soak that in. 

"He restores my soul..." 

(Psalm 23:3)

Sunday Morning!

Good morning! It's been awhile, huh? I haven't forgotten about you - quite the opposite actually, but more about that in a minute. Let's do an adoption process update.

As I've told you, the international adoption process is not one that will normally gives you whiplash from the speed of things. (Yes, I know there are some random cases that move super fast and its all a blur, but for the most part - it's a game of waiting). Adoption out of Ethiopia has been pretty slow for everyone...all adoption agencies everywhere are experiencing the same things. But, since the beginning of the year, almost 10 families in our agency have been able to bring their little ones home! How wonderful is that?? These families have been waiting for so long and some had already met their children and were waiting for court approval to be able to bring them home! It makes my heart so happy, and so hopeful, to hear updates like that. One day, Lord willing, that will be us! We are encouraged that these families are celebrating like that. Our prayer is that updates like this keep happening so we can bring our little one home sooner. :-) But, as I've said before - there are no promises in adoption. Our only promise is that God's name will be glorified and our hope is that our lives continue to reflect where we find our hope and our strength. So, we will continue our path and praise Him for His provision and for this journey. 

I've felt like I have never fully caught up from our accident in January. I was down for 4 days after our crash and part of me feels like I've been 4 days behind ever since. I know Mike has felt the same way. We're tired and I feel like I should always be looking around me, trying to figure out what I've forgotten to do. It's been overwhelming and it's kinda been a buzz kill for me. I have been wanting to write to you all, but I've felt a little embarrassed that I haven't had anything huge and exciting to with share with you. I've felt like it would be disappointing for you to open and update and read "nothing knew to report on the adoption front, but here's how I'm a mess...".  So I've opened up this journal a few times and typed a little, only to delete it and turn off the computer. I just felt like nothing I had to say was of any substance, so I just didn't say it. 

This past week, Mike's paternal grandmother passed away. As we stood at the visitation at the funeral home on Friday night, catching up with family we haven't seen in awhile, the Lord knocked on my heart and asked me to listen. I had a few family members tell me that they are following along with us. I mentioned to one that I just didn't feel like I had anything to say, so I hadn't been writing. She told me "just use it as a diary!". And the Lord seemed to slow my mind down to make sure that that moment stuck out to me. 

Earlier in the day, I had put this quote on Facebook from Shauna Niequist (my future best friend. If you haven't read any of Shauna's books, you should):

 There are two myths that we tend to believe about our stories: the first is that is they're about us, and the second is that because they're about us, they don't matter. There's nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is, in fact, nothing bigger. When we, any of us who have been transformed by Christ, tell our stories, we're telling the story of who God is. And when we tell the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in Sunday School.

Are you shaking your head at me? It's okay, you totally can - because I did.

Here's the truth that I got from the Lord: my story right now matters. As I stood in the funeral home, I realized that people were not remembering only one part of Mike's grandmas life. They all remembered something different, every part of her life mattered. My story doesn't only involve adoption. He is working in so many other parts of my life, and while it's all intertwining with my future role as a mommy, it all matters right now.

It matters RIGHT NOW if I am loving to people who I don't feel like loving. It matters RIGHT NOW if I am compassionate. It matters RIGHT NOW if I choose to give my feeling of "being 4 days behind life" to God and let Him take over. RIGHT NOW. God didn't start my story when we started to adopt. He doesn't put my story on hold when the adoption process isn't moving. He doesn't forget about me. He is always there, always moving, always asking me to take His hand and follow Him. He is always asking me to love, to help, to pray, to show compassion, to forgive, and to be forgiven.

So I'm asking the Lord to remind me of this, when I feel like I have nothing to share. He's never not doing something. And the story of Him working in my life is worth sharing. It's what I'm called to do. He is orchestrating the most beautiful piece of music, and we get to be a part of it. You and I.  Because what He's doing in YOUR life is also worth sharing. Your story matters. It matters right now, it's worth sharing right now.

You, my friend, matter to me! Thank you for asking about our journey, for following along, for supporting us in every way possible. 

"Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like He taught us to. Let's echo the His words, and let our live speak those words: IT IS GOOD." 

(Shauna Niequist)

Orange fabric pews.

I had a hard time explaining this to Mike yesterday, but sometimes it's easier for me to write than it is to talk...my thoughts seem to flow better when the nuisence of speaking is not a barrier. Let's try this. 

We spent 24 hours in my hometown this weekend. We go home fairly often, so that wasn't unusal, but Sunday morning we went to services in the church that I grew up in (something we haven't done in 6 years, and even before that it was probably only a handful of times since we got married...which happened there!). When I say that I grew up there, I'm not lying...I literally spent a good portion of my childhood/teenage years there. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, youth group overnighters, my school was a part of it so weekdays from 8-3pm I was there, and my mom also worked there in the offices so time was spent after school was done before we went home. My mom actually went into labor with me while she was there. I got married there. I said "goodbye" to my Grandpa there. I realized that God had a reason for me to be alive while I was there. I made lifelong friends there and I made friends who were there for a minute, but left permenant impressions on my heart. This place is more than a walls, floors, funny sloped ceilings, and the memory of horrible orange fabric pews for me...it played a major role in shaping me to be who I am. Good memories, bad memories, laughter, fights, tears, and things that I will always keep in my heart. 

What I was trying to explain to Mike, and eventually did after stumbling over my words and trying to align my thoughts, is that the 2 hours we spent in that building yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember sitting on the "organ side" of the sanctuary in church one Sunday morning my first year of college and just asking God what He wanted. I was so annoyed at life. I felt that I should be doing things that I wasn't doing and that I had no way to start those things. I wanted this and that and what they had. I wanted it to hurry up and I felt like He wasn't tracking with me, haha. So I threw up some prayers and just let it go. 

As we sat in that same santuary yesterday, I realized that if God had just given me what I thought I wanted back then and put me on the track of life that I "knew" I wanted, I wouldn't have this life that I have now. And it got me thinking about this path we are on and how the journey is worth it. 

I can look back at that building and see how God used it to mold me to who I am as I write this to you. I can see how He used people there to teach me and walk by me when I was young, and how some of them are still teaching me and walking by me today. (SV and KW, you both have meant so much to me and I'm so thankful for you). And in this same way, I know that when our sweet baby is in our arms, I will look back on this time and feel the same. I will remember the laughter, the tears, and how they all played a part. 

I'm so thankful for those two hours yesterday - so thankful that the Lord gave me such a tangible way to feel His promise and the hope He calls me too. Thankful that He is in control and that He is here in this "waiting" time, just as He was then and how these days aren't to be wasted. He is good and I am thankful. 

What is true.

I think if I ever write a book about our adoption journey, I'm going to have to do a spin off of "Mr Toads Wild Ride" as a title because that's what life feels like to me sometimes. 

I didn't write to you at all in February, but since it was a short month, let's say that was the reason and not the actual truth which is: I'm kinda riding the struggle bus lately. And I am well aware that I am buying my own ticket and putting myself on the bus, but I've definitely been a passenger this last month. 

Here's another truth for you: on my voyages riding the bus, I have realized that God is faithful. All. The. Time. Even when I would actually prefer Him not to be. He is there in the morning, He is there when I'm going throughout my day, and He is there awhile I sleep. Which means, He knows what's going on and He is in control. He is faithful when I would rather prefer to believe that He has forgotten about me. I would rather believe that He wants me to take the reigns and take the path that I think would be easiest. I find myself annoyed sometimes at His plan and I feel frustrated that I know what is true and what is right. 

While I'm at it, let's just keep going with this "truth" thing...I believe that God is in control of this journey and what I have been struggling with lately is the nagging voice in my head and in my heart that is saying "you're never going to get what you dreamed of" because that voice is trying to get me to take my eyes off of Him and focus on "what I won't have". It is trying to move my center. 

I'm not trying to be vague here or dramatic. This is just what I'm going through right now and I don't want to ignore it. We are still on our journey and we still believe that this is where we should be. We have had chances lately to change our path, but we just don't have peace about it. It's kinda frustrating, to be honest. But, I have to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him. Yes, we know other ways might be faster. Yes, we know there are children all over the world and right here that need families. Yes, we wish it would go faster. Yes, this is hard. But He hasn't forgotten us...He knows my name. He knows my heart, He is the one who's keeps it beating. He knows what I dream of and what my heart aches for, He gave me the ability to dream and to love. He knows. He actually sits next to me on the bus and asks me if He can help me get down the step to the sidewalk again. He is faithful. All. The. Time. And I want to be faithful to Him and what He is calling me too. I want His fingerprints to be evident on all things. 

So, here's to Monday and to our journey and to returning this ticket to struggle bus. I want to walk. 

So, here's where are...still...

Here's the thing: we personally haven't done anything for our adoption since my last post. Nothing. Not one thing. Zero things. Our village (that's you) has still been amazing. You have continued to ask, and to pray, and to give, and to support. But, Mike and I have been struggling.

It's not that we are purposefully neglecting our paperwork, it's that it seems like every time we think we're going to have time to sit down and check off some boxes, something really big comes up. And it's driving me crazy. I've always been really honest with you guys with my lack of patience and my constant struggle to not jump ahead of the leader...so you should not be shocked with the fact that I'm so frustrated with this "pause".

On our way to the church Mike was teaching at last night, I was sharing my frustration with him how we don't seem to have the time I had hoped we would have and how we're not as far into this paperwork process as I wanted to be. He validated my feelings...but then he brought it all back to where it should be. He said  "God doesn't promise things to us on our time, He has His own time...look at Abraham, it took 20 years for him to fulfill His promise". Gah...right in the realness. 

Then, as I was messaging with a sweet friend, she shared something from her life with me... and she used the words "finding peace with God, without putting stipulations on the relationship with Him." and, again, it was like a poke right to the heart...right into the "knows". I totally have been putting stipulations on my relationship with the Lord in this. Ugh...let the humbling begin...

I realized that I had let myself come to a place where I just assumed that the Lord could put our lives on "auto pilot" so we could get this stuff done. I assumed since this part was so time consuming, He would let us "skate by" for awhile.  "God, I'm doing what you want, now please just hold the phone for a second". Not really a Biblical idea...nor is it what happened. Nor should it have, honestly. God never says "come follow me, and I'll make it super easy for you." But, He says "Come follow me, and I'll walk with you...I'm never going to leave you." When did my heart decide it was okay to forget that?

The things that have come up in our lives, are big things. They are things that have forced us to put our full attention on Him, to trust Him, to watch Him work in all areas, and we have been amazed. And, I realized, I was being a little (okay, maybe a lot) selfish in my refusal to acknowledge it all and only focus on what I wanted to be doing. I was loosing sight of what God does daily and every minute...and of how He not only provides for us as adoptive parents, but He provides for us as His children. And I'm thankful...

So there's where we are...still...but it's where we are and I'm actually thankful for it now. Because He is gracious...and He is loving... and He is forgiving...and He is in control.

Here's my prayer request for our village (again, that's you haha): I'd love to be able to start working on our paperwork...but I want to make sure that my heart and mind stay focused on what (actually, Who) it should be on. So please pray that we have time to get some stuff done but pray that we are able to keep our hearts thankful for what we have been given. I don't want this to become "another thing to get done"...I want to keep a heart of gratitude and a heart that is seeking Him and what He wants.

Thanks for being there for me, Village and for surrounding us like you have. Thanks K for sharing your heart with me, the Lord used your honesty to speak to my heart. And thanks, Mikey...for reminding me of what's true.

Adoption drum-roll please...!

I don't know how to type the sound of a drum-roll..."bbbrrrrrrr..."? That just sounds like I'm trying to type out the sound of being cold. I can't figure out the proper drum-roll sound.

Anyway. Drum-roll please......because of you and the matching grant, we have the amount of money that we need to pay when we turn in our Dossier! AND the money we are saving now is the money that is due when we accept the referral of our child!! After that amount, we start saving for the trips to Ethiopia (4 round trip plane tickets to Africa is no joke!) and the final amount that is due at the end of our adoption process. You guys...this is happening and I'm so excited and I'm so amazed and I'm so thankful.

You all know how much I've let the cost of international adoption worry me. It's a very significant amount of money that I didn't see how we would be able to pay by ourselves, but the Lord said to me in the beginning: "watch me work" and I have and I'm amazed. And we haven't had to do it by ourselves...none of this journey has been walked alone. He has provided you! He has used all of you, friends, and your willingness to give and to help and to pray and to walk with us. So, thank you. Your kindness has shown me Jesus.

Everything that's happened in this adoption process has been wild to me and nothing I ever expected. But, what I think amazes me the most (and something I am so thankful for) is the friendships that I have made and that have been able to grow through it. I sit here at the computer and sometimes just throw my emotions on the screen, and sometimes wonder if any of it makes sense...or if I'm driving you guys crazy with my "happy/sad peaceful/freaked out" see-saw of words and posts. When people tell me "oh I read your blog" I almost feel like I should apologize because sometimes all I see on the screen is a hot mess of emotions. And I feel like I should have a significant update about our adoption process every time I write. I feel like I might be boring with all my "up and downs". But, those emotions are real to me and what I'm going through, and the willingness of you guys to stick with me just makes my heart feel so...cozy (for lack of a word that fully describes it!). 

I've been reading a book about the Amish community (haha, don't judge) and while I could not see myself as ever being able to be Amish (it would make blogging and Instragramming a little difficult), I love the way that they surround those in their community and help when needed. It reminds me of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child". You guys have been my village...you have been my community in this. Please don't stop.

So there is our latest update. It's so exciting, guys...so exciting and so wonderful. To God be the glory.

Our next step

After I wrote my last entry, I just sat back in amazement that we were actually FINALLY done with the home study part! From start to finish, it was about 7 months. We knew that the adoption process was a waiting game, but we didn't think that the home study process would be part of that game!

So what's next? Our home study case worker told us that she will have everything written up and submitted by the end of this month. (She had to wait until the final home study to begin to type everything up and it's at least 18 pages). After she submits it all, her boss will look over it, and then licensing will check it out and  then it will get notarized. Our case worker says that this process might take a month or two, since the people who do this part don't work everyday. So we'll just wait. :-) 

However, our waiting doesn't have to be idle...we can start working on our "dossier". So we'll start those papers and then hopefully by the end of fall/early part of winter, all the paperwork/letters/forms we have to request and gather will be ready to submit. THEN, we're on the waiting list to be placed with our sweet child. (I get so giddy when I think of that part!!)

Our next payment is due when we submit our dossier, and we are about halfway there right now. The Lord continues to amaze me at how he provides. We had someone give to us through this blog, who we have never even met. (If you're reading this, thank you!!) We plan on applying for some grants and there is also a way to make donations tax deductible after our home studies are formally finished, and we've had some precious friends mention holding different fund raisers with proceeds going towards bringing our amazing babe home. I'll make sure to post them here!

We're taking the next step friends...we're actually, finally, doing it! And I really feel that you are all taking this step with us. I have felt so much support and love from you guys, I can't even begin to express my thankfulness. You guys are excited and waiting along with us and that support is such a gift. We're on to the next part of our journey! Thanks for walking with us!!

"A deep breath, and baby steps - that's how the whole thing starts. It's a long, slow, beautiful dance...to the beat of a heart" 

 (Rascal Flatts)