Another year.

Okay so I haven't been the best (or good at all, haha) at continuing to update in here. Let's fix that now. 

I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay. 

I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel". 

"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel. 

This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year. 

So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.

Orange fabric pews.

I had a hard time explaining this to Mike yesterday, but sometimes it's easier for me to write than it is to talk...my thoughts seem to flow better when the nuisence of speaking is not a barrier. Let's try this. 

We spent 24 hours in my hometown this weekend. We go home fairly often, so that wasn't unusal, but Sunday morning we went to services in the church that I grew up in (something we haven't done in 6 years, and even before that it was probably only a handful of times since we got married...which happened there!). When I say that I grew up there, I'm not lying...I literally spent a good portion of my childhood/teenage years there. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, youth group overnighters, my school was a part of it so weekdays from 8-3pm I was there, and my mom also worked there in the offices so time was spent after school was done before we went home. My mom actually went into labor with me while she was there. I got married there. I said "goodbye" to my Grandpa there. I realized that God had a reason for me to be alive while I was there. I made lifelong friends there and I made friends who were there for a minute, but left permenant impressions on my heart. This place is more than a walls, floors, funny sloped ceilings, and the memory of horrible orange fabric pews for me...it played a major role in shaping me to be who I am. Good memories, bad memories, laughter, fights, tears, and things that I will always keep in my heart. 

What I was trying to explain to Mike, and eventually did after stumbling over my words and trying to align my thoughts, is that the 2 hours we spent in that building yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember sitting on the "organ side" of the sanctuary in church one Sunday morning my first year of college and just asking God what He wanted. I was so annoyed at life. I felt that I should be doing things that I wasn't doing and that I had no way to start those things. I wanted this and that and what they had. I wanted it to hurry up and I felt like He wasn't tracking with me, haha. So I threw up some prayers and just let it go. 

As we sat in that same santuary yesterday, I realized that if God had just given me what I thought I wanted back then and put me on the track of life that I "knew" I wanted, I wouldn't have this life that I have now. And it got me thinking about this path we are on and how the journey is worth it. 

I can look back at that building and see how God used it to mold me to who I am as I write this to you. I can see how He used people there to teach me and walk by me when I was young, and how some of them are still teaching me and walking by me today. (SV and KW, you both have meant so much to me and I'm so thankful for you). And in this same way, I know that when our sweet baby is in our arms, I will look back on this time and feel the same. I will remember the laughter, the tears, and how they all played a part. 

I'm so thankful for those two hours yesterday - so thankful that the Lord gave me such a tangible way to feel His promise and the hope He calls me too. Thankful that He is in control and that He is here in this "waiting" time, just as He was then and how these days aren't to be wasted. He is good and I am thankful.