When there was just hope..

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish indefinitely more than we might ask or think." 

(Ephesians 3:30) 

Orange fabric pews.

I had a hard time explaining this to Mike yesterday, but sometimes it's easier for me to write than it is to talk...my thoughts seem to flow better when the nuisence of speaking is not a barrier. Let's try this. 

We spent 24 hours in my hometown this weekend. We go home fairly often, so that wasn't unusal, but Sunday morning we went to services in the church that I grew up in (something we haven't done in 6 years, and even before that it was probably only a handful of times since we got married...which happened there!). When I say that I grew up there, I'm not lying...I literally spent a good portion of my childhood/teenage years there. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, youth group overnighters, my school was a part of it so weekdays from 8-3pm I was there, and my mom also worked there in the offices so time was spent after school was done before we went home. My mom actually went into labor with me while she was there. I got married there. I said "goodbye" to my Grandpa there. I realized that God had a reason for me to be alive while I was there. I made lifelong friends there and I made friends who were there for a minute, but left permenant impressions on my heart. This place is more than a walls, floors, funny sloped ceilings, and the memory of horrible orange fabric pews for me...it played a major role in shaping me to be who I am. Good memories, bad memories, laughter, fights, tears, and things that I will always keep in my heart. 

What I was trying to explain to Mike, and eventually did after stumbling over my words and trying to align my thoughts, is that the 2 hours we spent in that building yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember sitting on the "organ side" of the sanctuary in church one Sunday morning my first year of college and just asking God what He wanted. I was so annoyed at life. I felt that I should be doing things that I wasn't doing and that I had no way to start those things. I wanted this and that and what they had. I wanted it to hurry up and I felt like He wasn't tracking with me, haha. So I threw up some prayers and just let it go. 

As we sat in that same santuary yesterday, I realized that if God had just given me what I thought I wanted back then and put me on the track of life that I "knew" I wanted, I wouldn't have this life that I have now. And it got me thinking about this path we are on and how the journey is worth it. 

I can look back at that building and see how God used it to mold me to who I am as I write this to you. I can see how He used people there to teach me and walk by me when I was young, and how some of them are still teaching me and walking by me today. (SV and KW, you both have meant so much to me and I'm so thankful for you). And in this same way, I know that when our sweet baby is in our arms, I will look back on this time and feel the same. I will remember the laughter, the tears, and how they all played a part. 

I'm so thankful for those two hours yesterday - so thankful that the Lord gave me such a tangible way to feel His promise and the hope He calls me too. Thankful that He is in control and that He is here in this "waiting" time, just as He was then and how these days aren't to be wasted. He is good and I am thankful. 

What is true.

I think if I ever write a book about our adoption journey, I'm going to have to do a spin off of "Mr Toads Wild Ride" as a title because that's what life feels like to me sometimes. 

I didn't write to you at all in February, but since it was a short month, let's say that was the reason and not the actual truth which is: I'm kinda riding the struggle bus lately. And I am well aware that I am buying my own ticket and putting myself on the bus, but I've definitely been a passenger this last month. 

Here's another truth for you: on my voyages riding the bus, I have realized that God is faithful. All. The. Time. Even when I would actually prefer Him not to be. He is there in the morning, He is there when I'm going throughout my day, and He is there awhile I sleep. Which means, He knows what's going on and He is in control. He is faithful when I would rather prefer to believe that He has forgotten about me. I would rather believe that He wants me to take the reigns and take the path that I think would be easiest. I find myself annoyed sometimes at His plan and I feel frustrated that I know what is true and what is right. 

While I'm at it, let's just keep going with this "truth" thing...I believe that God is in control of this journey and what I have been struggling with lately is the nagging voice in my head and in my heart that is saying "you're never going to get what you dreamed of" because that voice is trying to get me to take my eyes off of Him and focus on "what I won't have". It is trying to move my center. 

I'm not trying to be vague here or dramatic. This is just what I'm going through right now and I don't want to ignore it. We are still on our journey and we still believe that this is where we should be. We have had chances lately to change our path, but we just don't have peace about it. It's kinda frustrating, to be honest. But, I have to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him. Yes, we know other ways might be faster. Yes, we know there are children all over the world and right here that need families. Yes, we wish it would go faster. Yes, this is hard. But He hasn't forgotten us...He knows my name. He knows my heart, He is the one who's keeps it beating. He knows what I dream of and what my heart aches for, He gave me the ability to dream and to love. He knows. He actually sits next to me on the bus and asks me if He can help me get down the step to the sidewalk again. He is faithful. All. The. Time. And I want to be faithful to Him and what He is calling me too. I want His fingerprints to be evident on all things. 

So, here's to Monday and to our journey and to returning this ticket to struggle bus. I want to walk.