I think I have "FOMOABLB"

Maybe it's because of the the youth group/church era that I grew up in, or maybe it's just because of me, but I seriously hate acronyms. Like, why do we need a title with 12 letters that each stand for a different word? Can't we just come up with a smaller word? Churches and youth groups were/are so notorious for making sure those letters are an actual word "SALT" or "REVIVE". There is a line in the movie "That Thing You Do" when they are trying to come up with the name for their new band and someone suggests "Why can't we just be 'The band you're about to hear'?". I agree. Simple and to the point. No making people guess about what it means or what they are signing up for, and no awkward time of trying to pronounce the actual acronym in the private of your car so you don't sound like a fool when you try and have a conversation about it.

Believe it or not, I didn't write this post only about acronyms, but they unfortunately play a role in it. I have heard people talking about FOMO a lot lately - "Fear of missing out". I think I have "FOMOABLB: fear of missing out and being left behind"

I don't care what you say, no one likes to be left behind. No one likes to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone else participate in something they are waiting to do. "Put me in, Coach". I hate it when people whisper (just ask my parents). People whispering can wake me up out of a dead sleep and I can hear the sound of a whisper anywhere. I don't like not know what's going on.

Here's where this comes into play for our adoption journey. Even though we are making progress (I have my medical forms and was able to make an appointment for Mike with a new, more cooperative, doctor in the beginning of June), I still have to fight the sense that I am "missing out" on what other people are doing right now and that I am falling behind what everyone else is doing.

I felt like all of social media was a jerk this morning (not the people, but the media apps, because I'm so rational with things like that) because I think it only picked out stories to show me about couples (most of who never ever post anything on social media) adding to their families...positive pregnancy test, or adding the second, third, sixth, eleventh, thirteenth child. (See? So rational. I don't know anyone in real life with eleven kids, but it feels like that). People seemed to come out of nowhere this morning to share their joy with the world. Guys, I want to be that person. I want to show a family picture of the three of us. I want to schedule play dates with friends, or show pictures of the new little beach chair we got for the summer. I don't want to miss out...and I feel like I am. And I know some will be tempted to say "Oh, you just wait..." and inform me of some way that children complicate life...but, I want that new way of life.

Now before you all think I'm being a whiny, selfish, and jealous baby who can't share in anyone's joy and who is so naive as to what life with children will be like, let me say this: It's not the fault of anyone but me. I truly have happiness in my heart for my friends who are expanding their families. Do I wish that was me? Yep. Am I truly happy to my soul for you, absolutely. Do I have "pie in the sky dreams" about being a family of three? Probably. But, no one is trying to hurt me, and it's not fair to think that someone shouldn't share their happiness because it might make someone sad. No one got pregnant with another child because it would make me feel left out. It's not other people who are upsetting me, it's not even Facebook, or Instagram, or whatever (although I had to think for awhile on that). It's this FOMOABLB.

It would be pretty easy for me to title (even with this obnoxious acronym) what it is that is bothering me today and just use it as an excuse to stay in this hurt. To stay in this place of hurt and alone, and to let it make me a "victim". But, I'm not going to. I'm not going to let the dark and evil forces cloud the truth and beautiful actualities of life and the lives of the ones I love. 

Because here's the truth: I know, without a doubt, we are where we should be. I know, without a doubt, that He loves me. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord knows who our child is. I'm so thankful for what I have...for the love that people have and are showing us. I know, without a doubt, that it would be easy for me to start complaining - because sometimes complaining is easier than the worship. But, the complaining doesn't give life. It doesn't show the joy that I have been given and that I have been instructed to share and show. Complaining and feeling sorry for myself makes me miss out on so much...and I don't want to miss out...and I don't want to be left behind.

So today, I am not going to let myself be a victim to this awful acronym and what it stands for. I'm not going to let the dark win and build up resentment and jealously. I'm going to speak against it and plead for the Lord to give me His joy. I'm going to celebrate with people! I'm going to count my blessings and realize that I have more than I deserve in life...and that His grace and mercy is so overwhelming in abundance. There is always something "more" that people can look for, but when you look for the "more", you miss the "now". And I don't want to miss that. I want to be in the "now" and look to the future with hope. Because that's where life is...that's where joy is...that's where I want to be. I can't miss anything there.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

(Romans 15:13)

Having a change of heart

First off, as I wrote on Facebook yesterday, I had my doctors appointment for all of our adoption forms. Before I got out of the car, I just asked the Lord to bless my doctor and to be evident in this appointment. Oh my goodness, was He ever evident! My new doctor has adopted two children internationally and totally shares my heart and my passions for adoption. She told me that she would personally make sure all the paperwork is filled out fast and sent in. I almost cried like 3 times because I was so thankful for her (and I, of course, told her that...and she wasn't even freaked out by that!) Such an amazing gift. I'm so thankful.

So, as I have admitted in the beginning of our adoption journey, I haven't always had a heart for international adoption. I told people that I would rather adopt 10 US children for the same amount of money that it would take to adopt 1 child internationally. This is a little hard on my heart to admit or to remember because of this HUGE love that I now have for my sweet child in Ethiopia. I was full of pride and ignorance and my words were not words that came from the Lord...because I do not believe that is what He believes.

As we have walked along this journey, we have encountered many different opinions on adoption...people who have never thought about it, people who are overjoyed for us and our journey, people who think it's a last resort to start a family, people who don't agree with the international part, and people who only agree with international adoption (rather than domestic). All sorts of people. People are entitled to their opinions (as much as I agree or disagree with what they are saying..."shred your tongue, Natalie"),  and I have to remind myself that I didn't always think the way I do now. But, I have been noticing lately that there seem to be "sides" chosen when it comes to adoption sometimes.

What's been on my heart today blows all those "side" away, at least in my mind. Let me share the scripture that has been swirling through my thoughts: 

"Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. (Luke 15: 1-7)

I believe that YOU matter to the Lord. He would go after you...He rejoices in you.  I believe I matter to the Lord, He would and has gone after me. I BELIEVE EVERY CHILD MATTERS TO THE LORD.  Sing with me: "red and yellow, black or white...they are precious in His sight...Jesus loves the little children of the world". Each child...every race and every age...no matter what.

I didn't always think this way...I saw it as a "me vs. them" thing - "Domestic vs. International". But it's not...at all. In my way of thinking, and trust me this is not a fun thing to see on the screen in front of me, I was saying that the kids here are more valuable than the kids there by my attitude on the "better" place to adopt from. (ouch). It breaks my heart to realize that, but I am so thankful that I am not there anymore. This is a huge example of God's grace and mercy in my life. Each child is made in the image of our Lord from the moment they are conceived. Each child is loved by Him and each child deserves a chance for life. 

It's not a competition...we're on the same team - "Team Child". It's not "us vs. them", there is not one way to adopt that is better than the other. There is not one country that deserves their children to be adopted over another. There should be no child's life that is sacrificed for "a bigger picture down the road". Each little heart, and each little face, is already loved by their Creator...and it is a blessing and a miracle to be able to also love that little person. 

 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

 (1 John 4:9-11)

I always tell people that my dream is that one day, our house resembles the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney. (Complete with a boat and stream that runs through our home...we'll all sing at you) ;-) Let's stop giving adoption "teams"...let's be on the same team and fight together for the same cause...children. I love being on this journey and I love that we're not on it alone. Thanks for walking it along with us, friends.