Writing is how I process my thoughts.

More years ago than I care to admit, a friend introduced me to Rich Mullins songs. He played a song called "Hold Me Jesus" and I was so taken by the honesty and vulnerability of the words. I think I had the song memorized by the end of that week of camp. 

I haven't been sleeping very soundly since we learned the news of Ethiopia. Last night was no exception. I woke up at 2am and felt like my body was burning from the inside out. I flipped and flopped (sorry Mike) and fell back asleep for short intervals until the alarm went off this morning. Needless to say, I was a little crabby this morning.

There is a line in "Hold Me Jesus" that says this: "and I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.". As I was getting ready for my day, I realized that I knew what Rich Mullins meant by that. And I felt myself start to go down a path that is so dangerous. I started to feel like we are victims in this journey. I started to get annoyed at things that I shouldn't. I started to feel like people should feel bad for us and pity the situation. And I realized that those feelings are lies. I am not a victim. 

I'm not saying that this situation doesn't suck. My heart is broken for us, for the other families who are also making tough decisions, and mostly for the children who might never get their families. This totally sucks. And it's okay for us to be sad, and to be angry, and to grieve. But I am not a victim.

We choose to follow what we felt the Lord calling us to. We choose to be faithful and to say "we trust in Your plan". We are not victims because of the journey we are on had taken a different turn than we had hoped. We are not unfortunate because we choose to live our lives for Christ.

 I refuse to let myself be tricked by darkness and fall into the category of "poor me". I chose to follow Him, and I chose to believe (because my heart knows the truth) that His plan for us is bigger and more amazing than I can even fathom. I refuse to let the blisters on my heart control my thinking. "Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf - You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace." 

I don't want pity or to be coddled - I want, no, I NEED prayers. I need encouragement and I need reminders that He is eternally good. I want my heart to cling to Him, because in Him there is hope and joy and peace. In Him, there is life. 

Well, sometimes my life 

Just don't make sense at all 

When the mountains look so big 

And my faith just seems so small 

CHORUS: 

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace 

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 

It's so hot inside my soul 

I swear there must be blisters on my heart 

CHORUS 

Surrender don't come natural to me 

I'd rather fight You for something 

I don't really want 

Than to take what You give that I need 

And I've beat my head against so many walls 

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees 

And this Salvation Army band 

Is playing this hymn 

And Your grace rings out so deep 

It makes my resistance seem so thin 

CHORUS 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace

dark night of the soul- please continue to pray

Hey All, this is Mike. I know I don't post here very often. In light of what has happened I feel led to share what I have been feeling.

I am a fan of good stories. A type of story that really has interested me of late is the Superhero stories. I have been reading a lot of Batman and just saw the last two Avenger movies. What these stories have and what makes them interesting and thrilling is there is a time when all hope seems to be lost. This is sometimes called the "Dark Night of the Soul." When this scene occurs in a movie we are all on the edge of our seats and biting our nails. Without this scene, the story would be boring, there would be no tension.

The news that Ethiopia is basically closing adoption and that our hopes and dreams of adopting a child from Ethiopia is a "Dark Night of the Soul" scene for me. It really has been a downer time for me. Right now it seems like the chance of Natalie and I adopting a child is hopeless. Like a distant dream that will never come true.

The past few days I have been angry with God. I have asked so many questions and have seemed to get so few answers. My temptation is to power through. My temptation is to not name the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal. However, I know I need to name those feelings and grieve. My temptation is to rush out of the "Dark Night of the Soul." I know if I rush out of that place I will miss out on the beauty on the other side.

Today, has been a better day. Not in that I see hope, but that I woke up ready to go, ready to face the day and accomplish what God had for me. Not because I am better, but because I need to continue to fight. Because I want to continue the good fight. There is a child out there for Natalie and I. It is just hard, if not impossible for me to see how that will happen.

As I type this a passage that has meant so much to my family comes to mind. It is Psalm 23. There is one verse that sticks out to me right now. 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Psalm 23:4 NLT)

Even though I am experiencing a "Dark Night of the Soul" I will not be afraid. For God is by my side and he comforts me. Right now I can't see to the other side of this scene. But my hope is, that like all great Superhero movies, that this story ends up with good defeating evil. That Natalie and I will get to share with you in the celebration of a child. Making us a family of three.

Please continue to pray for us as we deal with this pain and as we seek God's will for us. #June1st

Please read this entry - we need prayer.

I haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet. I got home and wanted to write to you all while I was feeling "up" about all this.

We got the news this weekend from our adoption agency that while Ethiopia is not closing it's doors officially to international adoption, they do not believe the country intends to continue adoption of children from their country. There are 11 families who have already been placed with a child and it is their hope to be able to bring those children home, but after that they will be exiting the country. So, we need to start again. Again.

I wasn't totally shocked by this news. As we have already seen with Russia, this happens. But, just because I wasn't shocked, doesn't mean it didn't break my heart. It totally broke my heart and my heart is still broke.

After we got the email, and let it process a little - the tears and emotion came: angry, sad, confused, lonely. As we laid on our bed, Mike prayed and I cried...the ugly type of bawling...snotty nose-puffy eyes-hiccups type of cry. After Mike prayed, he said to me "I just keep hearing the word 'faithful' in my mind." In between my hiccups and sobs, I felt the Lord tell me that He loved me. And I told Him that I didn't want to hear it. (Side note: I'm very thankful for a God who can handle my emotions!!). I decided to go to bed angry at Him that night.

Well, as it turns out - God will not be ignored. He woke me up bright and early to talk. I got out of bed, got my coffee, and sat down in the living room. I opened up my daily devotional by (my future BFF) Shauna Niequist and turned to the date. It was about how when she felt furthest from God, she ended up just holding her Bible and waiting for Him to do something. So, I did that for awhile. And I felt Him tell me to turn to Psalms and read. I got to Psalm 4 and the tears started all over again. Here's what it says: (I've put in bold the parts that He used to speak to my heart)

Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

 How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false god?  

Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.

Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

 Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.

Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

 So I asked Him to fill my heart with joy: something I didn't think was possible, nor did I really know if I actually wanted. I kept repeating: "Lord hear my prayer", even though I couldn't really put into words what I was feeling. And there, in our living room, He gave me joy. It's not a joy that says " I'm fine now, let's dance!", but it's a joy that says "He's not done yet". It's a joy that tells me that we're not forgotten and that those children in Ethiopia are not forgotten. It is a promise that He is eternally good.

Our agency gave us some options, and asked that we let them know by June 1 what we feel is best for our family. So here is where we need your prayers because that's not far away. We need prayers for wisdom and for peace and for joy and for guidance. 

The past 4 four months or so, the Lord has put Ephesians 1:16-21 on my heart to pray for others, and that is what I'm asking that you pray for us. Here it is: 

  I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 

 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.   

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  

 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. 

That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 

 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

 

So there's where we are. Please, friends, pray for us and for the other families who are all making this same choice. We love you.