Writing is how I process my thoughts.

More years ago than I care to admit, a friend introduced me to Rich Mullins songs. He played a song called "Hold Me Jesus" and I was so taken by the honesty and vulnerability of the words. I think I had the song memorized by the end of that week of camp. 

I haven't been sleeping very soundly since we learned the news of Ethiopia. Last night was no exception. I woke up at 2am and felt like my body was burning from the inside out. I flipped and flopped (sorry Mike) and fell back asleep for short intervals until the alarm went off this morning. Needless to say, I was a little crabby this morning.

There is a line in "Hold Me Jesus" that says this: "and I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.". As I was getting ready for my day, I realized that I knew what Rich Mullins meant by that. And I felt myself start to go down a path that is so dangerous. I started to feel like we are victims in this journey. I started to get annoyed at things that I shouldn't. I started to feel like people should feel bad for us and pity the situation. And I realized that those feelings are lies. I am not a victim. 

I'm not saying that this situation doesn't suck. My heart is broken for us, for the other families who are also making tough decisions, and mostly for the children who might never get their families. This totally sucks. And it's okay for us to be sad, and to be angry, and to grieve. But I am not a victim.

We choose to follow what we felt the Lord calling us to. We choose to be faithful and to say "we trust in Your plan". We are not victims because of the journey we are on had taken a different turn than we had hoped. We are not unfortunate because we choose to live our lives for Christ.

 I refuse to let myself be tricked by darkness and fall into the category of "poor me". I chose to follow Him, and I chose to believe (because my heart knows the truth) that His plan for us is bigger and more amazing than I can even fathom. I refuse to let the blisters on my heart control my thinking. "Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf - You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace." 

I don't want pity or to be coddled - I want, no, I NEED prayers. I need encouragement and I need reminders that He is eternally good. I want my heart to cling to Him, because in Him there is hope and joy and peace. In Him, there is life. 

Well, sometimes my life 

Just don't make sense at all 

When the mountains look so big 

And my faith just seems so small 

CHORUS: 

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace 

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 

It's so hot inside my soul 

I swear there must be blisters on my heart 

CHORUS 

Surrender don't come natural to me 

I'd rather fight You for something 

I don't really want 

Than to take what You give that I need 

And I've beat my head against so many walls 

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees 

And this Salvation Army band 

Is playing this hymn 

And Your grace rings out so deep 

It makes my resistance seem so thin 

CHORUS 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace