not alone.

One of the most amazing things I have experienced along this journey is the love and support of those around Natalie and I.

At moments when I have felt most alone, God has sent someone to remind us we are not alone. God has used His people to be His hands and feet to us.

It is great to have people tell us they have seen our blog and ask us more about our journey. When they ask we love to tell them, we love having others share in this journey.  This is not our journey, it is God's  journey he has entrusted to us and we want to share it with whoever we can. In the end we want people to see God through our adoption.

The other thing I love is when our child comes home he/she will have a community here that loves and cares for them. They will have people who have been praying for them for such a long time.

As I am writing this I am sensing I am writing this for me, as a reminder when I feel alone. Most of all I am writing to say thank you for encouraging us in our journey so far.

Desperate.

It's dark and rainy outside, I have another 2 hours of free time, and I have about 20 different things that I "should be" doing...however, I feel the need to write, so that's what I'm doing to do. Two posts in one week - whoohoo!

I find that after I share my heart with people about this adoption, I am almost always overcome with the reality of my unworthiness...my severe lacking in trust, in faith, in grace, and every other thing that the Lord is, and I am very obviously not. Sometimes I feel like a fraud in this because I tell people what the Lord has been and still is doing, how He is providing, and what our hopes are. I get amazed at our story, because it truly is AMAZING. Then, I sit here after and realize that even after telling people of the great things that He is doing - I still doubt. I still try and run the show. I still question and I get frustrated. I want to shake people sometimes and make them see and then other times, I want to throw my arms up in the air and quit. I forget and loose sight of the goal and loose my grip on Him. I'm a jerk. It's like the verse that talks about looking in the mirror than walking away, totally forgetting what I look like. I am an Israelite, who has been freed from slavery, walking through the desert to the promised land and having my daily needs met without fail, but choosing to be blind to all the blessings and miracles. Seriously?

I am reminded of my unworthiness to be even a fleeting thought in the mind our Lord. I deserve nothing good...I am a brat that, in reality, should be put in the corner by myself for an eternal time out. But, for reasons none other that because He loves me, He extends Grace and Mercy to me. Daily. Hourly. By the minute and every second that I am here. I'm glad that I'm not God because I for sure wouldn't do the same. I shouldn't waste my time on me. (Be thankful for that people, I would be the worst God EVER). Sometimes, I feel like He shouldn't waste His time on me either - epsecially with how often I have to come to Him with my dark, cold heart.

I don't want to be a hypocrite...I don't want to write and speak about His Goodness and Faithfulness and then have these struggles. It's irritating and I wish so much that I could just learn and that would be it. That, however, doesn't seem to be the case. But, I guess these struggles are how He continues to mold me...He cleanses my lips with hot coals. He breaks down my pride and my selfishness and my lack of trust and He replaces it with Him. Discipline and learning are not painless. I hear though, that He disciplines the ones He loves....

 "...and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES." It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:5-7)

So that's the truth about me. I know that in spite of me and my "all over the grid thoughts and attitudes", God will make His name great in our story. He is not done with me and I am thankful for that. He gives HOPE and extends forgiveness, no matter how many times I come to Him with the same struggle. And I do struggle...and I will continue to struggle. But, He continues to pursue me with His love. A love that calls to my soul and that calls me to strive to be more like Him. And I really do desire that...but, I know that sometimes my thoughts, words, and actions don't show it. He won't give up...He is always working His plan...even when I choose to try and hide myself in the dark places. He has been, is, and will be there. I am desperate for Him.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; 
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

The Family of God...

Throughout my teenaged years, and some of my 20s, I spent my summers out in Colorado at Twin Peaks Bible Camp- first as a camper, then as a counselor. It was there, my very first summer out there, as I sat on the mini golf course by myself one night, that I felt God calling me to do something bigger than I could imagine. I didn't know what He was calling me to, I just knew that His plans were greater than mine could ever be.

Every morning at camp, we would all gather around the flag pole and raise the flag, say the pledge, and pray. We would also sing "I'm so glad, I'm a part of the family of God. I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His blood. Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod - for I'm part of the family...the family of God." (Before I get to my main point, I would like to point out that until I was about 19, I thought the words were "join ears with Jesus as we travel this song...") It makes much more sense with the correct words...

On to my point. The family of God. Since deciding to do the garage sale, I have seen so many people help out and love as a family would do. Some actually are family, some friends, and some are people that I don't know...but all are showing me Jesus. The family of God has loved, supported, and prayed with and for us.

The family of God has also meant something a little different to me this past year. Mike and I pray that our baby's parents and caregivers all know Jesus...and that one day, maybe not here in this life, we will all be reunited together with Jesus. A big 'ole family reunion. The family of God. So many who loved Jesus and because of that love, gave life to our child. Our baby (as an orphan) has a bigger family than they might ever know.

A family should work together for the good of everyone in the family because they genuinely love and care for each other. Part of the reason that I love this journal is because I want to be reminded of things like this as I go through life. I am so blessed to have you all be a part of our family.

A little Sunday afternoon update...

I have been thinking about this blog for the past week or so and saying "I need to write in there". I like the idea of being able to look back on these words years from now and see how the Lord provided and moved. I can already do that from what I have written since our journey started.  Writing has also become a way for me to clear my head. It is something that soothes my soul and helps me organize my feelings...sometimes, I find myself writing whole entries in my head if I don't have time to sit down at the computer and update. This journal has become a way of worship and extremely therapeutic for me!

The Lord has guided and provided for us since my last entry. Along with another couple from our church, who are in the process of adopting a little girl from China, we have decided to hold a big 'ole garage sale in the parking lot of our church.(September 6th and 7th for all you local people who want to buy our stuff!) ;-)  Different people from the church have said they will donate things they have made or they have, and all the proceeds go to of the families adoptions and to the adoption fund that is being started at the church. Our hope is that this can become an annual event, building the adoption fund and helping to bring more children home. Mike and I had some things for the garage sale, but not much...with every move, I like to go through our things and donate what we haven't used. (I hate clutter) However, my parents brought over things to donate to the garage sale and other friends have been so generous, saying that they have things to donate as well! While this garage sale probably won't bring in the entire amount that we need (that would take people wanting to pay like $100 for a used book, haha!), this will help and every little bit helps. 

We also want to eventually start a tax-deductible fund through an organization that supports adoptive families...giving families a way to help out in their local community, while raising awareness and money from helping other people in their community. We need to be to a certain point in our adoption process to sign up with organizations like that however, so for now we have set up a PayPal account and linked it to this blog. I don't want you, as friends, to feel like we expect anyone to donate money to this or that these writings are a way to just advertise. I cherish my relationships with you all and there are no words to express how grateful I am for the support we have received from people who read and follow our story. We feel your prayers and the kindness and love we have been shown is extraordinary. Please don't ever stop. The further we go into is process, the more we will need! As I wrote before, this is journey of ups and downs...and we know it will continue in that roller coaster way. If you feel like you would like to donate money, we thank you. No matter what the support is that you show our little family, you a playing a huge role. <3