Jesus loves you, so I don't have to.

Since starting the process of adoption, my view of life has changed a lot. The main view has been my view of what it means to love other people. 

1 Corinthians 13 says this: 

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Truth be told: I am not an expert at loving perfectly. I am not always good at it and sometimes I choose to not do it. There are people in life that I SERIOUSLY struggle to love...like women who are mean to other women so that they momentarily feel better about themselves (which never actually works because they are only then more paranoid that other people are talking about them, like they are about other people), or Christians who say or encourage the attitude of "You aren't entitled to what I have earned" (because who exactly do you think you are? No one deserves good things in life, no one has earned them. We actually deserve death. Jesus is actually the only One who can say that. But He doesn't, so why do you think you can say that?) I struggle so much. I struggle with the fight that is this: "Jesus loves you, so I don't have to" because some people are NOT fun to love. But you know what? I am in the same boat as the people who I struggle with..it's like we're actually rowing right next to each other. Because just as I talk about struggling to love others, I'm sure someone is feeling the same way about me. Talk about humbling.

 I read chapter 13 as this for my life: "If I have great blog posts and write solid and truthful-sounding paragraphs, but I don't love, I am merely an author of empty words. If I journey down this path of being shown who Jesus is, but I do not show Jesus to others, I am walking in hypocrisy. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, it does not brag, it does not put down others, it is not selfish, it does not get angry easy, it doesn't hold a grudge, it doesn't smile when bad things happen to other people, love is so happy in truth, it protects, it trusts, it hopes, it keeps going. It. Never. Fails."

As I think about the life our child will live, I realize that they will not always be shown love by other people. I realize that even church-going people will look at them and decide to have a certain attitude about them. I realize that kids are going mean, and that grown adults are going make the daily choice to stay ignorant and hateful. I realize that some people are always going to be unfair, and that some people are going to take out insecurities on other people. I realize they will face some of the same kinds of attitudes that I faced, and that they are going to face attitudes that I have never (and will never) experience. But I also realize that while we cannot choose what happens to us, we can choose our reactions, and we can choose where we go from there.

While we are in this time of waiting, I want to use it, not wish it away. I want to use it to practice loving. Because when our child comes home, I want to be able to walk along side of them as we learn what it means to love like Jesus does. I want to look at my fellow oars-men and say "Jesus loves me, so I love you". I want to be genuine with my love and not pride myself on how well I love people who are fun to love, but I want to be thankful for the chances to love people who I struggle with...because He loves me, and I'm pretty unlovable myself.

1 John 4:19 

"We love because He first loved us."

Good morning!

Good morning, friends. I unexpectedly have the day off work today, so I thought a good way to start my day is coffee, candles, and writing to you. Mike went to work early and I think we're going to spend our afternoon at the cider mill. Michigan really rocks at fall and we like to take it all in. Here's the scoop...

Adoption process front: we're creeping right along. Because of the status of Ethiopian adoptions right now (that status being real slow and not a lot of developments in when (if) it will speed back up), the wait time is longer than it has been in the past few years. As I sit here right now, typing and drinking coffee, my heart feels calm and patient. However, let's be real about it, that comes and goes! I always get a little tug on my soul when I hear of someone welcoming a new child into their family, but I think that's normal. I just try and keep myself in check and not let those feelings of sadness and jealously burrow into my heart and claim a spot. Being sad and anxious and jealous isn't going to make Ethiopia go any faster and it's not going to be make me a better wife or mommy. 

So, as I was driving home from running errands yesterday, I felt the Lord ask me to do something. It wasn't anything huge, it didn't require a lot of effort on my part...just a willingness to listen and obey, but I didn't want to do it. So I told Him that and kept driving. Guys, you know that little nagging spot in your heart that won't go away when you're blatantly ignoring something you should do? Yeah, I totally had that. It seriously would not go away. I tried to reason with Him, tried to ignore it, tried to change the subject...but it didn't make any difference, that feeling was still there. So, I just did what I felt Him asking...it took like 2 minutes. But it was so worth it. That nagging feeling was replaced with so much joy. And I had to stop and beg forgiveness because of my initial attitude towards what I was being asked to do. And I felt so thankful that I had listened because that joy was amazing.

Here's how I'm tying that in... A few months ago, I had someone ask me if I wish we had chosen another way to expand our family (domestic adoption or pregnancy, I would assume). I do not. I wish the process wasn't as long, but that's the only change I would want in this. Because I think if we had just pushed through and forced something else to happen, I would feel something was missing. I'm not saying that I would be miserable or that that child wouldn't be incredible, but I'm saying that I'm joyful in this process. Because this process is what the Lord asked of us...and He loves us. The joy I feel when I see tangible ways that He's continually providing for us with adoption funds is amazing. The joy I feel when I realize the timing in this for our marriage is exactly how it should be is so humbling. The quiet and settled joy I feel when I ask the Lord if this is where He wants us...I wouldn't want it any other way. 

So often, I feel like Christians don't feel like they should be feeling joy. That joy means they aren't doing something right - that we should constantly feel a very strange combination of both guilt and anger and that those things come from doing what He asks of us. But, I don't think that's right...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that following Jesus brings joy. And it's where I want to be. And it's where I want you to be. That's the truth I want to be able to share with our child as they are growing up. That's what I want them to see about what it really means to follow Jesus. When they look back on their life and how the Lord brought them to our living room, I want them to see the joy that was involved...even in the midst of tears and impatience. I want them to see that it's worth it. So that's where I'm choosing to live. 

Before I go, I want you to know how much it means to me when you ask me how our process is going. I want you to know how much it means to me when you tell me "I read your blog!" and that you're walking alongside of us. Both Mike and I are thankful for you...and we don't want you to ever forget it! Thank you, friends. We love you.