My sad, and slightly grumpy, toddler-style day

 One of the things I love most about toddlers, is that they don't hold back their emotions. If they feel it, they show it. Whether it's happy, sad, angry, bored, sleepy, hungry, or silly. (If you don't believe me, try getting a toddler who hates texture to touch play-dough or sand.) It's refreshing actually and in my 10+ years of teaching a classroom full of all of those 2 year old raw emotions, I learned to really appreciate it. I liked knowing how they felt because it let me learn what their little personality needed. It showed me who they were and what they liked and didn't like. It helped me learn how to best help them. It created a fun little friendship because I could understand who they were. I really miss that about teaching. 

Yesterday was a struggle for me. Nothing happened to make it a struggle, no "bad news", nothing marked the day that would make me sad...it was just a normal day, but I was struggling. I missed our child. I wanted to just be able to hold them, and to hear their little giggle, and see the things in life that they enjoy. I wanted to know what they would want to be for Halloween. I wanted to be living life with that precious and most wanted child. I wanted to not be waiting anymore. I know, I know...the adoption process is a waiting game, and I will be the first person to tell you that. Most of the time I don't struggle like this and for that, I am SO thankful. But yesterday, I was sad and slightly grumpy.

Yesterday, I wanted to cry and to stomp my feet and throw a 2 year old style temper tantrum. It's not fair. It's not easy. It's not my "ideal" to have to wait for so long. I don't want to. I want it to be done and I want it to be done now. When I told this to my aunt on the phone, she kinda laughed and said "Natalie, don't you think the Lord would smile at that and giggle? He understands, He created you with this passion". SO TRUE. It really reminded me that God can handle all my emotions. I can feel free to tell Him that I don't like this, because He understands. He isn't afraid of my hissy-fits and isn't going to "smite me" because I am grumpy at this situation. He loves me and He knows my heart...He knows that I'm sad and grumpy and frustrated and impatient. He knows I was struggling yesterday, in fact, He knew I was going to struggle before I even got up. I love the idea that He listened to my grumping with a smile on His face and understanding in His eyes. I like that He probably laughed when He said "Natalie, I understand...let me comfort you". 

Yesterday was a struggle and I didn't really love it and I definitely don't want it to become something that happens more than "once in awhile" because it's not fun. BUT, I'm thankful that even in my temper tantrum mood, I know that I serve a God who understands and who isn't annoyed by me. I know that on my next "struggle day", He will be there - He already is there! - and that He will choose to comfort me that day too. 

I also wanted to thank those of you who were not hesitant to offer kind words and prayers yesterday. I'm not a "attention seeking, dramatic Facebook post" kind of girl, that actually makes me kinda of crazy, so debated even mentioning it on there yesterday, but I do want to be honest about our journey and yesterday was hard. Thank you so much for your understanding and for your love. I'm so thankful for you.

Adoption update, prayer request, and my net worth.

Update time! Our case worker, and two other people from our adoption agency just spent about 10 days in Ethiopia - talking to government officials, snuggling babies, and getting some information on the state of international adoptions. They said the trip was informational - they confirmed that international adoptions were not being stopped (good news!) and they learned more about the country's desire to keep as many children in country as possible. (Which, we do understand). They hope that the rate of placements will increase, but still except slower referrals than this time last year. So, all of this we knew and were excepting. And unless we hear differently from the Lord, this is the path that we are going to continue to travel. :-)
Prayer Request time! We just finished and sent in our application to Lifesong. Lifesong does grants, loans, and helps fund-raise for adoptive families. They also set up tax deductible accounts for adoptive families so that when people donate, they can get tax deductions for their kindness. Our church has a Lifesong account already set up and once our application is sent to them, it should be all set - so please pray that it processes quickly and smoothly! Specifically, please pray that it's processed before the end of 2014. 

My net worth. So on all these forms and applications, we have to divulge all our financial information. They always ask for "net worth". It got me thinking about what I'm actually worth. If you write it down on paper, I'm not worth much at all...we don't own expensive things and choose to try to live a humble and simple life. But my "worth" is something that got me thinking...I'm realizing that I sometimes try and find my worth in places that I won't ever find it. I try and find my worth as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as friend, an employee, or whatever.  I even try to find it in being a future Mommy. I try and find full satisfaction in these areas and base my self worth at how well I preform in these areas of life. I find them becoming "who I am". 

Now, I don't think it's wrong to use those words to describe the roles I play in life, because I AM a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a future Mommy and I love that and am so grateful those relationships...but I'm also so more than that. If I expect these roles to give me self confidence and "complete" me, I'm going to be so disappointed. And really, I'm asking a lot of the people in those roles opposite of me...I cannot expect them to fully satisfy me and make me feel whole. If I'm waiting on these people and in these situations to feel satisfied and whole, I'm going to be real disappointed. That's a lot of unnecessary pressure to put on those other people.

 I have to remind myself that my worth doesn't come from anyone else. I'm not defined by how good of a wife I am. It truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. It doesn't matter if I'm doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I am not owned by those things. My worth comes from God. My worth comes from the fact that He calls me His own. It comes from being loved by Him and forgiven by Him. I can define myself as a wife (or daughter, sister, mommy, friend, employee) that loves Jesus. I want my life to show Him...not Mike, my parents, my sister, or whoever. Because, that's Who I'm living for - not anyone else. I find that realizing this, I can give myself more grace in my relationships. When my focus is on loving like Jesus does, I love other people better. I am also finding that I put less pressure on other people to make me feel the way I think they should. So, it's like a win-win situation.  

Happy Wednesday to you. Thanks for your love and support and your prayers. Mike and I cherish you all so much. <3

Joy - for Christmas and for always.

Okay, so confession: I'm totally watching a Hallmark Christmas movie on Netflix while typing this. I know there are the "no Christmas before Thanksgiving Scrooges" *ah hem, my husband* out there that are going to roll their eyes, but I don't even care. The commercialization of Christmas could start in July and I would love it - more Christmas time for me! I could live in the Christmas section of Hobby Lobby right now. 

So actually, this whole "Christmas spirit" thing actually ties into what has been on my heart lately: joy. I think that sometimes, I choose to let myself look at the negative aspects of what's going on around me. Letting myself focus on the dust that is showing on my window sill, instead of realizing that the dust shows because the sun is shining so brightly through the glass. I look out at our garden and think "ugh, so much to pull up now that it's getting colder" instead of realizing that our garden was amazing this year and all of that "stuff to pull up" means that we had so much fresh veggies this year that we were giving it away! I believe joy is something I can choose...and unfortunately, I don't think I always do a very good job at realizing that. 

Here's what has been on my heart with this lately. I think choosing joy is actually a form of worship. I had a youth pastor say once that "worship is letting God know how awesome He is and how much we need Him" (I can't remember who actually said that, so if you're one of my former youth pastors and that was you, thank you!). I believe that we can choose to focus on the "bummer" parts of life and let that rule our thoughts, attitudes, and hearts - OR we can make the choice to focus on the joy in life. The Bible says this: 

"Be joyful always;  

pray continually;  

give thanks in all circumstances, 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

 (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What really sticks out to me about that passage is the "this is God's will for you" part...He desires us to be joyful, and to be constant in prayer, and to be thankful. God doesn't want us to be miserable - He desires joy for our hearts. Why do we fight that? 

Granted sometimes, finding joy is really hard..almost impossible. And sometimes it seems wrong to look for joy in a situation, that our hearts are so broken that it seems joy will never be possible again. Sometimes to look for joy, can almost seem mean and calloused because of how painful a situation is. But, I don't think that the Lord is absent in those times. I believe He is still there, desiring joy for our hearts. King David says this: 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

 (Psalm 23) 

Life is happening and changing and moving and unpredictable...and I can't change what it throws at me. But I can choose to change my thoughts and my reactions. And I can choose to seek joy in all situations ("Be joyful always"). And I know that when joy is hard to find, my Father is not. He is always right there with me. ("Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances"). I believe joy is a form of worship. It shows who God is ("for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus") and it shows how much I need Him. So today, I choose joy. I choose joy because it's easy to find the bad and "bummer" parts of life - anyone can do that and I don't want to just be anyone. I want to show the joy that I see to other people. I want our child to see that this time of waiting was full of joy in the anticipation of becoming a family of three. I want to live differently. Because I believe that's His will for me. And for you. And I believe that He wants to show you the joy He has for you. 

 "In Your presence, there is fullness of joy" 

(Psalm 16:11)

Merry Christmas in October, friends. :-) I love you all. 

Why I love not catching fish when fishing.

Okay so this summer, Mike and I have taken up fishing. I used to fish with my dad and my grandpa when I was a little girl (alright let's be honest about it...they would bait the line, I would catch the fish, and then one of them would take if off the line. And if I wasn't catching anything, I was talking or walking around the boat, so neither of them could catch anything, haha.) Anyway, Mike and I bought poles this year and have taken up fishing. 
 
We decided to go out to the lake last night and try to catch "the big one". We saw them jumping and the water was perfect, but neither of us had more than a little nibble on our lines. As we were walking back to the truck, I was telling Mike how much I loved fishing, even if we didn't catch anything. In fact, I was glad we didn't catch anything (and not just because I'm still not sure how to fillet one properly). Let me try to explain the thoughts and feelings in my head about this...

Our lives are filled with things we need to "be on top of"...things we need to do, things we need to make sure happen, things we need to keep under control, and there is always something that has to be done. We live lives that demand our attention and we live in a world where we think we are the ones in control. But, that's not the case when it's just you and a fishing pole and a lake. As hard as I try, I cannot force a fish to bite. I cannot schedule a school of fish to swim by at a certain time and I am not the one who is responsible if we don't get a nibble.

Now, I know some may say "well you didn't use the right bait" or "you should have been at a different spot" or whatever, but the fact of the matter is...I don't have control over it. And it's actually so refreshing.

The simple (and sometimes frustrating) act of NOT catching anything is just the reminder I needed. I don't have as much control over things as I would like to think that I do. And it's so amazing to give myself permission to acknowledge that. To give myself permission to take in the lake, and the sunset, and the great company that I get to share it with. To not miss the moment I'm in because I'm trying to force something else to happen. To be thankful for where I am and for what I'm doing and to not miss the simple beauty that is always around.

I didn't catch anything last night...but as it turns out, it was more beneficial than I thought. And I'm glad for the gift of realizing how much I have on the end of my fishing pole...even when there's not a fish there. :-)