My sad, and slightly grumpy, toddler-style day

 One of the things I love most about toddlers, is that they don't hold back their emotions. If they feel it, they show it. Whether it's happy, sad, angry, bored, sleepy, hungry, or silly. (If you don't believe me, try getting a toddler who hates texture to touch play-dough or sand.) It's refreshing actually and in my 10+ years of teaching a classroom full of all of those 2 year old raw emotions, I learned to really appreciate it. I liked knowing how they felt because it let me learn what their little personality needed. It showed me who they were and what they liked and didn't like. It helped me learn how to best help them. It created a fun little friendship because I could understand who they were. I really miss that about teaching. 

Yesterday was a struggle for me. Nothing happened to make it a struggle, no "bad news", nothing marked the day that would make me sad...it was just a normal day, but I was struggling. I missed our child. I wanted to just be able to hold them, and to hear their little giggle, and see the things in life that they enjoy. I wanted to know what they would want to be for Halloween. I wanted to be living life with that precious and most wanted child. I wanted to not be waiting anymore. I know, I know...the adoption process is a waiting game, and I will be the first person to tell you that. Most of the time I don't struggle like this and for that, I am SO thankful. But yesterday, I was sad and slightly grumpy.

Yesterday, I wanted to cry and to stomp my feet and throw a 2 year old style temper tantrum. It's not fair. It's not easy. It's not my "ideal" to have to wait for so long. I don't want to. I want it to be done and I want it to be done now. When I told this to my aunt on the phone, she kinda laughed and said "Natalie, don't you think the Lord would smile at that and giggle? He understands, He created you with this passion". SO TRUE. It really reminded me that God can handle all my emotions. I can feel free to tell Him that I don't like this, because He understands. He isn't afraid of my hissy-fits and isn't going to "smite me" because I am grumpy at this situation. He loves me and He knows my heart...He knows that I'm sad and grumpy and frustrated and impatient. He knows I was struggling yesterday, in fact, He knew I was going to struggle before I even got up. I love the idea that He listened to my grumping with a smile on His face and understanding in His eyes. I like that He probably laughed when He said "Natalie, I understand...let me comfort you". 

Yesterday was a struggle and I didn't really love it and I definitely don't want it to become something that happens more than "once in awhile" because it's not fun. BUT, I'm thankful that even in my temper tantrum mood, I know that I serve a God who understands and who isn't annoyed by me. I know that on my next "struggle day", He will be there - He already is there! - and that He will choose to comfort me that day too. 

I also wanted to thank those of you who were not hesitant to offer kind words and prayers yesterday. I'm not a "attention seeking, dramatic Facebook post" kind of girl, that actually makes me kinda of crazy, so debated even mentioning it on there yesterday, but I do want to be honest about our journey and yesterday was hard. Thank you so much for your understanding and for your love. I'm so thankful for you.