"Maybe you'll get lucky..."

Baby shopping. I've started and I can't seem to stop...nor do I really have the desire to stop. I love it. I love to walk through the baby aisles. I like to plan (as you all know, haha!) and dream and make decisions as to what we want to have for our baby. It's almost too exciting for me sometimes, actually! :-) My sister gave us a mobile for the nursery and my parents saved my baby crib and highchair for when we visit. Baby things are exciting!

People are talkative in the baby sections of stores...making suggestions and telling stories of their experiences of certain products. They tell me who/what they are shopping for and ask about me. I always say "my husband and I are adopting". Most of the time, we get "Oh, good for you!" or "How exciting!" or something along those lines.

However, that's not always the response. We are finding that once some people hear of our adoption, instantly our fertility becomes acceptable to ask about. We have heard this "Oh, you're a you adopting - can't you have your own children?", "Did you try in vitro?", "I could never adopt, there are too many screwed up/sick kids out there", "Maybe you'll get lucky and get pregnant, then you wouldn't have to adopt".

Growing up, my dad always told me to "shred my tongue" when I feel the need to tell the person in front of me what I am truly thinking about something I disagree with. Stop and pray for grace to be in my heart and words. I find myself putting that advice into play when I hear comments like that. Once upon a time, I thought international adoption was for other people. I don't understand what other people are passionate about, all the time. The Lord gives different passions and callings to everyone...it's beautiful, if you stop and think about it. If everyone had same passion - nothing else would ever get done. Adoption is not for everyone. Everyone is not going to understand and not everyone feels like I do. That's okay, it really is. My goal in life has never been to do what everyone else is doing or to make sure everyone understands my actions. My goal in life is to follow what I feel the Lord calling me to do. He is the One who makes my heart beat and the One who puts air into my lungs, He is the One who created me with the passions that I have and the One I want to serve. He is. 

Adoption is not our second choice. Have we given birth to a child, no. But, is this a reaction to that? No. We want to adopt. I've known this is what I was called to do since since I was a child. We know this is the path that the Lord has asked us to travel and we are JOYFULLY traveling down that path. We have no regrets. If we conceive and give birth to a child one day, that's great. But, I am not hoping for that. It's not something I have a strong desire for. It's not something I will be sad about if it never happens. Our baby is not less ours because he or she doesn't share our DNA. This is not is second choice. "Maybe you'll get lucky...". We already are.

...feeling blessed...

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

(Luke 2:19)

 

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you. This blog has become like a diary to me, and the thought of everyone in the world knowing about my innermost thoughts and fears made me feel so vulnerable and I went back and forth all night before finally pushing that "post" button on Facebook. I'm sure Mike would back me up when I say that I was having a little (and by that I mean, A LOT) of anxiety about it. I was seriously almost crying. But, I am so thankful I shared it. All of your kind words, your prayers, your congratulations have brought be to tears! Mike and I are both so humbled by it - our God is SO good. I actually had a hard time sleeping the first few nights after posting it on Facebook because my heart was so full. There is no other way to describe how I felt. Although our baby is an "orphan", he or she is already loved. 

"...my cup runneth over..."

(Psalm 23:5)

A few months before my Granpa Eddlemon died, he showed Mike and I a card that his brother had sent him. I think it was a birthday card. Inside, his brother had expressed his thanks for my Granpa's kind and gentle spirit and for his wisdom and love. Granpa looked at us as said "That's the Lord he sees - that's not me. I'm not those things, but He is." That moment has been engraved in the hearts of both Mike and myself. That's what we want everyone to see - we want you to see Him in this journey. The Lord is the writer and conductor of this beautiful piece of music. To HIM be the glory. In all the ups and downs, may He be seen in what we do. We just want to be faithful...the only thing we are doing in this whole process is doing what we feel Him asking us to do. That's it. We're not doing anything great and wonderful. We doubt, and we're scared, and we question how it's all going to work, and we do not have it all together. We're just following Him. So, anything good you see in our lives and in our story, that's not us...we are not those things. But, He is. He always will be.