We had our first home study on November 2nd. It was a lot different that the international home studies. Our social worker came over and went over all the paperwork with us. Instead of being interviewed, this time we get to just fill out papers. (Not complaining at all about that!) She gave us the dates of PRIDE training in January and we just chatted a little. We are all signed up for fingerprinting next week and we'll get all the paperwork filled out before our PRIDE classes. After that, we'll work with our social worker on what needs to be done in our home so that it's up to state regulations. Very methodical steps that I am very thankful for after the ups and downs of these past few years.
As I was putting our tree up (yes, it's up before Thanksgiving), I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. Actually, someones were missing. I felt the loss of our children. When you start the adoption process, you picture yourself with that child...you start to love them, pray for them, and dream about what life will be like when you're all together. It doesn't make sense to everyone, "How can you miss a child you never knew"...but isn't that what adoption is? You love someone you never met - you pursue the path it takes to be with them. When we were told about Russia, we lost a child. When we were told about Ethiopia, we lost another child. We have also experienced a miscarriage since we've been married. Three little lives that deeply touched ours. And I've come to realize, that I can't just pretend those children don't exist. They do exist. So, Mike and I have decided to get our "angel children" little ornaments for our Christmas tree. Christmas is my favorite time of the year (that's why I am fine with it starting in October and ending in January) and I can think of no better way to honor our children's lives than to celebrate them on our Christmas tree. Not in a "forever mourning" way, but in a celebratory way that shows that we will never forget them and continue to pray for them. I've claimed their salvation, praying that the Lord marks their hearts and souls for Him and I can't wait until Heaven when we'll finally get to see those sweet faces.
I also felt the loss of our future children...missing them and praying for their safety and that they feel the presence of God in their little lives, even if they don't know it. As I was telling a co-worker about the Christmas ornaments, she gave me the idea of also buying ornaments for our future children - and then when they are finally home, they will already have something to put on our tree. Something that claims a spot for them now. I cannot wait...our future is full of Hope because we believe He works all things for His good.
I know it's Thanksgiving morning and all I've really talked about is Christmas ornaments. But, I'll wrap it all up in a nice Thanksgiving ending...I am so thankful. I am thankful that I know the Lord. I cannot fathom living this life without His Hope and His Joy and His never ending Love. He is why my heart beats and the reason I wake up in the morning. He is the One who died for my heart and the One who wins in the end. And He loves you. Don't go through these days without Him, I promise you it's not worth it. I am thankful for my marriage - marriage is not always easy and it's not always fun, but I'm so thankful for a man who has fought with me to keep it going and that I can call him my best friend. I'm thankful for who Mike is and for how he not only loves me, but how he has and does love our children (all of them!). I'm thankful for family and friends who love us and who are walking this path with us - people who take time to listen and to be involved with what's going on with us. I'm thankful for those of you who are praying for our children along with us. When you adopt, you come across a lot of opinions and "advice" from people who really have no desire to invest anything into you. It's really hard and it can be annoying and actually, it can be very hurtful. So, I never want to take for granted those people who are in the trenches with us the best they can be. I'm thankful for my amazing job and my co-workers. I'm thankful for Mike's job. I'm thankful for our home, our cars, and our little camper...we have been blessing in such abundance and I don't want to overlook any of it. We have lights and heat and blankets and food in the fridge. We have the knowledge that He is always there. I am so thankful.
See? I ended it on a Thanksgiving note. ;-) Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends...
O Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; Let us shout joyfully to
the rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with
thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is a
great God, And a great King above all gods, In whose hand are the
depths of the earth; The peaks of the mountains are His also. The sea is
His, for it was He who made it; And His hands formed the dry land.
Come, let us worship and bow down; Let us kneel before the LORD our
Maker.
Psalm 95:1-6
