Restoration

It's been awhile since I updated here - sorry. I normally find myself wanting and needing to talk and get all my feelings out there to the world (aka, you) but, these last few months were different for me.

Mike and I attended the orientation/information/first required meeting for our agency about a month ago. It was 3 hours long and full of info...and it was extraordinarily overwhelming to me. I had a minor freak out after it, scared that we didn't have what it takes. And I just found myself tired. Not the sleepy "I need a nap" kind of tired, but my soul was tired. Starting over again...again...was not just discouraging to me, but it was exhausting. I was tired of being hopeful, of looking for "the next step", of telling people what stage we were in for the adoption process. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It's not that I wasn't still dreaming of being a family of more than Mike and I, it's just that my soul was dry...empty...tired. And I didn't feel like I could do it all again. The idea of another application/home study/wait process was too much for me.

I thought about pushing through all of this and just going ahead with the application and "get the ball rolling", but then I decided to let myself be tired. To let myself feel the weight and reality of what we've been through. To let myself be comforted by the Lord as He started to fill my soul again. After talking through all these feelings with Mike, I realized that he knew what I was talking about. We decided to wait until after our vacation to start the application process. This gave me permission to just relax and not be focusing on "the next step"...because "the next step" for me...for us...was to rest. 

This has been amazing for me, and for Mike and I, and I'm so thankful for it. We had more time to mourn and to really accept that the path we thought we were on looks different than what we had pictured. It has given us time to talk about what we want our family to look like and pray about this "new to us" path that we're now on. It's been a time of restoration for my soul. 

I got a text from friend this week that has this quote in it: 

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

 (Chambers)

This quote perfectly fit what I felt. I love that God works through friends and through text and at the perfect time. 

Our vacation is coming up soon and then after that, we will see what needs to be done with our application. But, until then, I am letting the past sleep in His hands...because He loves us. And when we take the next step, we'll be holding those same hands...because He loves us. And I want to let myself soak that in. 

"He restores my soul..." 

(Psalm 23:3)

What is true.

I think if I ever write a book about our adoption journey, I'm going to have to do a spin off of "Mr Toads Wild Ride" as a title because that's what life feels like to me sometimes. 

I didn't write to you at all in February, but since it was a short month, let's say that was the reason and not the actual truth which is: I'm kinda riding the struggle bus lately. And I am well aware that I am buying my own ticket and putting myself on the bus, but I've definitely been a passenger this last month. 

Here's another truth for you: on my voyages riding the bus, I have realized that God is faithful. All. The. Time. Even when I would actually prefer Him not to be. He is there in the morning, He is there when I'm going throughout my day, and He is there awhile I sleep. Which means, He knows what's going on and He is in control. He is faithful when I would rather prefer to believe that He has forgotten about me. I would rather believe that He wants me to take the reigns and take the path that I think would be easiest. I find myself annoyed sometimes at His plan and I feel frustrated that I know what is true and what is right. 

While I'm at it, let's just keep going with this "truth" thing...I believe that God is in control of this journey and what I have been struggling with lately is the nagging voice in my head and in my heart that is saying "you're never going to get what you dreamed of" because that voice is trying to get me to take my eyes off of Him and focus on "what I won't have". It is trying to move my center. 

I'm not trying to be vague here or dramatic. This is just what I'm going through right now and I don't want to ignore it. We are still on our journey and we still believe that this is where we should be. We have had chances lately to change our path, but we just don't have peace about it. It's kinda frustrating, to be honest. But, I have to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him. Yes, we know other ways might be faster. Yes, we know there are children all over the world and right here that need families. Yes, we wish it would go faster. Yes, this is hard. But He hasn't forgotten us...He knows my name. He knows my heart, He is the one who's keeps it beating. He knows what I dream of and what my heart aches for, He gave me the ability to dream and to love. He knows. He actually sits next to me on the bus and asks me if He can help me get down the step to the sidewalk again. He is faithful. All. The. Time. And I want to be faithful to Him and what He is calling me too. I want His fingerprints to be evident on all things. 

So, here's to Monday and to our journey and to returning this ticket to struggle bus. I want to walk.