Writing is how I process my thoughts.

More years ago than I care to admit, a friend introduced me to Rich Mullins songs. He played a song called "Hold Me Jesus" and I was so taken by the honesty and vulnerability of the words. I think I had the song memorized by the end of that week of camp. 

I haven't been sleeping very soundly since we learned the news of Ethiopia. Last night was no exception. I woke up at 2am and felt like my body was burning from the inside out. I flipped and flopped (sorry Mike) and fell back asleep for short intervals until the alarm went off this morning. Needless to say, I was a little crabby this morning.

There is a line in "Hold Me Jesus" that says this: "and I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.". As I was getting ready for my day, I realized that I knew what Rich Mullins meant by that. And I felt myself start to go down a path that is so dangerous. I started to feel like we are victims in this journey. I started to get annoyed at things that I shouldn't. I started to feel like people should feel bad for us and pity the situation. And I realized that those feelings are lies. I am not a victim. 

I'm not saying that this situation doesn't suck. My heart is broken for us, for the other families who are also making tough decisions, and mostly for the children who might never get their families. This totally sucks. And it's okay for us to be sad, and to be angry, and to grieve. But I am not a victim.

We choose to follow what we felt the Lord calling us to. We choose to be faithful and to say "we trust in Your plan". We are not victims because of the journey we are on had taken a different turn than we had hoped. We are not unfortunate because we choose to live our lives for Christ.

 I refuse to let myself be tricked by darkness and fall into the category of "poor me". I chose to follow Him, and I chose to believe (because my heart knows the truth) that His plan for us is bigger and more amazing than I can even fathom. I refuse to let the blisters on my heart control my thinking. "Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf - You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace." 

I don't want pity or to be coddled - I want, no, I NEED prayers. I need encouragement and I need reminders that He is eternally good. I want my heart to cling to Him, because in Him there is hope and joy and peace. In Him, there is life. 

Well, sometimes my life 

Just don't make sense at all 

When the mountains look so big 

And my faith just seems so small 

CHORUS: 

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace 

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 

It's so hot inside my soul 

I swear there must be blisters on my heart 

CHORUS 

Surrender don't come natural to me 

I'd rather fight You for something 

I don't really want 

Than to take what You give that I need 

And I've beat my head against so many walls 

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees 

And this Salvation Army band 

Is playing this hymn 

And Your grace rings out so deep 

It makes my resistance seem so thin 

CHORUS 

You have been King of my glory 

Won't You be my Prince of Peace

dark night of the soul- please continue to pray

Hey All, this is Mike. I know I don't post here very often. In light of what has happened I feel led to share what I have been feeling.

I am a fan of good stories. A type of story that really has interested me of late is the Superhero stories. I have been reading a lot of Batman and just saw the last two Avenger movies. What these stories have and what makes them interesting and thrilling is there is a time when all hope seems to be lost. This is sometimes called the "Dark Night of the Soul." When this scene occurs in a movie we are all on the edge of our seats and biting our nails. Without this scene, the story would be boring, there would be no tension.

The news that Ethiopia is basically closing adoption and that our hopes and dreams of adopting a child from Ethiopia is a "Dark Night of the Soul" scene for me. It really has been a downer time for me. Right now it seems like the chance of Natalie and I adopting a child is hopeless. Like a distant dream that will never come true.

The past few days I have been angry with God. I have asked so many questions and have seemed to get so few answers. My temptation is to power through. My temptation is to not name the anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal. However, I know I need to name those feelings and grieve. My temptation is to rush out of the "Dark Night of the Soul." I know if I rush out of that place I will miss out on the beauty on the other side.

Today, has been a better day. Not in that I see hope, but that I woke up ready to go, ready to face the day and accomplish what God had for me. Not because I am better, but because I need to continue to fight. Because I want to continue the good fight. There is a child out there for Natalie and I. It is just hard, if not impossible for me to see how that will happen.

As I type this a passage that has meant so much to my family comes to mind. It is Psalm 23. There is one verse that sticks out to me right now. 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Psalm 23:4 NLT)

Even though I am experiencing a "Dark Night of the Soul" I will not be afraid. For God is by my side and he comforts me. Right now I can't see to the other side of this scene. But my hope is, that like all great Superhero movies, that this story ends up with good defeating evil. That Natalie and I will get to share with you in the celebration of a child. Making us a family of three.

Please continue to pray for us as we deal with this pain and as we seek God's will for us. #June1st

Please read this entry - we need prayer.

I haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet. I got home and wanted to write to you all while I was feeling "up" about all this.

We got the news this weekend from our adoption agency that while Ethiopia is not closing it's doors officially to international adoption, they do not believe the country intends to continue adoption of children from their country. There are 11 families who have already been placed with a child and it is their hope to be able to bring those children home, but after that they will be exiting the country. So, we need to start again. Again.

I wasn't totally shocked by this news. As we have already seen with Russia, this happens. But, just because I wasn't shocked, doesn't mean it didn't break my heart. It totally broke my heart and my heart is still broke.

After we got the email, and let it process a little - the tears and emotion came: angry, sad, confused, lonely. As we laid on our bed, Mike prayed and I cried...the ugly type of bawling...snotty nose-puffy eyes-hiccups type of cry. After Mike prayed, he said to me "I just keep hearing the word 'faithful' in my mind." In between my hiccups and sobs, I felt the Lord tell me that He loved me. And I told Him that I didn't want to hear it. (Side note: I'm very thankful for a God who can handle my emotions!!). I decided to go to bed angry at Him that night.

Well, as it turns out - God will not be ignored. He woke me up bright and early to talk. I got out of bed, got my coffee, and sat down in the living room. I opened up my daily devotional by (my future BFF) Shauna Niequist and turned to the date. It was about how when she felt furthest from God, she ended up just holding her Bible and waiting for Him to do something. So, I did that for awhile. And I felt Him tell me to turn to Psalms and read. I got to Psalm 4 and the tears started all over again. Here's what it says: (I've put in bold the parts that He used to speak to my heart)

Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

 How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false god?  

Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.

Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

 Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.

Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

 So I asked Him to fill my heart with joy: something I didn't think was possible, nor did I really know if I actually wanted. I kept repeating: "Lord hear my prayer", even though I couldn't really put into words what I was feeling. And there, in our living room, He gave me joy. It's not a joy that says " I'm fine now, let's dance!", but it's a joy that says "He's not done yet". It's a joy that tells me that we're not forgotten and that those children in Ethiopia are not forgotten. It is a promise that He is eternally good.

Our agency gave us some options, and asked that we let them know by June 1 what we feel is best for our family. So here is where we need your prayers because that's not far away. We need prayers for wisdom and for peace and for joy and for guidance. 

The past 4 four months or so, the Lord has put Ephesians 1:16-21 on my heart to pray for others, and that is what I'm asking that you pray for us. Here it is: 

  I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 

 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.   

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,  

 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. 

That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 

 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

 

So there's where we are. Please, friends, pray for us and for the other families who are all making this same choice. We love you.

Sunday Morning!

Good morning! It's been awhile, huh? I haven't forgotten about you - quite the opposite actually, but more about that in a minute. Let's do an adoption process update.

As I've told you, the international adoption process is not one that will normally gives you whiplash from the speed of things. (Yes, I know there are some random cases that move super fast and its all a blur, but for the most part - it's a game of waiting). Adoption out of Ethiopia has been pretty slow for everyone...all adoption agencies everywhere are experiencing the same things. But, since the beginning of the year, almost 10 families in our agency have been able to bring their little ones home! How wonderful is that?? These families have been waiting for so long and some had already met their children and were waiting for court approval to be able to bring them home! It makes my heart so happy, and so hopeful, to hear updates like that. One day, Lord willing, that will be us! We are encouraged that these families are celebrating like that. Our prayer is that updates like this keep happening so we can bring our little one home sooner. :-) But, as I've said before - there are no promises in adoption. Our only promise is that God's name will be glorified and our hope is that our lives continue to reflect where we find our hope and our strength. So, we will continue our path and praise Him for His provision and for this journey. 

I've felt like I have never fully caught up from our accident in January. I was down for 4 days after our crash and part of me feels like I've been 4 days behind ever since. I know Mike has felt the same way. We're tired and I feel like I should always be looking around me, trying to figure out what I've forgotten to do. It's been overwhelming and it's kinda been a buzz kill for me. I have been wanting to write to you all, but I've felt a little embarrassed that I haven't had anything huge and exciting to with share with you. I've felt like it would be disappointing for you to open and update and read "nothing knew to report on the adoption front, but here's how I'm a mess...".  So I've opened up this journal a few times and typed a little, only to delete it and turn off the computer. I just felt like nothing I had to say was of any substance, so I just didn't say it. 

This past week, Mike's paternal grandmother passed away. As we stood at the visitation at the funeral home on Friday night, catching up with family we haven't seen in awhile, the Lord knocked on my heart and asked me to listen. I had a few family members tell me that they are following along with us. I mentioned to one that I just didn't feel like I had anything to say, so I hadn't been writing. She told me "just use it as a diary!". And the Lord seemed to slow my mind down to make sure that that moment stuck out to me. 

Earlier in the day, I had put this quote on Facebook from Shauna Niequist (my future best friend. If you haven't read any of Shauna's books, you should):

 There are two myths that we tend to believe about our stories: the first is that is they're about us, and the second is that because they're about us, they don't matter. There's nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is, in fact, nothing bigger. When we, any of us who have been transformed by Christ, tell our stories, we're telling the story of who God is. And when we tell the truth about our lives - the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts - then the gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in Sunday School.

Are you shaking your head at me? It's okay, you totally can - because I did.

Here's the truth that I got from the Lord: my story right now matters. As I stood in the funeral home, I realized that people were not remembering only one part of Mike's grandmas life. They all remembered something different, every part of her life mattered. My story doesn't only involve adoption. He is working in so many other parts of my life, and while it's all intertwining with my future role as a mommy, it all matters right now.

It matters RIGHT NOW if I am loving to people who I don't feel like loving. It matters RIGHT NOW if I am compassionate. It matters RIGHT NOW if I choose to give my feeling of "being 4 days behind life" to God and let Him take over. RIGHT NOW. God didn't start my story when we started to adopt. He doesn't put my story on hold when the adoption process isn't moving. He doesn't forget about me. He is always there, always moving, always asking me to take His hand and follow Him. He is always asking me to love, to help, to pray, to show compassion, to forgive, and to be forgiven.

So I'm asking the Lord to remind me of this, when I feel like I have nothing to share. He's never not doing something. And the story of Him working in my life is worth sharing. It's what I'm called to do. He is orchestrating the most beautiful piece of music, and we get to be a part of it. You and I.  Because what He's doing in YOUR life is also worth sharing. Your story matters. It matters right now, it's worth sharing right now.

You, my friend, matter to me! Thank you for asking about our journey, for following along, for supporting us in every way possible. 

"Let's sizzle and pop in His name. Let's dance and shimmer and scrawl out our stories across the sky, like He taught us to. Let's echo the His words, and let our live speak those words: IT IS GOOD." 

(Shauna Niequist)

When there was just hope..

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish indefinitely more than we might ask or think." 

(Ephesians 3:30) 

Orange fabric pews.

I had a hard time explaining this to Mike yesterday, but sometimes it's easier for me to write than it is to talk...my thoughts seem to flow better when the nuisence of speaking is not a barrier. Let's try this. 

We spent 24 hours in my hometown this weekend. We go home fairly often, so that wasn't unusal, but Sunday morning we went to services in the church that I grew up in (something we haven't done in 6 years, and even before that it was probably only a handful of times since we got married...which happened there!). When I say that I grew up there, I'm not lying...I literally spent a good portion of my childhood/teenage years there. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, youth group overnighters, my school was a part of it so weekdays from 8-3pm I was there, and my mom also worked there in the offices so time was spent after school was done before we went home. My mom actually went into labor with me while she was there. I got married there. I said "goodbye" to my Grandpa there. I realized that God had a reason for me to be alive while I was there. I made lifelong friends there and I made friends who were there for a minute, but left permenant impressions on my heart. This place is more than a walls, floors, funny sloped ceilings, and the memory of horrible orange fabric pews for me...it played a major role in shaping me to be who I am. Good memories, bad memories, laughter, fights, tears, and things that I will always keep in my heart. 

What I was trying to explain to Mike, and eventually did after stumbling over my words and trying to align my thoughts, is that the 2 hours we spent in that building yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember sitting on the "organ side" of the sanctuary in church one Sunday morning my first year of college and just asking God what He wanted. I was so annoyed at life. I felt that I should be doing things that I wasn't doing and that I had no way to start those things. I wanted this and that and what they had. I wanted it to hurry up and I felt like He wasn't tracking with me, haha. So I threw up some prayers and just let it go. 

As we sat in that same santuary yesterday, I realized that if God had just given me what I thought I wanted back then and put me on the track of life that I "knew" I wanted, I wouldn't have this life that I have now. And it got me thinking about this path we are on and how the journey is worth it. 

I can look back at that building and see how God used it to mold me to who I am as I write this to you. I can see how He used people there to teach me and walk by me when I was young, and how some of them are still teaching me and walking by me today. (SV and KW, you both have meant so much to me and I'm so thankful for you). And in this same way, I know that when our sweet baby is in our arms, I will look back on this time and feel the same. I will remember the laughter, the tears, and how they all played a part. 

I'm so thankful for those two hours yesterday - so thankful that the Lord gave me such a tangible way to feel His promise and the hope He calls me too. Thankful that He is in control and that He is here in this "waiting" time, just as He was then and how these days aren't to be wasted. He is good and I am thankful. 

What is true.

I think if I ever write a book about our adoption journey, I'm going to have to do a spin off of "Mr Toads Wild Ride" as a title because that's what life feels like to me sometimes. 

I didn't write to you at all in February, but since it was a short month, let's say that was the reason and not the actual truth which is: I'm kinda riding the struggle bus lately. And I am well aware that I am buying my own ticket and putting myself on the bus, but I've definitely been a passenger this last month. 

Here's another truth for you: on my voyages riding the bus, I have realized that God is faithful. All. The. Time. Even when I would actually prefer Him not to be. He is there in the morning, He is there when I'm going throughout my day, and He is there awhile I sleep. Which means, He knows what's going on and He is in control. He is faithful when I would rather prefer to believe that He has forgotten about me. I would rather believe that He wants me to take the reigns and take the path that I think would be easiest. I find myself annoyed sometimes at His plan and I feel frustrated that I know what is true and what is right. 

While I'm at it, let's just keep going with this "truth" thing...I believe that God is in control of this journey and what I have been struggling with lately is the nagging voice in my head and in my heart that is saying "you're never going to get what you dreamed of" because that voice is trying to get me to take my eyes off of Him and focus on "what I won't have". It is trying to move my center. 

I'm not trying to be vague here or dramatic. This is just what I'm going through right now and I don't want to ignore it. We are still on our journey and we still believe that this is where we should be. We have had chances lately to change our path, but we just don't have peace about it. It's kinda frustrating, to be honest. But, I have to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him. Yes, we know other ways might be faster. Yes, we know there are children all over the world and right here that need families. Yes, we wish it would go faster. Yes, this is hard. But He hasn't forgotten us...He knows my name. He knows my heart, He is the one who's keeps it beating. He knows what I dream of and what my heart aches for, He gave me the ability to dream and to love. He knows. He actually sits next to me on the bus and asks me if He can help me get down the step to the sidewalk again. He is faithful. All. The. Time. And I want to be faithful to Him and what He is calling me too. I want His fingerprints to be evident on all things. 

So, here's to Monday and to our journey and to returning this ticket to struggle bus. I want to walk.