Our next step

After I wrote my last entry, I just sat back in amazement that we were actually FINALLY done with the home study part! From start to finish, it was about 7 months. We knew that the adoption process was a waiting game, but we didn't think that the home study process would be part of that game!

So what's next? Our home study case worker told us that she will have everything written up and submitted by the end of this month. (She had to wait until the final home study to begin to type everything up and it's at least 18 pages). After she submits it all, her boss will look over it, and then licensing will check it out and  then it will get notarized. Our case worker says that this process might take a month or two, since the people who do this part don't work everyday. So we'll just wait. :-) 

However, our waiting doesn't have to be idle...we can start working on our "dossier". So we'll start those papers and then hopefully by the end of fall/early part of winter, all the paperwork/letters/forms we have to request and gather will be ready to submit. THEN, we're on the waiting list to be placed with our sweet child. (I get so giddy when I think of that part!!)

Our next payment is due when we submit our dossier, and we are about halfway there right now. The Lord continues to amaze me at how he provides. We had someone give to us through this blog, who we have never even met. (If you're reading this, thank you!!) We plan on applying for some grants and there is also a way to make donations tax deductible after our home studies are formally finished, and we've had some precious friends mention holding different fund raisers with proceeds going towards bringing our amazing babe home. I'll make sure to post them here!

We're taking the next step friends...we're actually, finally, doing it! And I really feel that you are all taking this step with us. I have felt so much support and love from you guys, I can't even begin to express my thankfulness. You guys are excited and waiting along with us and that support is such a gift. We're on to the next part of our journey! Thanks for walking with us!!

"A deep breath, and baby steps - that's how the whole thing starts. It's a long, slow, beautiful dance...to the beat of a heart" 

 (Rascal Flatts)

Approved - a green thumbs up

Last Thursday morning was our last home study. Oh man, oh man, oh man. As you can tell from my last entry, I had some worries about it. But, as you can tell from my status and this title, we were approved. :-) Here's the story:

She was planning on being here at 9am and told us it would talk about 3 hours for the final home study. So we were ready by 8:30am, and because of the confusion that can happen when people aren't familiar with our little town, she was 15 minutes late. This left an extra 15 minutes for me to wander around the house, making sure things were neat and in place. (Although, she didn't even check my dish towel drawer to make sure my towels were all folded and organized by color, haha. But, if she had - it would have been ready!) When she got here, she sat down with us and started going through her checklist of things...starting with the financial stuff. She looked through our papers and asked a few questions and then moved right on to the next thing on the list! It was only 10:30am when she closed her folder and said "okay, I think we're done." Mike got up to use the bathroom and get a drink and I couldn't help myself...I asked "So....did we pass?". Guys, that was the longest 1 second before a response that I've ever experienced. It probably wasn't even a second, but in my mind it felt like 30 seconds! She actually responded right away and said "Absolutely. I will be approving you - green thumbs up" (that's what you see on the adoption portal when something gets approved).

Well, of course I started crying. So thankful. It's been such a long process so far and to know that we're done with this part of it and can fully move on to the next is so wonderful. Now, our case worker will write all of our home studies up and submit them. Then they go through a few people to look over everything and get it notarized. Now, we can start working on our dossier (which, as my husband says, is French for "a whole lot of paperwork").

I had someone recently say to me "when this is all done, you're going to look back and laugh at how silly you are to worry". They meant it with the best of intentions, meaning that they thought it was all going to work out and the time spent worrying about it is fruitless. And, truthfully, worry is fruitless. I know this with my whole heart - I know the Lord knew the outcome before we even started the process. But, what I want to keep reminding myself of is this: what I was feeling was legit. I really felt that concern and I really cried out to the Lord. I was there...it was really something I was struggling with.

As I was struggling, I asked the Lord to give me a promise to hold on to. To provide me with something to carry with me and remind myself of when I started to feel that feeling in my stomach and when my brain started to get so loud that I couldn't seem to get away. I asked Him to give me a promise. He told me this: "I am God."

Now, I don't know what exactly I thought He would say to me...but I was not expecting that. It took me by surprise. I had to just sit and think about it for a few minutes. "I am God". He is who He says He is...He is the beginning and the end, He is fully here, and He is fully there. He is loving. He is sovereign. He is mighty. He is fully of mercy and He is fully of grace. He is the One who tells my heart to beat...the One who tells the leaves to change color in the fall and the One who wakes everything up in the spring. He knows how many stars are in the sky and how many grains of sand are on the beach. He was there with me in those minutes of anxiety and He was already there in our living room after our home study. He knows who our child is. And He knows me. He provides joy and peace to me when I ask...without fail. And I am so thankful. 

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40: 26, 28-31)

Before I forget, you guys played a part in our last home study! I have been saving the notes and cards and wishes that you have sent to us. I put them all in a scrapbook and my hope is that one day, our sweet child will look through it and realize how loved and wanted they were, even before we knew who they were! I showed this to our case worker and she loved it. She thought it was such a sweet idea and said "your child is blessed to have so many people who love them already." We agree. Thanks for being our continual support system and for loving all three of us. :-)

Can't fall back asleep, so it's time for and adoption progess update

I woke up early this morning, and haven't been able to get back to sleep...so I figured my best option was coffee and writing. Things have been happening! Here's where we are:

Monday, Mike went for his physical (with the new and more cooperative doctor) because it had then been a year since his last one...and by Friday, we had both medical forms that we needed in our hands...properly filled out and notarized! (Take that, old doctor!!!)

Yesterday, we finished up our last education needed and now all of those requirements are met!

Today, we are planning on uploading the rest of the documents that we need for our last home study!

Tomorrow, I'm calling our case worker to go over everything we've uploaded and completed to see if our last home study is ready to happen!

After so long of nothing being able to happen, I feel like finally we're getting this ball moving again! But, since I'm always honest with you guys, I want to share what's really going on in my heart right now.

Here's where anxiety has been stealing my joy: (and I cannot believe I'm about to write all this down and be so blatantly honest about it all) I'm afraid that during our last home study, something will happen to put our finalization on hold again. Mainly, I'm afraid they are going to look at us and say "there is no way that you guys could support a child". Mike and I have never been without what we need, the Lord has always provided for us...and it's not 7 years ago for us financially. But, I'm still scared. I'm afraid that they will look at our student loans and say "yeah right". We both feel like the Lord called us both to attended the university that we did (and to the jobs that we currently both have!)...but with that university attendance, came student loans. I'm afraid those loans will be a barrier in this. (Please know, I believe we would be able to provide for a child...but worry has a way of wrapping itself around my heart and my mind and squeezing all the life out)

Now, I realize the hypocrisy in my fear. I can see it. "God called us to go to this university and He's always provided for payments...but now that He's called us to adopt internationally (and has shown Himself in each step), I'm afraid that previous calling will prevent us from this new calling".  I'm a hot mess.

As I was telling Mike what I was afraid of last night, he said this "God called us to this, and we're going to keep going because that's what we're supposed to do." It really brought things back for me (although, it took a night of staring at the ceiling and an early morning of the same) to really grasp it - all throughout this (already kinda long) process, I have said "I want His name to be glorified". That hasn't changed...but it did get squashed with the fear of something stopping this adoption process. I got (and let's be honest, still am) fearful that I might get hurt. Guys, all of my inner most being wants to be a mom. And at the same time, my heart and soul are crying out that "God is still God no matter what". God is still good, no matter what. God is still in control, no matter what. And God is still love, no matter what.

This past week, I've really been thinking about who God is. There are core beliefs out there that if you have enough faith, only good things will happen to you...believe away all bad things because God is not in the bad things. There are also core beliefs that only bad things should happen in life because God is really showing you there's a plan...like when the good times happen, don't get too excited because God is going to show you His plan in something devastating. I don't like either of these core beliefs because I don't think it shows who God is. God is a loving father who delights in providing for us...and because this world isn't how it was created to be, hard times are gonna be here...but He does not smile at our pain, He hurts with us...and He stays with us...and He shows us His love and His desire to make all things new. He provides the light in a situation that seems really dark. And through both the good and the bad times, He is faithful and doesn't look away from us for even a second. He's attentive to what's going on in our lives and wants so badly to show us who He is.

So where does this leave me? I'm here...desperately begging for the Lord to give me His peace. I'm forcing myself to look back and see how He has provided and how He has changed my heart throughout this process. I'm speaking against the fear and anxiety of "what if" and I'm writing down here for everyone to read: I want His name to be glorified in this process. Whether is a green "go ahead" light in the last home study or it's a yellow "on hold" light. I want you to know that I know He is good. He is good no matter what. And I don't believe He makes mistakes.

Please pray for me, and for Mike today and this coming week. I will let you all know when I know something...but please remember...I want to glorify Him. I want His power and His love to be seen. Love you all. <3

I think I have "FOMOABLB"

Maybe it's because of the the youth group/church era that I grew up in, or maybe it's just because of me, but I seriously hate acronyms. Like, why do we need a title with 12 letters that each stand for a different word? Can't we just come up with a smaller word? Churches and youth groups were/are so notorious for making sure those letters are an actual word "SALT" or "REVIVE". There is a line in the movie "That Thing You Do" when they are trying to come up with the name for their new band and someone suggests "Why can't we just be 'The band you're about to hear'?". I agree. Simple and to the point. No making people guess about what it means or what they are signing up for, and no awkward time of trying to pronounce the actual acronym in the private of your car so you don't sound like a fool when you try and have a conversation about it.

Believe it or not, I didn't write this post only about acronyms, but they unfortunately play a role in it. I have heard people talking about FOMO a lot lately - "Fear of missing out". I think I have "FOMOABLB: fear of missing out and being left behind"

I don't care what you say, no one likes to be left behind. No one likes to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone else participate in something they are waiting to do. "Put me in, Coach". I hate it when people whisper (just ask my parents). People whispering can wake me up out of a dead sleep and I can hear the sound of a whisper anywhere. I don't like not know what's going on.

Here's where this comes into play for our adoption journey. Even though we are making progress (I have my medical forms and was able to make an appointment for Mike with a new, more cooperative, doctor in the beginning of June), I still have to fight the sense that I am "missing out" on what other people are doing right now and that I am falling behind what everyone else is doing.

I felt like all of social media was a jerk this morning (not the people, but the media apps, because I'm so rational with things like that) because I think it only picked out stories to show me about couples (most of who never ever post anything on social media) adding to their families...positive pregnancy test, or adding the second, third, sixth, eleventh, thirteenth child. (See? So rational. I don't know anyone in real life with eleven kids, but it feels like that). People seemed to come out of nowhere this morning to share their joy with the world. Guys, I want to be that person. I want to show a family picture of the three of us. I want to schedule play dates with friends, or show pictures of the new little beach chair we got for the summer. I don't want to miss out...and I feel like I am. And I know some will be tempted to say "Oh, you just wait..." and inform me of some way that children complicate life...but, I want that new way of life.

Now before you all think I'm being a whiny, selfish, and jealous baby who can't share in anyone's joy and who is so naive as to what life with children will be like, let me say this: It's not the fault of anyone but me. I truly have happiness in my heart for my friends who are expanding their families. Do I wish that was me? Yep. Am I truly happy to my soul for you, absolutely. Do I have "pie in the sky dreams" about being a family of three? Probably. But, no one is trying to hurt me, and it's not fair to think that someone shouldn't share their happiness because it might make someone sad. No one got pregnant with another child because it would make me feel left out. It's not other people who are upsetting me, it's not even Facebook, or Instagram, or whatever (although I had to think for awhile on that). It's this FOMOABLB.

It would be pretty easy for me to title (even with this obnoxious acronym) what it is that is bothering me today and just use it as an excuse to stay in this hurt. To stay in this place of hurt and alone, and to let it make me a "victim". But, I'm not going to. I'm not going to let the dark and evil forces cloud the truth and beautiful actualities of life and the lives of the ones I love. 

Because here's the truth: I know, without a doubt, we are where we should be. I know, without a doubt, that He loves me. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord knows who our child is. I'm so thankful for what I have...for the love that people have and are showing us. I know, without a doubt, that it would be easy for me to start complaining - because sometimes complaining is easier than the worship. But, the complaining doesn't give life. It doesn't show the joy that I have been given and that I have been instructed to share and show. Complaining and feeling sorry for myself makes me miss out on so much...and I don't want to miss out...and I don't want to be left behind.

So today, I am not going to let myself be a victim to this awful acronym and what it stands for. I'm not going to let the dark win and build up resentment and jealously. I'm going to speak against it and plead for the Lord to give me His joy. I'm going to celebrate with people! I'm going to count my blessings and realize that I have more than I deserve in life...and that His grace and mercy is so overwhelming in abundance. There is always something "more" that people can look for, but when you look for the "more", you miss the "now". And I don't want to miss that. I want to be in the "now" and look to the future with hope. Because that's where life is...that's where joy is...that's where I want to be. I can't miss anything there.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

(Romans 15:13)

Having a change of heart

First off, as I wrote on Facebook yesterday, I had my doctors appointment for all of our adoption forms. Before I got out of the car, I just asked the Lord to bless my doctor and to be evident in this appointment. Oh my goodness, was He ever evident! My new doctor has adopted two children internationally and totally shares my heart and my passions for adoption. She told me that she would personally make sure all the paperwork is filled out fast and sent in. I almost cried like 3 times because I was so thankful for her (and I, of course, told her that...and she wasn't even freaked out by that!) Such an amazing gift. I'm so thankful.

So, as I have admitted in the beginning of our adoption journey, I haven't always had a heart for international adoption. I told people that I would rather adopt 10 US children for the same amount of money that it would take to adopt 1 child internationally. This is a little hard on my heart to admit or to remember because of this HUGE love that I now have for my sweet child in Ethiopia. I was full of pride and ignorance and my words were not words that came from the Lord...because I do not believe that is what He believes.

As we have walked along this journey, we have encountered many different opinions on adoption...people who have never thought about it, people who are overjoyed for us and our journey, people who think it's a last resort to start a family, people who don't agree with the international part, and people who only agree with international adoption (rather than domestic). All sorts of people. People are entitled to their opinions (as much as I agree or disagree with what they are saying..."shred your tongue, Natalie"),  and I have to remind myself that I didn't always think the way I do now. But, I have been noticing lately that there seem to be "sides" chosen when it comes to adoption sometimes.

What's been on my heart today blows all those "side" away, at least in my mind. Let me share the scripture that has been swirling through my thoughts: 

"Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. (Luke 15: 1-7)

I believe that YOU matter to the Lord. He would go after you...He rejoices in you.  I believe I matter to the Lord, He would and has gone after me. I BELIEVE EVERY CHILD MATTERS TO THE LORD.  Sing with me: "red and yellow, black or white...they are precious in His sight...Jesus loves the little children of the world". Each child...every race and every age...no matter what.

I didn't always think this way...I saw it as a "me vs. them" thing - "Domestic vs. International". But it's not...at all. In my way of thinking, and trust me this is not a fun thing to see on the screen in front of me, I was saying that the kids here are more valuable than the kids there by my attitude on the "better" place to adopt from. (ouch). It breaks my heart to realize that, but I am so thankful that I am not there anymore. This is a huge example of God's grace and mercy in my life. Each child is made in the image of our Lord from the moment they are conceived. Each child is loved by Him and each child deserves a chance for life. 

It's not a competition...we're on the same team - "Team Child". It's not "us vs. them", there is not one way to adopt that is better than the other. There is not one country that deserves their children to be adopted over another. There should be no child's life that is sacrificed for "a bigger picture down the road". Each little heart, and each little face, is already loved by their Creator...and it is a blessing and a miracle to be able to also love that little person. 

 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

 (1 John 4:9-11)

I always tell people that my dream is that one day, our house resembles the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney. (Complete with a boat and stream that runs through our home...we'll all sing at you) ;-) Let's stop giving adoption "teams"...let's be on the same team and fight together for the same cause...children. I love being on this journey and I love that we're not on it alone. Thanks for walking it along with us, friends.

Spill all the beans.

I have a dear, sweet friend who I love to get coffee with and just "spill all the beans" to. We call them "Bean Talks". It's so refreshing to just hand all my crap over to her, knowing she will listen and not judge, that she will pray with and for me, and that my "beans" are safe with her. I'm going to use this post as my "beans" post. 

We literally have not moved an inch in our process since my last post, and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin with the desire to make things move faster. My doctors appointment is on Monday, our "education day" is on my calendar, hopefully we will be able to just finish it all up that day. Our main hold up right now is with Mike's doctor. (I'm typing a lot and then deleting because I don't want to be a jerk about it...I'm praying the Lord will give me grace in my words and my thoughts). Mike has been to do the doctor a lot lately, trying to figure out the mystery that is sudden allergies. The doctor was originally willing to fill out the forms we need (which are really basic - height, weight, signature). But, he has suddenly changed his mind and won't fill them out, but Mike's last physical was less than a year ago, so it's kinda looking like we're stuck waiting until his year mark is here and he can get in with another doctor.

Now, you all know my struggle with holding my tongue and giving my words grace. I have a lot of dark, inner thoughts about why this is going on. And, since you're getting all my beans today, I won't hold back that my original thought when I heard this news was "Well this doctor obviously hates adoption and all children". While that's a dramatic conclusion to jump too, and it makes my "victim card" fun to play, it's probably not the reason. And it's not a life giving place to let myself stay. So, I have been doing my best (sometimes my best is not as good as it should be...or at all) to give my anxiety and anger over to the Lord. 

Okay, more beans. Ethiopia has not closed the door to international adoption (yay!), but they have changed the way their system works a little bit. Before a child is considered to be eligible for adoption, the country is now going to try for 2 months to place the child within the country. This will make the waiting process a little longer. 

Honestly, I'm not as upset about the extended waiting time as I am completely broken-hearted at the knowledge of what our sweet, precious, beautiful child will have to go through before we are matched as a family. I actually cannot go much further into my feelings, because it just leads to tears. Sweet little one...you are so wanted. And loved. And prayed for. And I have been waiting my whole life to meet you. 

The knowledge of the process of adoption of the end of our child, brings me to my knees...asking the Lord for His mercy and His love to pour over our baby. I pray that they know His love from the second they are conceived. I pray that they know love from their birth mother. I pray that the people who get to hold and care for them know Jesus and that they show that love to our baby.

I see a lot of brokenness...the whole reason for adoption is because of brokenness and because of a great loss. But, I also see the beauty from the ashes. A child that has no one, and parents whose arms are empty will be united. A mother who loves to take control of the situation and guide it, realizes that she is not the one driving this bus. In fact, a loving God who is beautifully orchestrating this, knowing all and seeing all, is the One driving. And, even though it's not easy - that's the way I want it. And through it all, I see Him. I see God. I see what love really is and that we are never alone.

So there are my beans. With this "bean spilling", I ask for you guys to pray for us. Thank you for loving us...all three of us. :-)

love.

There really isn't a whole lot to update about on our adoption process right now. We have some things on our checklist to complete (things like finishing up our education, and uploading documents). The next few weeks are pretty busy for Mike at work and we really want to be intentional about completing things together and really trying to learn as much as we can, so it might be a few weeks before everything is in for the final home study. 

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and as I walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water, I stopped by the spare bedroom. I'm always in awe that I'm going to be a mother because sometimes I feel like I'm still a little girl who is playing "house". As I stood in the doorway to our baby's future nursery, I couldn't help but pray "Thank you" and "Please help me" all at the same time. I have sensed the Lord working in my heart lately to ask Him to prepare my heart for the role of mommy. But, it's been in a way that has surprised me. He has been showing me that He loves me. Now, I know that that  may sound cliche', obvious, or ridiculous to you. But, to me, it's been life changing. 

I guess I have always viewed my relationship with the Lord as one that needed me to hold up my end of the things in order for Him to want to love me. And if I didn't hold my end, life would be difficult and it would be my fault. I thought I would just have to deal with the consequences of how things were going because I did something wrong. Please don't get me wrong here, there are consequences to our behaviors and our actions in life. But, where I was all wrong was where I thought I had to complete a list of tasks in a certain way to earn the Lord's time or favor. I was so wrong, and He has been so loving in the way that He has spoken to me that He loves me no matter what. He loved me before I loved Him. And I sure as heck didn't do ANYTHING to have Him love me. 

"This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." (1 John 4:10)

As the Lord is preparing me to be our baby's mommy, He is speaking to me as His child. Just as I will love to provide for our child, the Lord loves to provide for me. Just as I will do anything in order to be close to my child, the Lord has done EVERYTHING in order to be close to me. Just as I love to create a space for our child in our home, He has created a place for me. Just as our child doesn't have to do anything in order for me to love them, I didn't have to do anything in order for Him to love me. And there will be nothing our child will do to make me love them more or that will ever stop me from loving them, there is nothing I had to do to be loved by Him and He will never stop loving me.
 
The acknowledgement of His love has absolutely rocked my world these past two weeks. It causes me to stop and I just let is sink in: "He loves me". It takes so much pressure off of me, worrying that I shouldn't ask anything of Him because I really haven't been holding up my end and I don't deserve His time. He's never too busy to listen and to speak to me. He wants me to ask Him, He wants me to talk to Him about whatever it is that I'm feeling.

I don't know if you're still reading this, I know it's probably a lot of babble and things that you already know. But, it still amazes me. He loves me. And He loves you. I hope that I can show this love to our little babe...as much as I want to be the best mommy, I want even more for them to know about His love.