love.

There really isn't a whole lot to update about on our adoption process right now. We have some things on our checklist to complete (things like finishing up our education, and uploading documents). The next few weeks are pretty busy for Mike at work and we really want to be intentional about completing things together and really trying to learn as much as we can, so it might be a few weeks before everything is in for the final home study. 

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and as I walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water, I stopped by the spare bedroom. I'm always in awe that I'm going to be a mother because sometimes I feel like I'm still a little girl who is playing "house". As I stood in the doorway to our baby's future nursery, I couldn't help but pray "Thank you" and "Please help me" all at the same time. I have sensed the Lord working in my heart lately to ask Him to prepare my heart for the role of mommy. But, it's been in a way that has surprised me. He has been showing me that He loves me. Now, I know that that  may sound cliche', obvious, or ridiculous to you. But, to me, it's been life changing. 

I guess I have always viewed my relationship with the Lord as one that needed me to hold up my end of the things in order for Him to want to love me. And if I didn't hold my end, life would be difficult and it would be my fault. I thought I would just have to deal with the consequences of how things were going because I did something wrong. Please don't get me wrong here, there are consequences to our behaviors and our actions in life. But, where I was all wrong was where I thought I had to complete a list of tasks in a certain way to earn the Lord's time or favor. I was so wrong, and He has been so loving in the way that He has spoken to me that He loves me no matter what. He loved me before I loved Him. And I sure as heck didn't do ANYTHING to have Him love me. 

"This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." (1 John 4:10)

As the Lord is preparing me to be our baby's mommy, He is speaking to me as His child. Just as I will love to provide for our child, the Lord loves to provide for me. Just as I will do anything in order to be close to my child, the Lord has done EVERYTHING in order to be close to me. Just as I love to create a space for our child in our home, He has created a place for me. Just as our child doesn't have to do anything in order for me to love them, I didn't have to do anything in order for Him to love me. And there will be nothing our child will do to make me love them more or that will ever stop me from loving them, there is nothing I had to do to be loved by Him and He will never stop loving me.
 
The acknowledgement of His love has absolutely rocked my world these past two weeks. It causes me to stop and I just let is sink in: "He loves me". It takes so much pressure off of me, worrying that I shouldn't ask anything of Him because I really haven't been holding up my end and I don't deserve His time. He's never too busy to listen and to speak to me. He wants me to ask Him, He wants me to talk to Him about whatever it is that I'm feeling.

I don't know if you're still reading this, I know it's probably a lot of babble and things that you already know. But, it still amazes me. He loves me. And He loves you. I hope that I can show this love to our little babe...as much as I want to be the best mommy, I want even more for them to know about His love.