Spill all the beans.

I have a dear, sweet friend who I love to get coffee with and just "spill all the beans" to. We call them "Bean Talks". It's so refreshing to just hand all my crap over to her, knowing she will listen and not judge, that she will pray with and for me, and that my "beans" are safe with her. I'm going to use this post as my "beans" post. 

We literally have not moved an inch in our process since my last post, and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin with the desire to make things move faster. My doctors appointment is on Monday, our "education day" is on my calendar, hopefully we will be able to just finish it all up that day. Our main hold up right now is with Mike's doctor. (I'm typing a lot and then deleting because I don't want to be a jerk about it...I'm praying the Lord will give me grace in my words and my thoughts). Mike has been to do the doctor a lot lately, trying to figure out the mystery that is sudden allergies. The doctor was originally willing to fill out the forms we need (which are really basic - height, weight, signature). But, he has suddenly changed his mind and won't fill them out, but Mike's last physical was less than a year ago, so it's kinda looking like we're stuck waiting until his year mark is here and he can get in with another doctor.

Now, you all know my struggle with holding my tongue and giving my words grace. I have a lot of dark, inner thoughts about why this is going on. And, since you're getting all my beans today, I won't hold back that my original thought when I heard this news was "Well this doctor obviously hates adoption and all children". While that's a dramatic conclusion to jump too, and it makes my "victim card" fun to play, it's probably not the reason. And it's not a life giving place to let myself stay. So, I have been doing my best (sometimes my best is not as good as it should be...or at all) to give my anxiety and anger over to the Lord. 

Okay, more beans. Ethiopia has not closed the door to international adoption (yay!), but they have changed the way their system works a little bit. Before a child is considered to be eligible for adoption, the country is now going to try for 2 months to place the child within the country. This will make the waiting process a little longer. 

Honestly, I'm not as upset about the extended waiting time as I am completely broken-hearted at the knowledge of what our sweet, precious, beautiful child will have to go through before we are matched as a family. I actually cannot go much further into my feelings, because it just leads to tears. Sweet little one...you are so wanted. And loved. And prayed for. And I have been waiting my whole life to meet you. 

The knowledge of the process of adoption of the end of our child, brings me to my knees...asking the Lord for His mercy and His love to pour over our baby. I pray that they know His love from the second they are conceived. I pray that they know love from their birth mother. I pray that the people who get to hold and care for them know Jesus and that they show that love to our baby.

I see a lot of brokenness...the whole reason for adoption is because of brokenness and because of a great loss. But, I also see the beauty from the ashes. A child that has no one, and parents whose arms are empty will be united. A mother who loves to take control of the situation and guide it, realizes that she is not the one driving this bus. In fact, a loving God who is beautifully orchestrating this, knowing all and seeing all, is the One driving. And, even though it's not easy - that's the way I want it. And through it all, I see Him. I see God. I see what love really is and that we are never alone.

So there are my beans. With this "bean spilling", I ask for you guys to pray for us. Thank you for loving us...all three of us. :-)