I woke up early this morning, and haven't been able to get back to sleep...so I figured my best option was coffee and writing. Things have been happening! Here's where we are:
Monday, Mike went for his physical (with the new and more cooperative doctor) because it had then been a year since his last one...and by Friday, we had both medical forms that we needed in our hands...properly filled out and notarized! (Take that, old doctor!!!)
Yesterday, we finished up our last education needed and now all of those requirements are met!
Today, we are planning on uploading the rest of the documents that we need for our last home study!
Tomorrow, I'm calling our case worker to go over everything we've uploaded and completed to see if our last home study is ready to happen!
After so long of nothing being able to happen, I feel like finally we're getting this ball moving again! But, since I'm always honest with you guys, I want to share what's really going on in my heart right now.
Here's where anxiety has been stealing my joy: (and I cannot believe I'm about to write all this down and be so blatantly honest about it all) I'm afraid that during our last home study, something will happen to put our finalization on hold again. Mainly, I'm afraid they are going to look at us and say "there is no way that you guys could support a child". Mike and I have never been without what we need, the Lord has always provided for us...and it's not 7 years ago for us financially. But, I'm still scared. I'm afraid that they will look at our student loans and say "yeah right". We both feel like the Lord called us both to attended the university that we did (and to the jobs that we currently both have!)...but with that university attendance, came student loans. I'm afraid those loans will be a barrier in this. (Please know, I believe we would be able to provide for a child...but worry has a way of wrapping itself around my heart and my mind and squeezing all the life out)
Now, I realize the hypocrisy in my fear. I can see it. "God called us to go to this university and He's always provided for payments...but now that He's called us to adopt internationally (and has shown Himself in each step), I'm afraid that previous calling will prevent us from this new calling". I'm a hot mess.
As I was telling Mike what I was afraid of last night, he said this "God called us to this, and we're going to keep going because that's what we're supposed to do." It really brought things back for me (although, it took a night of staring at the ceiling and an early morning of the same) to really grasp it - all throughout this (already kinda long) process, I have said "I want His name to be glorified". That hasn't changed...but it did get squashed with the fear of something stopping this adoption process. I got (and let's be honest, still am) fearful that I might get hurt. Guys, all of my inner most being wants to be a mom. And at the same time, my heart and soul are crying out that "God is still God no matter what". God is still good, no matter what. God is still in control, no matter what. And God is still love, no matter what.
This past week, I've really been thinking about who God is. There are core beliefs out there that if you have enough faith, only good things will happen to you...believe away all bad things because God is not in the bad things. There are also core beliefs that only bad things should happen in life because God is really showing you there's a plan...like when the good times happen, don't get too excited because God is going to show you His plan in something devastating. I don't like either of these core beliefs because I don't think it shows who God is. God is a loving father who delights in providing for us...and because this world isn't how it was created to be, hard times are gonna be here...but He does not smile at our pain, He hurts with us...and He stays with us...and He shows us His love and His desire to make all things new. He provides the light in a situation that seems really dark. And through both the good and the bad times, He is faithful and doesn't look away from us for even a second. He's attentive to what's going on in our lives and wants so badly to show us who He is.
So where does this leave me? I'm here...desperately begging for the Lord to give me His peace. I'm forcing myself to look back and see how He has provided and how He has changed my heart throughout this process. I'm speaking against the fear and anxiety of "what if" and I'm writing down here for everyone to read: I want His name to be glorified in this process. Whether is a green "go ahead" light in the last home study or it's a yellow "on hold" light. I want you to know that I know He is good. He is good no matter what. And I don't believe He makes mistakes.
Please pray for me, and for Mike today and this coming week. I will let you all know when I know something...but please remember...I want to glorify Him. I want His power and His love to be seen. Love you all. <3
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