Another year.

Okay so I haven't been the best (or good at all, haha) at continuing to update in here. Let's fix that now. 

I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay. 

I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel". 

"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel. 

This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year. 

So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.

Thanksgiving and Ornaments

It's just 7am on Thanksgiving - just me and the fireplace this morning! I was looking forward to sleeping in, but my mind had another idea. It's been about a month since I wrote to you last, so I'll fix that while everyone else sleeps in. ;-) 

We had our first home study on November 2nd. It was a lot different that the international home studies. Our social worker came over and went over all the paperwork with us. Instead of being interviewed, this time we get to just fill out papers. (Not complaining at all about that!) She gave us the dates of PRIDE training in January and we just chatted a little. We are all signed up for fingerprinting next week and we'll get all the paperwork filled out before our PRIDE classes. After that, we'll work with our social worker on what needs to be done in our home so that it's up to state regulations. Very methodical steps that I am very thankful for after the ups and downs of these past few years. 

As I was putting our tree up (yes, it's up before Thanksgiving), I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. Actually, someones were missing. I felt the loss of our children. When you start the adoption process, you picture yourself with that child...you start to love them, pray for them, and dream about what life will be like when you're all together. It doesn't make sense to everyone, "How can you miss a child you never knew"...but isn't that what adoption is? You love someone you never met - you pursue the path it takes to be with them. When we were told about Russia, we lost a child. When we were told about Ethiopia, we lost another child. We have also experienced a miscarriage since we've been married. Three little lives that deeply touched ours. And I've come to realize, that I can't just pretend those children don't exist. They do exist. So, Mike and I have decided to get our "angel children" little ornaments for our Christmas tree. Christmas is my favorite time of the year (that's why I am fine with it starting in October and ending in January) and I can think of no better way to honor our children's lives than to celebrate them on our Christmas tree. Not in a "forever mourning" way, but in a celebratory way that shows that we will never forget them and continue to pray for them. I've claimed their salvation, praying that the Lord marks their hearts and souls for Him and I can't wait until Heaven when we'll finally get to see those sweet faces. 

I also felt the loss of our future children...missing them and praying for their safety and that they feel the presence of God in their little lives, even if they don't know it. As I was telling a co-worker about the Christmas ornaments, she gave me the idea of also buying ornaments for our future children - and then when they are finally home, they will already have something to put on our tree. Something that claims a spot for them now. I cannot wait...our future is full of Hope because we believe He works all things for His good. 

I know it's Thanksgiving morning and all I've really talked about is Christmas ornaments. But, I'll wrap it all up in a nice Thanksgiving ending...I am so thankful. I am thankful that I know the Lord. I cannot fathom living this life without His Hope and His Joy and His never ending Love.  He is why my heart beats and the reason I wake up in the morning. He is the One who died for my heart and the One who wins in the end. And He loves you. Don't go through these days without Him, I promise you it's not worth it. I am thankful for my marriage - marriage is not always easy and it's not always fun, but I'm so thankful for a man who has fought with me to keep it going and that I can call him my best friend. I'm thankful for who Mike is and for how he not only loves me, but how he has and does love our children (all of them!). I'm thankful for family and friends who love us and who are walking this path with us - people who take time to listen and to be involved with what's going on with us. I'm thankful for those of you who are praying for our children along with us. When you adopt, you come across a lot of opinions and "advice" from people who really have no desire to invest anything into you. It's really hard and it can be annoying and actually, it can be very hurtful. So, I never want to take for granted those people who are in the trenches with us the best they can be. I'm thankful for my amazing job and my co-workers. I'm thankful for Mike's job. I'm thankful for our home, our cars, and our little camper...we have been blessing in such abundance and I don't want to overlook any of it. We have lights and heat and blankets and food in the fridge. We have the knowledge that He is always there. I am so thankful. 

See? I ended it on a Thanksgiving note. ;-) Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends...

O Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is a great God, And a great King above all gods, In whose hand are the depths of the earth; The peaks of the mountains are His also. The sea is His, for it was He who made it; And His hands formed the dry land. Come, let us worship and bow down; Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker.

Psalm 95:1-6

November 2nd!

Okay, so our first home study is November 2nd. We have turned in our legal paper work, we're waiting to hear when we can go get finger printed, and we're waiting on the dates for PRIDE training...so, lots of details in a short phrase: we're rolling, people! 

It is exciting that we're moving on things. After the processes that we've been through, it's encouraging to have things go so fast. BUT, that does not mean that I haven't had my moments/days/maybe an entire weekend of doubt and anxiety and questioning. My latest struggle has been "God, I feel like I'm finally at a point where I'm okay...please don't let it hurt again". (Note to all: "What to Expect when You're Expecting" has an Ethiopian adoption story line and I sobbed...like headache, hiccups, ugliness type of crying. It was not pretty.) I'm still healing...and I'm so tentative to start this process again because of that. It's so scary, guys...faith is scary. Stepping out and following what we feel called to is scary. And it takes a lot of prayers of "God please just take this fear". So if you guys think about, please say a pray for us with that. I think I'm struggling more with it than Mike is, but me and my emotions are probably enough for him, haha. 

I've been sitting here for probably 10 minutes, trying to figure out if there is anything else to share tonight...I feel like this post should be a lot longer since I haven't updated in awhile. But, I think I need to leave it at what I have down. It's what's most prevalent on my heart right now and what I feel like I need to ask for prayer for...prayer for joy in this, prayer for peace, and faith, and against all things that are not of God - like fear and anxiety. 

I can't believe you're all still walking this journey with us...it's been a long time. Thank you for not forgetting about us and for not leaving us. We're real thankful for you. You're our "village" and our travel companions. You guys rock. :-) 

We're still here

Hi Friends...how are you? It's been over a month and I've had a few people ask in this last week or so about where we are in our new process. (And thank you for asking...for walking with us...and for not forgetting us. Please don't ever apologize for asking.) 

Our vacation was amazing...it was a week spent camping RIGHT on the beach, waking up and falling asleep to the sound of the water is incredibly soothing and healing. The Lord really worked on continuing to heal my heart and to speak to my soul in a way that was even more soothing than the waves each day. He brought this passage to my mind: (this is the NLT version)

"God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 

 God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.

God blesses those who are humble,
    for they will inherit the whole earth. 

 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
    for they will be satisfied.

God blesses those who are merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
    for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,
    for they will be called the children of God.

God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

(Matthew 5: 3-10) 

This passage says that those who mourn are shown comfort...the Lord says it's okay to mourn, to take time, to realize that you're upset and hurt and confused...and it says that comfort WILL come. It also says I will realize my need for Him....that I will see God...and that I am a child of the Lord. And isn't that was life is really all about? It is. And I'm thankful for that.

Mike and I have continued to pray and to seek His guidance, and we still feel that we're asked to travel the road of adoption through the foster care system. We have both had our medical exams and we are ready to pick up our application. 

We are also scared. I just told someone last week that I'm all done with making a list of "this, then this, then this...". I'm tired of planning and assuming and being way wrong. So, the only thing on my list is "pick up the application". After that, we'll see what is the next step. (Anyone else remembering the scene in "What About Bob?" when Bob gets the baby steps book? "Baby steps to the door. Baby steps to the elevator". I love that movie.)

Okay, back to the topic at hand. We're taking the "Baby Steps" right now, and while taking those little steps we are asking God to move in BIG ways. Knowing, as we have always known and as we have seen, that it's in the Lords hands. He knows the faces of our children and He knows their stories. And in a situation like adoption when parental rights have been taken away by the state, the fact that the Lord has our children in His hands is what I hold to. (I might write more about that later...it's something I give to the Lord on a daily basis). 

Please don't stop praying for us. As soon as I pick up the application, I will let you all know and we'll continue on our "baby steps" process and excepting big moves from our God. We love you. 

Restoration

It's been awhile since I updated here - sorry. I normally find myself wanting and needing to talk and get all my feelings out there to the world (aka, you) but, these last few months were different for me.

Mike and I attended the orientation/information/first required meeting for our agency about a month ago. It was 3 hours long and full of info...and it was extraordinarily overwhelming to me. I had a minor freak out after it, scared that we didn't have what it takes. And I just found myself tired. Not the sleepy "I need a nap" kind of tired, but my soul was tired. Starting over again...again...was not just discouraging to me, but it was exhausting. I was tired of being hopeful, of looking for "the next step", of telling people what stage we were in for the adoption process. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It's not that I wasn't still dreaming of being a family of more than Mike and I, it's just that my soul was dry...empty...tired. And I didn't feel like I could do it all again. The idea of another application/home study/wait process was too much for me.

I thought about pushing through all of this and just going ahead with the application and "get the ball rolling", but then I decided to let myself be tired. To let myself feel the weight and reality of what we've been through. To let myself be comforted by the Lord as He started to fill my soul again. After talking through all these feelings with Mike, I realized that he knew what I was talking about. We decided to wait until after our vacation to start the application process. This gave me permission to just relax and not be focusing on "the next step"...because "the next step" for me...for us...was to rest. 

This has been amazing for me, and for Mike and I, and I'm so thankful for it. We had more time to mourn and to really accept that the path we thought we were on looks different than what we had pictured. It has given us time to talk about what we want our family to look like and pray about this "new to us" path that we're now on. It's been a time of restoration for my soul. 

I got a text from friend this week that has this quote in it: 

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

 (Chambers)

This quote perfectly fit what I felt. I love that God works through friends and through text and at the perfect time. 

Our vacation is coming up soon and then after that, we will see what needs to be done with our application. But, until then, I am letting the past sleep in His hands...because He loves us. And when we take the next step, we'll be holding those same hands...because He loves us. And I want to let myself soak that in. 

"He restores my soul..." 

(Psalm 23:3)

Father's Day

To our sweet little person, 
Today is Father's Day - a day that we recoginize the fathers and father figures in our lives. Let me tell you a little bit about your Daddy. 

Your Daddy loves you. I know sometimes love for a child in shown more between a mom and the child, but your Daddy loves you so much. He has quietly waited alongside of me all these years, as we traveled this path to get to you.  He has prayed for you. He has dreamed about things you and he will do together. He is already teasing me that you and he will play jokes on me. Never once has he faltered in his dedication to being a family. 

Most men can father a child - but it takes a strong, loving, kind, and Godly man to be the kind of dad  that I know you will have when we become a family. You and he will have struggles and you will knock heads on different things, but that will be because he wants the best for you. He wants you to make good choices and to be brave and to love Jesus. He wants you to be able to laugh and to enjoy life - don't take everything so seriously that there is no room for joy. 

He will make mistakes and he won't be perfect - but he will never stop loving you. I can see it in his eyes today: he can't wait to meet you and to start our life as a family. And I can't wait to see him in the role of "Daddy". 

We love you so much, little person. We dream about you and we pray for you. Goodnight, precious little soul. 

Okay, here's our June 1st answer!

As of last night, we have told our parents the path we feel called to walk, so we can safely put it online. :-) We are planning on adopting a child through the foster care system! It's been nothing short of a crazy ride so I'll walk you all through our last month and a half...

One of the most difficult things about choosing an adoption avenue is that there is no wrong choice. Anyway we could adopt was a great way. But, that did not mean it was the way that the Lord had for our family. Being that last time, we felt that He was leading overseas for adoption, we got information on different international countries. We talked to different agencies. But, nothing felt "just right". So we looked at domestic infant adoption, but still didn't have the peace that we knew was possible. I got frustrated and scared and cried tears of mourning and tears of anger. (And looking back on it, I think those tears were a part of the grieving process for me. Grieving the loss of a dream...the loss of now two children that I knew and loved in my heart, but never in my arms.) I told the Lord "God, we're willing and we're ready - just point us in the direction you want us to go." but I didn't see writing on the wall or have any dreams. There was only silence for awhile.

About two weeks before June 1st, I started feeling a "nudge" in my soul. It was nudging me to look into foster care. I didn't not want this "nudge". It irritated me. Foster care adoption was how I wanted to grow my family since I was 17 (I will share that story later, it's worth it's own posting). I thought it was a little "rude" of God, if I'm being honest, because I was willing to do that when we started this! Why take us to two different countries when we'd end up right back here?? And I decided to not share it with Mike right away because I didn't believe it was real. All the while, I'm still praying for the Lord to point us in the right direction. (Yeah, I know - apparently I'm not a fast learner. Thank goodness for grace!!)

The Friday of Memorial Day weekend, Mike and I had the afternoon off of work and decided to kick off our weekend by going out to lunch. This "nudge" was quickly becoming a "shove" and so, on the way to lunch, I just blurted it out: "I think God wants us to adopt from foster care" and waited for his response. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but his answer of "yeah me too", was NOT it. So, in the next 3 minutes that it took us to get to where we were eating at, we had our answer. There wasn't a whole lot of discussion about it, actually...just peace and excitement. Just the way we knew it should be.

We've been talking with a few agencies since then and this past week have decided which one we think we're supposed to work with. We'll attend one of the orientation meetings and get the process started. We are so excited, guys. 

Last night, we were sitting outside, just enjoying the night, and I was just thinking about where we were this time last year. We were about to have our final home study and I was a nervous wreck. I was worried about pretty much everything and the Lord brought us through it. I don't know all of the reasons why we've walked through what we have in this journey, but I can tell you - without the slightest doubt in my mind - that I have seen miracles in our journey. I have seen Him provide, and I have seen Him work, I have felt His peace and His joy, I have been in darkness but with the knowledge that I'm not alone there. I have no reason to believe that it was an accident. I believe fully we have walked what we should have and that the two precious souls we have prayed for, exist. I'm thankful for these wild, wild years we've had and even though I'm still cautious at times, I know He has a plan. I refuse to not dream and hope for the future. 

So there's our news, friends...our amazing and exciting news!!! Our news that is worthy of celebration and of endless praises to Him. As we start this new path, we ask that you continue to pray for us. And we ask that you pray for our child. Pray for protection for them, for the gentle spirit of the Lord to be with them wherever they are.

We have been so humbled and are so thankful for all the support we've been shown. Your calls, texts, emails, talks, hugs, and prayers have been incredible. I know that your prayers are what got us through some of our hard moments. Thank you for walking with us, for praying for and with us, for crying with us, and for hoping with us. You have been vital to our journey and we love you for that. So, here we go...may the Lord be glorified in our journey.