What is true.

I think if I ever write a book about our adoption journey, I'm going to have to do a spin off of "Mr Toads Wild Ride" as a title because that's what life feels like to me sometimes. 

I didn't write to you at all in February, but since it was a short month, let's say that was the reason and not the actual truth which is: I'm kinda riding the struggle bus lately. And I am well aware that I am buying my own ticket and putting myself on the bus, but I've definitely been a passenger this last month. 

Here's another truth for you: on my voyages riding the bus, I have realized that God is faithful. All. The. Time. Even when I would actually prefer Him not to be. He is there in the morning, He is there when I'm going throughout my day, and He is there awhile I sleep. Which means, He knows what's going on and He is in control. He is faithful when I would rather prefer to believe that He has forgotten about me. I would rather believe that He wants me to take the reigns and take the path that I think would be easiest. I find myself annoyed sometimes at His plan and I feel frustrated that I know what is true and what is right. 

While I'm at it, let's just keep going with this "truth" thing...I believe that God is in control of this journey and what I have been struggling with lately is the nagging voice in my head and in my heart that is saying "you're never going to get what you dreamed of" because that voice is trying to get me to take my eyes off of Him and focus on "what I won't have". It is trying to move my center. 

I'm not trying to be vague here or dramatic. This is just what I'm going through right now and I don't want to ignore it. We are still on our journey and we still believe that this is where we should be. We have had chances lately to change our path, but we just don't have peace about it. It's kinda frustrating, to be honest. But, I have to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him. Yes, we know other ways might be faster. Yes, we know there are children all over the world and right here that need families. Yes, we wish it would go faster. Yes, this is hard. But He hasn't forgotten us...He knows my name. He knows my heart, He is the one who's keeps it beating. He knows what I dream of and what my heart aches for, He gave me the ability to dream and to love. He knows. He actually sits next to me on the bus and asks me if He can help me get down the step to the sidewalk again. He is faithful. All. The. Time. And I want to be faithful to Him and what He is calling me too. I want His fingerprints to be evident on all things. 

So, here's to Monday and to our journey and to returning this ticket to struggle bus. I want to walk. 

So, here's where are...still...

Here's the thing: we personally haven't done anything for our adoption since my last post. Nothing. Not one thing. Zero things. Our village (that's you) has still been amazing. You have continued to ask, and to pray, and to give, and to support. But, Mike and I have been struggling.

It's not that we are purposefully neglecting our paperwork, it's that it seems like every time we think we're going to have time to sit down and check off some boxes, something really big comes up. And it's driving me crazy. I've always been really honest with you guys with my lack of patience and my constant struggle to not jump ahead of the leader...so you should not be shocked with the fact that I'm so frustrated with this "pause".

On our way to the church Mike was teaching at last night, I was sharing my frustration with him how we don't seem to have the time I had hoped we would have and how we're not as far into this paperwork process as I wanted to be. He validated my feelings...but then he brought it all back to where it should be. He said  "God doesn't promise things to us on our time, He has His own time...look at Abraham, it took 20 years for him to fulfill His promise". Gah...right in the realness. 

Then, as I was messaging with a sweet friend, she shared something from her life with me... and she used the words "finding peace with God, without putting stipulations on the relationship with Him." and, again, it was like a poke right to the heart...right into the "knows". I totally have been putting stipulations on my relationship with the Lord in this. Ugh...let the humbling begin...

I realized that I had let myself come to a place where I just assumed that the Lord could put our lives on "auto pilot" so we could get this stuff done. I assumed since this part was so time consuming, He would let us "skate by" for awhile.  "God, I'm doing what you want, now please just hold the phone for a second". Not really a Biblical idea...nor is it what happened. Nor should it have, honestly. God never says "come follow me, and I'll make it super easy for you." But, He says "Come follow me, and I'll walk with you...I'm never going to leave you." When did my heart decide it was okay to forget that?

The things that have come up in our lives, are big things. They are things that have forced us to put our full attention on Him, to trust Him, to watch Him work in all areas, and we have been amazed. And, I realized, I was being a little (okay, maybe a lot) selfish in my refusal to acknowledge it all and only focus on what I wanted to be doing. I was loosing sight of what God does daily and every minute...and of how He not only provides for us as adoptive parents, but He provides for us as His children. And I'm thankful...

So there's where we are...still...but it's where we are and I'm actually thankful for it now. Because He is gracious...and He is loving... and He is forgiving...and He is in control.

Here's my prayer request for our village (again, that's you haha): I'd love to be able to start working on our paperwork...but I want to make sure that my heart and mind stay focused on what (actually, Who) it should be on. So please pray that we have time to get some stuff done but pray that we are able to keep our hearts thankful for what we have been given. I don't want this to become "another thing to get done"...I want to keep a heart of gratitude and a heart that is seeking Him and what He wants.

Thanks for being there for me, Village and for surrounding us like you have. Thanks K for sharing your heart with me, the Lord used your honesty to speak to my heart. And thanks, Mikey...for reminding me of what's true.

Adoption drum-roll please...!

I don't know how to type the sound of a drum-roll..."bbbrrrrrrr..."? That just sounds like I'm trying to type out the sound of being cold. I can't figure out the proper drum-roll sound.

Anyway. Drum-roll please......because of you and the matching grant, we have the amount of money that we need to pay when we turn in our Dossier! AND the money we are saving now is the money that is due when we accept the referral of our child!! After that amount, we start saving for the trips to Ethiopia (4 round trip plane tickets to Africa is no joke!) and the final amount that is due at the end of our adoption process. You guys...this is happening and I'm so excited and I'm so amazed and I'm so thankful.

You all know how much I've let the cost of international adoption worry me. It's a very significant amount of money that I didn't see how we would be able to pay by ourselves, but the Lord said to me in the beginning: "watch me work" and I have and I'm amazed. And we haven't had to do it by ourselves...none of this journey has been walked alone. He has provided you! He has used all of you, friends, and your willingness to give and to help and to pray and to walk with us. So, thank you. Your kindness has shown me Jesus.

Everything that's happened in this adoption process has been wild to me and nothing I ever expected. But, what I think amazes me the most (and something I am so thankful for) is the friendships that I have made and that have been able to grow through it. I sit here at the computer and sometimes just throw my emotions on the screen, and sometimes wonder if any of it makes sense...or if I'm driving you guys crazy with my "happy/sad peaceful/freaked out" see-saw of words and posts. When people tell me "oh I read your blog" I almost feel like I should apologize because sometimes all I see on the screen is a hot mess of emotions. And I feel like I should have a significant update about our adoption process every time I write. I feel like I might be boring with all my "up and downs". But, those emotions are real to me and what I'm going through, and the willingness of you guys to stick with me just makes my heart feel so...cozy (for lack of a word that fully describes it!). 

I've been reading a book about the Amish community (haha, don't judge) and while I could not see myself as ever being able to be Amish (it would make blogging and Instragramming a little difficult), I love the way that they surround those in their community and help when needed. It reminds me of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child". You guys have been my village...you have been my community in this. Please don't stop.

So there is our latest update. It's so exciting, guys...so exciting and so wonderful. To God be the glory.

Merry and Bright.

I'm writing to you from my most favorite spot in the house - in front of the fireplace and my little tree and from here, I can see the reflection of our Christmas tree and some other lights, as well. Bing Crosby is playing in the background and my mug is full of coffee. Christmas is, by far, the coziest and prettiest holiday there is.

This won't be a long post, we just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us. Thank you for praying for us, for listening and encouraging when it's hard, for being patient with me when my emotions are all over the place (adoption hormones are a real thing, man!), thank you for rejoicing with us, thank you for being excited with us, thank you for being so generous, thank you for loving all (three!) of us. Our prayer is that this next year is filled with eager anticipation, filled with joy, filled with peace...continuing to show how loving and mighty our Lord is as we continue to be amazed by Him as He continues to provide and guide us. I used "continue" a lot there, and I'm sure "real" writers hate that but I think it's appropriate....remembrance leads to worship. (Thanks to Matt Redmond for that one!) O, come let us adore Him...

So Merry Christmas to you! May your celebrations be merry and bright... 

 

Feels.

This post has been on my heart for months now and I've been dreading it and anticipating it at the same time. I want you to read this and be able to see my heart in the words I write - as each word and sentance have been prayed over. 

To my friends and family, I love you. Each of your lives and our interactions had had an effect on me and has shaped the way I live and how I see things. Most of the time,  I'm vocal about what I'm thinking and feeling, but sometimes I'm just listening and watching as you interact with other people. 

Not all adoptive families are conspicuous. Sometimes the hair, eyes, build, and skin can look very similar. This won't be the case for our family - we will be noticeable. Our child isnt going to look like us. Our child is African. Our child will look different than his parents, his aunts, his uncle, and his grandparents. 

I consider you all to be walking this journey with us and this is why I want to share my heart...I need to share my heart, I don't even think "want" is the correct word. So here are my deepest thoughts and prayers right now: 

- I love my child so much that I cannot fully explain it. I am amazed by them and their bravery already. Before they even come into our home, they will have gone through so much more grief and loss than most of us will ever have to experience. That tiny human is incredible.

- I feel so sad that not everyone will feel that way about my babe. Some people are going to look at their skin and decide to be hateful. 

- I feel upset when I am told things like "well your baby won't really be black, they will be African" because that statement is full of hate and ignorance. Would they hate my child of we adopted domestically? What if they saw my child walking down the street and didn't recognize them? Would my child be in danger? Why does it matter where my child is born? Why  is  it okay to say comments like that?

- I feel angry when I hear friends and family talk about other races and then groups the entirety of that race into one lump and make blanket statements. People are responsible for their own actions. What group are you going to lump my child into? 

- I feel so heartbroken when I hear Christians talk with hate in their words that don't even know is there because it is so engrained and never confronted. We are no better than anyone else...we are pond scum people, lower than that! We are destined and deserve Hell and the only reason we don't get what we deserve is because of Jesus. Christ died for all of us...not one race, not one denomination, not one culture. He didn't die more for those who we think are different. Your sin is disgusting to Him, and you have been saved. When did we forget that and decide to live like  we deserve Heaven? Are you going to stand up for injustice and hatred when my child is there? Can you start now? 

- I feel hopeful and thankful when I see and hear people desiring peace. It gives me courage to do the same. Not because of our child, but because it's the right thing to do. I want to know that there are other people out there who feel the same and who I can join hands with and show love to others with. I don't want to fight and to exchange angry words...I want to show people that Jesus already won and we're in this together. I want to show my child that the best (not easiest) way to face hatred is with the desire to show God's love. Standing up for what you believe in isn't easy, especially when you want to seek peace, not just win. But, it's what we are called to do. 

- I feel thankful that God is full of grace and mercy. Because I am not innocent of being  judgemental and angry. I am thankful that He reminds me to love Him with all my heart and my soul and my strength and then reminds me that I'm to love my neighbor as myself. Think about that for a second. I think I'm pretty great most of the time (not so much humble though!!) and I'm called to love my neighbor like I love myself. 

It's not possible to write this without crying...my heart aches for a world who is also hurting. I love you all, and I trust you with these "feels" because I know that each of us, as humans, have the ability to love one another. 

I don't just want to post this and consider my job "done" - I want to love the unlovable and share with them my reason for believing the peace of God can overcome human hate. I want to stand for peace in the name of Jesus. I want to stand next to you and show love. I want to be thankful for what I have and not be blind to what's going on around me. I want you to know Him and I want nothing more than for Him to be seen through me.

Stuff and things!

I want to make sure that I get all our LifeSong stuff onto the blog! Our account is officially up and running. Our family name/account number is "VanDrie 4938".  To donate by mail, send a check (with our family name/account number on the bottom) to: 

LifeSong for Orphans

      PO Box 40

      Gridley, IL 61744

To give online, go here. Select "Give to an Adoptive Family" (which is below the "make a donation" button you will first see), then complete the online form with family account number and family name. (Online is through PayPal). I will have a PayPal button set up for the side of the blog that will link directly in a week or so (I have to have LifeSong set that up for me). All donates over $50 are sent a tax receipt so it can be tax deductible.

Not only is our tax deductible account up and running, but our friend Becky is holding a fundraiser for us! She owns her own Norwex business and has set up a Norwex fundraiser for us that goes until the new year! All you have to do is go to this link: Norwex Fundraiser and place an order. No party name needed...Becky is giving all the profits of any orders that come in during this time to us. So generous and we are SO grateful.

AND I wanted to also record it on here that Mike and I are being given a matching grant from our church (up to $3,000) to our LifeSong account. Such a blessing and we are so thankful. The money that is in our LifeSong account stays safe for us to use whenever we need it in this process, right up to the plane tickets for our trips to Ethiopia. (Eeee!! LOVE thinking about those trips!!) Our adoption total will probably be around $34,000...this includes what we have already paid for our first payments with the homestudies and the airline tickets for the trips. Our next amount is due when we submit our dossier (which we are working on now). So amazed (not surprised, but amazed and filled with awe) at all the details that are working out and how the timing is so perfect. Our prayers that it all be set up and going before the end of the year have been answered and we are on our way to our last step before placement! Can you even believe that?? We are beyond blessed guys.

Thank you for your support, your prayers, your participation, your love, your willingness to help and your desire to be a part of this journey. 

The update I wanted to do Tuesday!

Okay, so first the random things:
- I wanted to write this entry on Tuesday after I posted on Facebook but didn't have the time. It's been swirling around my head since then!
- I'm convinced that grey (gray?) is the most comfortable color there is and my entire outfit right now is grey (Gray? Seriously, how do you spell that?) The comfort level of it completely trumps the fact that it's not the most fashionable thing I've ever worn. 
- Christmas stuff goes up this weekend and I'm currently listening to the Canadian Brass Holiday channel on Pandora. I could listen to this stuff all day...that and Josh Groban. But let's be honest about it, I could listen to any Christmas music and be so happy about it.

Alright, now that that is out of the way! On to the update! Two entries ago, I had asked if you would pray that our LifeSong account would be processed before the end of the year. We had just sent it all in and knew it would probably take 8 weeks before we heard anything from them.

Tuesday morning, around 5am, I woke up worrying. I was worrying about our LifeSong account and the dark voices in my head were trying to get me to travel down the path of "what if". I forced myself to rebuke those voices and was able to go back to sleep with the knowledge that worrying at 5am (and actually worrying about it at all) wasn't going to do any good, and that I knew God had promised me that our whole adoption process is in His hands. The fact that I was able to go back to sleep was, in itself, a bit of a miracle. God is loving. 

After being able to get a few more hours of sleep, I woke up and actually didn't think about LifeSong at all - until I got a phone call from them. As I listened to the message she left for me, asking that I call her back so we could discuss some things, I got that sick-cold feeling in my stomach...it's like when someone says "we need to talk". I don't like to admit that, I'd love to tell you that I heard her message and thought immediately "I'm so full of peace and joy", but that would be a lie. I was nervous because it hadn't been 8 weeks and I just got worried and let myself think about the worse case scenario. 

So I called her back and she answered right away. She introduced herself and asked me how everything was going. I told her it was good, the process is slow, but that we were hoping our LifeSong account was able to be set up this year because we have a donor who would like to claim it on this years taxes as a deduction. Now, I don't know the whole purpose of the call, but it sounded to me like the call was just to get to know us a little better and talk about our application. But, this beautiful hearted woman said "Oh! I can understand that! I don't normally do this, but when we get off the phone, I'll walk down to the other office and make sure your account is set up today so you can make sure that donation get in this year!" You guys, I could have cried. I think I thanked her about 20 times. 

As our conversation went on, she asked me about where we lived and what church we went too. I told her, and she told me that Holland is one of her favorite vacation spots - she and her husband visit often - LifeSong isn't out of Michigan. (I told her to save my number and to call me when she comes in next time, that she and her husband were invited to dinner. I totally meant it too and really hope she does!!)  She also told me that her daughter-in-law was from the same area that I grew up in. So many little connections! 

So many little connections that I could easily say "well it's a small world" and gloss over, but these little details are SO precious to me. Little details, to me, show how intimately the Lord loves us. How He knows me and my life and that I like to make connections with people. It also shows me how important our child's life is.

I have known all along that our child's life will touch other peoples lives. I know our child is special...I know that the Lord has a greater plan for them that I could only imagine. I know our child is His child. I know that our child's life is already changing mine and the lives of those around our family. I know that He promised His glory to be seen...and it has been, it is, and it will be. 

I don't want to gloss over this acceptance to LifeSong...I don't want to not notice the little blessings in letting me connect with that lady. I don't want to forget the peace and ability to go back to sleep and not worry. I don't want to not acknowledge that it wasn't 8 weeks before we heard back. I don't want to just "check this off the list" and not stop to breath in deep the goodness of God. I think we can get too busy in life...and miss the miracles that are happening around us everyday. I don't want to not thank the Lord that people want to give to our adoption. So many blessings all around me...I want to stop and take them all in. I don't want this to just become another "thing we do for our adoption".

This last weekend, Mike and I went up to my aunt and uncles hunting cabin for opening weekend of gun hunting. It was so beautiful this time of year...about a foot of snow, and one night a sky full of stars. If it wasn't snowy and super cold, I would have laid there for hours just watching the stars. I realized that each of those stars are there for a reason...He knows each star. He designed each snowflake on the ground. So much precision and detail goes into stars and snowflakes...and those weren't created in His image - we were. Our journey is like a perfect tiny snowflake...so intricately designed.

Thank you for your prayers - you are all also playing such a beautiful and important role in this. And Mike will be setting up a link for the tax delectable link on here. I love to write and tell our story, but the technology aspect of this blog is all him!!

I don't know that I will update again before Thanksgiving, so just in case that I don't please know that Mike and I both consider you someone that we are thankful for this year. We are thankful for this journey and we are thankful for our babe. Have a good Thanksgiving, friends - we love you.