Feels.

This post has been on my heart for months now and I've been dreading it and anticipating it at the same time. I want you to read this and be able to see my heart in the words I write - as each word and sentance have been prayed over. 

To my friends and family, I love you. Each of your lives and our interactions had had an effect on me and has shaped the way I live and how I see things. Most of the time,  I'm vocal about what I'm thinking and feeling, but sometimes I'm just listening and watching as you interact with other people. 

Not all adoptive families are conspicuous. Sometimes the hair, eyes, build, and skin can look very similar. This won't be the case for our family - we will be noticeable. Our child isnt going to look like us. Our child is African. Our child will look different than his parents, his aunts, his uncle, and his grandparents. 

I consider you all to be walking this journey with us and this is why I want to share my heart...I need to share my heart, I don't even think "want" is the correct word. So here are my deepest thoughts and prayers right now: 

- I love my child so much that I cannot fully explain it. I am amazed by them and their bravery already. Before they even come into our home, they will have gone through so much more grief and loss than most of us will ever have to experience. That tiny human is incredible.

- I feel so sad that not everyone will feel that way about my babe. Some people are going to look at their skin and decide to be hateful. 

- I feel upset when I am told things like "well your baby won't really be black, they will be African" because that statement is full of hate and ignorance. Would they hate my child of we adopted domestically? What if they saw my child walking down the street and didn't recognize them? Would my child be in danger? Why does it matter where my child is born? Why  is  it okay to say comments like that?

- I feel angry when I hear friends and family talk about other races and then groups the entirety of that race into one lump and make blanket statements. People are responsible for their own actions. What group are you going to lump my child into? 

- I feel so heartbroken when I hear Christians talk with hate in their words that don't even know is there because it is so engrained and never confronted. We are no better than anyone else...we are pond scum people, lower than that! We are destined and deserve Hell and the only reason we don't get what we deserve is because of Jesus. Christ died for all of us...not one race, not one denomination, not one culture. He didn't die more for those who we think are different. Your sin is disgusting to Him, and you have been saved. When did we forget that and decide to live like  we deserve Heaven? Are you going to stand up for injustice and hatred when my child is there? Can you start now? 

- I feel hopeful and thankful when I see and hear people desiring peace. It gives me courage to do the same. Not because of our child, but because it's the right thing to do. I want to know that there are other people out there who feel the same and who I can join hands with and show love to others with. I don't want to fight and to exchange angry words...I want to show people that Jesus already won and we're in this together. I want to show my child that the best (not easiest) way to face hatred is with the desire to show God's love. Standing up for what you believe in isn't easy, especially when you want to seek peace, not just win. But, it's what we are called to do. 

- I feel thankful that God is full of grace and mercy. Because I am not innocent of being  judgemental and angry. I am thankful that He reminds me to love Him with all my heart and my soul and my strength and then reminds me that I'm to love my neighbor as myself. Think about that for a second. I think I'm pretty great most of the time (not so much humble though!!) and I'm called to love my neighbor like I love myself. 

It's not possible to write this without crying...my heart aches for a world who is also hurting. I love you all, and I trust you with these "feels" because I know that each of us, as humans, have the ability to love one another. 

I don't just want to post this and consider my job "done" - I want to love the unlovable and share with them my reason for believing the peace of God can overcome human hate. I want to stand for peace in the name of Jesus. I want to stand next to you and show love. I want to be thankful for what I have and not be blind to what's going on around me. I want you to know Him and I want nothing more than for Him to be seen through me.