I actually sat down last night to write, and as I stared at the screen I realized that the words just weren't happening. I couldn't type what my heart was feeling. So, after sitting here for about a hour, I turned the computer off.
But, as I went through my day, I was able to think a little more about it and put into thoughts and words what my heart was trying to say. So, stay with me on this one...it hasn't been cooking for that long. ;-)
Sunday is Mother's Day. I like the idea of a day to celebrate mothers and motherhood. A mother isn't just about my Mom for me - it's my mother-in-law, my Gramma, and my aunts. They have all played a different role in my life, and they have all taught me and loved me. I am blessed. I like Mother's Day Day.
What I figured out that I am struggling with is Mother's Day at church.
As I was writing and deleting last night, the phrase that always kept getting typed was "I know I'm not alone in my hurt". I'm not. Mother's Day can be hard on people for many different reasons: they might have lost their mama, they might have a relationship filled with struggle and hurt, they might be a single mom, they might be mourning a loss of a child, they might be living with a mom that isn't the one they were born to and feeling confused/sad/angry about their birth mom, maybe they don't have the option of parenting their children anymore, or (like me) they have been longing for a child. Mother's Day broken hearts are pretty prevalent.
During this journey, I have talked to other women who share the struggle with Mother's Day and most of them have said this: "I don't normally go to church on Mother's Day Sunday - it's just too hard". Yeah, I get that.
I haven't gone to church on Mother's Day in a few years. It's not that I'm boycotting it out of anger or annoyance or jealousy, it's just that I don't feel like there is a place for me that day in the pews of church. I heard a pastor say one Mother's Day morning that "the greatest thing a woman can do with her life is to mother a child." That's hard to hear. I want nothing more than that. But, that's not in my hands. It's not in the hands of a lot of women. Most women don't choose to struggle on Mother's Day - it's a deep wound. A wound that, for most of the year, can be covered. But, Mother's Day at church seems to rip it wide open again. And it's wide open for everyone to see: not standing with the other mothers when the pastor asks them to stand and be appreciated. Having to answer "No, I'm not" when asked if I am a mother to receive a free flower at the door. Or you just lie and stand or accept your flower, but you do so with the ache that it's not true. There are the questions of "why don't you have kids" and the suggestions from others on how to become a parent because "it's the biggest blessing you will ever experience".
Now, (before you get all judgy on me and think I'm bitter or feeling sorry for myself or that I'm being too sensitive) stay with me: Motherhood should be celebrated. I am so excited to be a mom. It is a God-given thing and it is a calling and a mission. I look at my friends who are raising little ones and I am amazed at their selflessness and the deep, never-ending love that they have. I'm not saying that it shouldn't be celebrated. I'm just saying that my eyes have been opened to an underground of women (and some men) that are really hurting on that day.
I think a lot about our children and their first Mother's Day with us. It will be a celebration. But, it's possible that it will be a day of hurt, too. I think about their birth mom. A woman who I will probably not know, but who I will share something so precious with. It's a bittersweet thing.
I'm not looking for sympathy in this - I'm not trying to point fingers - I don't want you to feel guilty for celebrating Mother's Day at church. I guess my point in writing out what's on my heart is to ask you to be gentle with others on Sunday. Be sensitive that the woman sitting down the pew from you might have an empty spot in her heart when it comes to the topic of Motherhood and that it probably wasn't her ideal situation to have that spot.
My friends - my village - I love you. I think what solidified all the thoughts and emotions of this topic and helped me form my words is the knowledge of "I'm not alone in this". I'm sorry if you're struggling this weekend - please know you're not alone. Thank you for walking with us still.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Lord, hear our prayers
I'm a "hands on" girl - I like to do things and not wait. And this time of waiting is hard on me. I can't physically do anything to help our children. As I was telling (okay, maybe it was more like complaining/whining) this to God, He gave me some good, Fatherly advice: Stop complaining and do the thing that is going to make the most difference - Pray. So, Mike and I put together this list - something to pray over our children each day. And I wanted to share it with you all, since you've been so kind as to keep walking this journey with us. Thank you for loving us and our children and for praying with us.
“I
prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of
Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be
given to the Lord.”
(1
Samuel 1:27-28)
“In
Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and
confidence”
(Ephesians
3:12)
Sunday:
Psalm 3: 3-8 “But You are a
shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord, I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill.”
God, You are mighty. We pray that You
protect our children and lift their heads towards You. May they be
guarded from evil and their souls shielded. Thank You for Your
guardianship over our lives. Protect them where they are right now
and may they know they are held by You. Lord, hear our prayer.
Monday:
Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and
courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord
your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Lord, You are always with us. Today, we
pray for resilience for our children. Give them strength and courage
as they go. Do not let their hearts feel discouraged. Be with them in
all situations. Keep them from fear and from feeling alone. Be with
them right now and may they feel your comfort and your peace. Thank
You for Your faithfulness. Lord, hear our prayer.
Tuesday:
Jeremiah
29:12-14 “ 'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek
me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord.”
Jesus, call to the
hearts of our children. May they call upon Your name. May they seek
You. Jesus, may they find You in their hearts. God, it is our
greatest desire and our hope that they live their lives for You. Call
their names to You and may they hear Your voice. May they know You
are near right now.
Lord, hear our
prayer.
Wednesday:
Micah 6:8
“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord
require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly
with your God.”
Isaiah 1:16-17
“Stop doing wrong, learn to do right. Seek justice, encourage the
oppressed. Defend the cause of the orphan, plead the widow's case.”
Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
just as Christ God forgave you.”
God, may our
children walk humbly with You all their lives. Let them stay
tenderhearted towards others in a world that is not. Give them mercy
and love for others in all situations. We pray that they learn to do
right. May they fight for what is right, even if it's unpopular. May
they have boldness. And may they be forgiving. Keep bitterness and
hatred from growing in their lives. Lord, may they see others as You
see them. Lord, hear our prayer.
Thursday:
Psalm 139:13-16
“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully
made;Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was
not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was
woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed
body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before
one of them came to be.”
Father, may our
children know the depth of Your love. May they know how You uniquely
knitted and formed each one of them. May they never think they are an
accident or unwanted. May they know that you have a plan for their
life, for every day of their life. Father, may they know this deep
within themselves, even if no one tells them. Lord, hear our prayer.
Friday:
Romans 15:13
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust
in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit.”
Holy
Spirit, we ask that you fill our children with joy and with peace and
with hope. Lord, hear our prayer.
Saturday:
Ephesians
3:20-21 “Now to Him who is
able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to
His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the
church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations, for ever and
ever. Amen!”
Holy
God, Creator and Sustainer – we thank You for Your power and for
Your love for these children. We pray that You work in ways we can't
begin to fathom or imagine. We thank You for their lives and ask
that their story will tell others about Your goodness. We pray that
You do more than we can ever imagine. Protect them physically.
Protect them mentally. Protect them emotionally. And most of all
protect them spiritually. To us, this is beyond what we can imagine.
Through this all may You receive all glory and honor, for generations
to come. Lord, hear our prayer!!!
“I
pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power
through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christmas may dwell
in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and
established in love, may have the power, together with all the
saints, to grasp how wide and love and high and deep is the love of
Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you
may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
(Ephesians
3:16-19)
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wishin' and Waitin'
Author's Note: My first entry on this blog was April 28, 2012. That's almost 4 years. And that wasn't even the start of this journey...that was just the first time I wrote about it. That's a long time. Even though our journey has not taken the path that I thought it would, I'm so glad that I continued to write about it. As I re-read about the twists and the turns, I can feel all those emotions again. One day, maybe our children will want to read this...a love story about all of us and God. He's the only thing that has stayed the same and that is amazing. He's so faithful.
So, our case worker has submitted our home study to Lansing and now we're just waiting. Once the license is issued, we start the process of waiting for a placement. A PLACEMENT. Can you even believe it? I can't. I'm praying that this year is my last Mother's Day with empty arms. I'm praying so many things and dreaming so many things...
Different people tell us different things about how long the wait should be (and everyone knows someone who had a different experience), but we have been told by our agency that we should expect 1-2 months. The pessimistic side of me is fighting to be heard and main streamed..."don't get your hopes up - something going as planned as not played a role in this story". BUT, I'm doing my best to shut that dark and grumpy side of me up. Because that is not where hope lies...and I want to be on the side of hope. So, if you see us or if we talk, please remember that...like I said earlier, everyone knows someone who has done this and, as people try to relate to us, we hear a lot (A LOT) of horror stories about foster care and waiting and adoption. I know we all know someone who has had a bad experience with one thing or another...but please don't share that with us. Tell us positive stories. Tell us you're praying for us. Pray with us (doesn't matter where we are, I'm always down for praying). Give us (okay maybe just me) a hug. Tell us you can't wait to meet our children. We are celebrating where we are and we're so excited and we're so thankful. And we are enjoying right now. But, we know the hard part isn't done...it actually hasn't even started. Help us stay on the side of hope. On the side of hope is where I want to stay...it's where life is. It's where I want to dwell. It's what I want to show my children.
In Exodus 17, as long as Moses held up his hand and his staff, the Israelites kept the advantage against the Amalekites. And the Bible says this:
The Israelites were victorious. I'm asking you all to continue to be our Aaron and our Hur. To continue to help us hold up our arms when we get tired. To help us remain steady. I will probably never be able to tell you how much joy it brings me when someone tells me how excited for us and how they are praying. To know you're praying for our children wherever they are right now. To know that you're praying for Mike and I. I love hearing people dream out loud with us about our children. We've been so blessed with our village.
In my dreams, I dream about dedication Sunday for our little ones. I dream about each and every one of you being there, seeing our dreams and the years of waiting right there on the stage, being dedicated to the Lord. I dream about the "welcome home" party we'll have after church. A celebration of God's faithfulness to us and a thank you celebration to all of you, from us. Our new little family. <3
So, our case worker has submitted our home study to Lansing and now we're just waiting. Once the license is issued, we start the process of waiting for a placement. A PLACEMENT. Can you even believe it? I can't. I'm praying that this year is my last Mother's Day with empty arms. I'm praying so many things and dreaming so many things...
Different people tell us different things about how long the wait should be (and everyone knows someone who had a different experience), but we have been told by our agency that we should expect 1-2 months. The pessimistic side of me is fighting to be heard and main streamed..."don't get your hopes up - something going as planned as not played a role in this story". BUT, I'm doing my best to shut that dark and grumpy side of me up. Because that is not where hope lies...and I want to be on the side of hope. So, if you see us or if we talk, please remember that...like I said earlier, everyone knows someone who has done this and, as people try to relate to us, we hear a lot (A LOT) of horror stories about foster care and waiting and adoption. I know we all know someone who has had a bad experience with one thing or another...but please don't share that with us. Tell us positive stories. Tell us you're praying for us. Pray with us (doesn't matter where we are, I'm always down for praying). Give us (okay maybe just me) a hug. Tell us you can't wait to meet our children. We are celebrating where we are and we're so excited and we're so thankful. And we are enjoying right now. But, we know the hard part isn't done...it actually hasn't even started. Help us stay on the side of hope. On the side of hope is where I want to stay...it's where life is. It's where I want to dwell. It's what I want to show my children.
In Exodus 17, as long as Moses held up his hand and his staff, the Israelites kept the advantage against the Amalekites. And the Bible says this:
"Moses’
arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and
Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of
Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset." (Exodus 17:12)
The Israelites were victorious. I'm asking you all to continue to be our Aaron and our Hur. To continue to help us hold up our arms when we get tired. To help us remain steady. I will probably never be able to tell you how much joy it brings me when someone tells me how excited for us and how they are praying. To know you're praying for our children wherever they are right now. To know that you're praying for Mike and I. I love hearing people dream out loud with us about our children. We've been so blessed with our village.
In my dreams, I dream about dedication Sunday for our little ones. I dream about each and every one of you being there, seeing our dreams and the years of waiting right there on the stage, being dedicated to the Lord. I dream about the "welcome home" party we'll have after church. A celebration of God's faithfulness to us and a thank you celebration to all of you, from us. Our new little family. <3
Monday, March 14, 2016
A room for 2...and a home for 4
This is a very exciting update to write to you. In the past week, our "extra room" has been transformed into "the kids room". And because of that transformation, our last 2 home visits were turned into one home visit and our licenser is working on writing up our home study and sending it to Lansing. Then hopefully, the state will approve it right away and we will be able to be put into the system as a home for children who are waiting to be adopted. We have room for 2 children in our home! On a journey where NOTHING has moved fast, this last week has seemed very out of place. And scary. And a little stressful. But, it's so incredibly wonderful.
I love walking into the room and looking around. I see so many miracles. I see my grandpas hope chest that we refinished a few years ago. It fits perfectly at the end of the bed. The bed that has the mattress from Mike's parents and a teddy bear that I was given in high school. I see a book shelf with my "I prayed for this child" frame on the top and a shelf full of books. Books from my childhood, books that friends have given us to read to our little ones, books with little notes written in them. I see the dresser that my parents bought when they were expecting me. In that dresser there are clothes and diapers and little baby things from "Hope". Above it is a picture from my aunt and uncle and a star mobile that my sister bought when we started this long process 4 years ago. The beautiful crib we got from a local church who refinishes cribs, making sure they are safe, and gives them to couples who are waiting for babies. A mattress that "Hope" also gave to us. And art from my parents. And then I see some art that I found and that made me cry in Hobby Lobby. It says "You are our best adventure". It's a room that full of miracles and dreams. And I can't believe that it's finally there.
It was a hard week. Mike was sicker than he has been in years and I was stressed. We needed to have the room emptied of what was in it (which was a lot!), put children things in it, and other things done for our home by Friday at 3pm, we were both working, and at one point during the week, I wasn't sure it was going to happen. But, God is good. He gave me friends to encourage and walk along side of me. (Side note: Hope and Held, I'm so thankful for our "in the trenches" friendship. Thanks for walking through your journeys as I walk through mine. One day, all of our little people will be able to play in the same room and I can't write anymore about that because I feel like I want to cry. I love you both.) God made sure that we never felt alone. He made sure that we were able to stop and experience the miracles and the joy, even when it would make more sense to stay stressed and worry. He gave us the blessing of picture texts, so I could send pictures to my family and they could be a part of it. He gave us the blessing of a water heater that got the water temperature down the the right number (wasn't sure it was going to happen at first!) and He was present at our final visit.
You guys...the room is ready. And we're officially farther in the process than we've ever been for any country. And this room, is what it looks like when dreams start to come true. God is good and our hearts full...but with room for 2.
I love walking into the room and looking around. I see so many miracles. I see my grandpas hope chest that we refinished a few years ago. It fits perfectly at the end of the bed. The bed that has the mattress from Mike's parents and a teddy bear that I was given in high school. I see a book shelf with my "I prayed for this child" frame on the top and a shelf full of books. Books from my childhood, books that friends have given us to read to our little ones, books with little notes written in them. I see the dresser that my parents bought when they were expecting me. In that dresser there are clothes and diapers and little baby things from "Hope". Above it is a picture from my aunt and uncle and a star mobile that my sister bought when we started this long process 4 years ago. The beautiful crib we got from a local church who refinishes cribs, making sure they are safe, and gives them to couples who are waiting for babies. A mattress that "Hope" also gave to us. And art from my parents. And then I see some art that I found and that made me cry in Hobby Lobby. It says "You are our best adventure". It's a room that full of miracles and dreams. And I can't believe that it's finally there.
It was a hard week. Mike was sicker than he has been in years and I was stressed. We needed to have the room emptied of what was in it (which was a lot!), put children things in it, and other things done for our home by Friday at 3pm, we were both working, and at one point during the week, I wasn't sure it was going to happen. But, God is good. He gave me friends to encourage and walk along side of me. (Side note: Hope and Held, I'm so thankful for our "in the trenches" friendship. Thanks for walking through your journeys as I walk through mine. One day, all of our little people will be able to play in the same room and I can't write anymore about that because I feel like I want to cry. I love you both.) God made sure that we never felt alone. He made sure that we were able to stop and experience the miracles and the joy, even when it would make more sense to stay stressed and worry. He gave us the blessing of picture texts, so I could send pictures to my family and they could be a part of it. He gave us the blessing of a water heater that got the water temperature down the the right number (wasn't sure it was going to happen at first!) and He was present at our final visit.
You guys...the room is ready. And we're officially farther in the process than we've ever been for any country. And this room, is what it looks like when dreams start to come true. God is good and our hearts full...but with room for 2.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Lamenting
I didn't grow up practicing Lent. I didn't really know much about it until I reached high school and a few of my co-workers would talk about "giving up" pop or chocolate for a few weeks. I knew they were Catholic, so I assumed it was only associated with their beliefs. And as I started "grown up life" (life after college), I learned more about it...practicing it a few times, but it wasn't something that I felt "burdened" to practice...until this year.
I don't see Lent as something that I should just go through the motions for...I don't see it as a "have to" to lead a Christian life, but I do recognize it as something that can change my heart and my mind. I see it as a time where I take a step back and look at my life and see where I am using something else to fill a void that should be filled with God. It is a time to realize that my dependency should be on Him.
My friend, "Hope", asked "Held" and I what we were thinking for Lent this year and we all came up with something that we were going to pray over and take out of our life until Easter. I had been feeling the "nudge" to sign out of my Facebook account for a little while, but as I prayed about it, I knew in my heart that my "a little while" was supposed to be the 40 days of Lent.
Now, let me just be honest about it - I feel a little stupid admitting all this and being one of those "Bye Facebook, see ya after Lent" people. But, I've promised honesty to you all so I won't hold back. Facebook was starting to hold a place in my life that I didn't want it to. I was starting sentences to other people with "Did you see what they posted?" or "I saw this on Facebook". I was thinking that I was closer to people than I really was because I was seeing their life online. I was reading things that hurt my heart and made me frustrated. I was communicating with people who I could easily just send a text to (or even call), but I thought it would be better if everyone else could read what I wanted to say to them. I was living online while life - real life- was all around me.
So, before the responses of "Facebook isn't that for me" and "I use it to keep up with far away friends" and "That doesn't happen to me", I know. I'm not trying to say that everyone should do this. I know that it's something different for everyone. And I agree with you that it's not always a bad thing. It has been a way for me to gain encouragement, and share our journey, and even make new friends and I am SO thankful for that. But, it changed...I let it change. And I don't like the role that I let it play in my life. I am pro-Facebook. But, I am not for letting it control me. It was becoming a place that I went to for encouragement, or validation. It became a place where I let things that I read make me angry - if I heard people talking like that in "real life", I would just walk away. But I let the words take a hold of me. It was a place that I was reading hatred and justifications and it was a place that I dreaded going to. So, why did I?
One of the points that Mike talks about when he talks to teenagers, is that our deepest need is to be known by other people. That we try and fill that need with so many other things. But, we want to be known and loved and accepted. Facebook was like drinking salty water to try and quench my thirst...it seemed at first like it was filling that need, but it wasn't. It was making it worse actually.
I don't mean to say that we don't need other people...He created Eve because it was not good for man to be alone. We need the company of other people...but I need that company in genuine. I need to pour my heart and my life into my relationship with God and the relationships with those closest to me...not random people that I haven't really had a real relationship with in years...or ever! I am so blessed with a village of people who love and support and who walk our journey with us. I do not want to water that blessing down with other things.
I didn't close my account down. I message people from Facebook (and don't have to log in to do that) and I think after Easter, I'll log back in. But I do think that this time away is very needed for me. I'm so thankful for all of you that are still walking this journey with us. If you are practicing Lent this year, I hope it's a fulfilling time for you and I pray that it leaves us changed and ready to share our story with others.
I don't see Lent as something that I should just go through the motions for...I don't see it as a "have to" to lead a Christian life, but I do recognize it as something that can change my heart and my mind. I see it as a time where I take a step back and look at my life and see where I am using something else to fill a void that should be filled with God. It is a time to realize that my dependency should be on Him.
My friend, "Hope", asked "Held" and I what we were thinking for Lent this year and we all came up with something that we were going to pray over and take out of our life until Easter. I had been feeling the "nudge" to sign out of my Facebook account for a little while, but as I prayed about it, I knew in my heart that my "a little while" was supposed to be the 40 days of Lent.
Now, let me just be honest about it - I feel a little stupid admitting all this and being one of those "Bye Facebook, see ya after Lent" people. But, I've promised honesty to you all so I won't hold back. Facebook was starting to hold a place in my life that I didn't want it to. I was starting sentences to other people with "Did you see what they posted?" or "I saw this on Facebook". I was thinking that I was closer to people than I really was because I was seeing their life online. I was reading things that hurt my heart and made me frustrated. I was communicating with people who I could easily just send a text to (or even call), but I thought it would be better if everyone else could read what I wanted to say to them. I was living online while life - real life- was all around me.
So, before the responses of "Facebook isn't that for me" and "I use it to keep up with far away friends" and "That doesn't happen to me", I know. I'm not trying to say that everyone should do this. I know that it's something different for everyone. And I agree with you that it's not always a bad thing. It has been a way for me to gain encouragement, and share our journey, and even make new friends and I am SO thankful for that. But, it changed...I let it change. And I don't like the role that I let it play in my life. I am pro-Facebook. But, I am not for letting it control me. It was becoming a place that I went to for encouragement, or validation. It became a place where I let things that I read make me angry - if I heard people talking like that in "real life", I would just walk away. But I let the words take a hold of me. It was a place that I was reading hatred and justifications and it was a place that I dreaded going to. So, why did I?
One of the points that Mike talks about when he talks to teenagers, is that our deepest need is to be known by other people. That we try and fill that need with so many other things. But, we want to be known and loved and accepted. Facebook was like drinking salty water to try and quench my thirst...it seemed at first like it was filling that need, but it wasn't. It was making it worse actually.
As I talked to "Held" and "Hope" yesterday, I realized that each of our "things" for Lent directly relate to the words that we have claimed for the year. (He is so present in all things, is He not?) My word was "Immanuel"...it means, "God with us". And my "thing" was Facebook. I was trying to be known and relate and feel comforted by others when He is right here. He knows my innermost thoughts...
"You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar."
(Psalm 139:2)
I don't mean to say that we don't need other people...He created Eve because it was not good for man to be alone. We need the company of other people...but I need that company in genuine. I need to pour my heart and my life into my relationship with God and the relationships with those closest to me...not random people that I haven't really had a real relationship with in years...or ever! I am so blessed with a village of people who love and support and who walk our journey with us. I do not want to water that blessing down with other things.
I didn't close my account down. I message people from Facebook (and don't have to log in to do that) and I think after Easter, I'll log back in. But I do think that this time away is very needed for me. I'm so thankful for all of you that are still walking this journey with us. If you are practicing Lent this year, I hope it's a fulfilling time for you and I pray that it leaves us changed and ready to share our story with others.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Pride?
It's February (and currently feeling like April outside), and as much as I love the cold and the snow, I am not minding the sunshine that is coming in through the windows here at the coffee shop as I write to you. It's warm and bright and it helps me clear my head and process my thoughts as I stare at the blank page in front of me. (It also makes me realize how dusty this computer is, and I think I can ignore that for now, but if you happen to be here too and see me using my sleeve to wipe the screen and keys, it will be obvious that the dust won.)
Mike and I are coming to a process in adoption that we have never made it to before and while it's really exciting, it scares the dickens out of me. We are starting to think and plan and move things to get "the room" ready. We have always dreamed and talked about what "the room" will look like and how we will arrange and what we will have to move out, but never have we done anything for it. Even as much as I would have loved to have it all ready 3 years ago, it just didn't make sense before. But now, it's what we need to do. Did you read that word? It was "need". Not "want". We need to have a space ready...we need to make sure our house meets the requirements of the state of Michigan. We have approximately 400 books (wish I was kidding, but I'm not and that may be underestimated) that are going to be gone through and the ones that make the cut are heading across the state to Auntie Merner's bookshelves so that the bookshelves we have can be filled with toys and children's books. We are going to be moving the desk and filing cabinet out and downstairs so that the space can be used for beds. We are going to go through the closet, so that it can be filled with clothes. You guys!! It seems like a cruel dream almost...to be planning this when time and time before, we have faced a very sharp bend in the road. It almost makes me feel like we shouldn't be doing it - that this is foolish. Like I've written before - hope can be a very hard thing to fight to keep. Which leads me to the next thing that I wanted to write to you about...
We finished our required 12 hours of PRIDE courses on Saturday. These training's are required by the state in order to be a licensed foster/adoptive home and I'm going to be totally honest with you - they were extremely overwhelming and actually really discouraged me. They told us that the statistic that so many couples end up divorced after going through this process. They told us all the hard things we could face, and gave us examples of what our child(ren) might be facing and how it will effect their lives. They gave us statistics and numbers. They wanted to be "real". I understand them, I know why we took them and why they present the information as they do. They want people to know that this journey we are all embarking on is going to be hard. It's going to be sad. It's going to make us feel crazy. They don't want us doing it and then burning out or coming in with unrealistic expectations. One of the men on our class ended up asking the last trainer "Are there any good experiences that you've had?". All this left me in a place where I questioned: "Do I have what it takes to do this?". Can we handle this? Will people stay by us when it's hard? Most people seem to be supportive right now and say they are accepting "no matter what", but will they be? Are they going to be accepting when it's different than what they think? What if our support system goes away? Can our marriage make it through this? God...I don't know about this.
As we were making dinner and trying to decompress from the information that we just sat through, I told Mike "I am totally questioning whether or not we can do this.". It was a truly awful thing to admit...and because of the turns we have faced and the closed doors and the grieving processes we have walked through, I had to question if this was God telling me that this was another door that was closing. He gave me a hug and understood what I was saying. But, he also reassured me that this is where God has us. So, I decided to continue to fight for hope, even though I felt bloody and weak and discouraged.
I will fight to be excited. I will fight by asking the Lord to protect our children and thanking Him for how He promises to use the lives of our children to further His kingdom and point those around us to Him. That's a bold promise for me to feel...to let the knowledge that our children are His and that HE has a plan for them. I refuse to let the pride of discouragement win. I am begging the Lord to take over these feelings and thoughts...I am pleading with Him to fill me with the joy of hope. I don't want to be sitting over here with rose colored glasses on, but I WILL be joyful for my children. I will be excited for them...they deserve to be excited for. They deserve to be dreamed about and planned for. They deserve my prayers. I know things will be hard, but they deserve to be fought for and protected and loved. It reminds of me of the verse in Zephaniah where the Lord says He will rejoice over us with singing.
This verse has been on my computer at work for a little bit now, and even now as I re-read it - I realize how rich with promises it is. He is with me (Immanuel)...He is a savior. He will take delight in me and be glad about it. He will calm my fear with perfect love. He will sing over me. This is the love and hope that we want to show our children...we want them to know this love and this hope for themselves. This is the love and hope He wants to show to you too.
I wasn't sure how this blog post would end when I started to write it...I wasn't really feeling like I had the strength to fight for hope and wasn't even sure if I would make it all the way through. But, as I continued to type and think, He has filled me with the joy of hope again. He has calmed my heart just as I asked Him to. He has reassured me that people may come and go, but that He is a constant and promises to always be so. He has also reminded of me of a dream that I had last night that I didn't remember until now - it was a dream of a precious child that was mine...that I was getting to know and discover and holding in my arms. "He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Amen.
Mike and I are coming to a process in adoption that we have never made it to before and while it's really exciting, it scares the dickens out of me. We are starting to think and plan and move things to get "the room" ready. We have always dreamed and talked about what "the room" will look like and how we will arrange and what we will have to move out, but never have we done anything for it. Even as much as I would have loved to have it all ready 3 years ago, it just didn't make sense before. But now, it's what we need to do. Did you read that word? It was "need". Not "want". We need to have a space ready...we need to make sure our house meets the requirements of the state of Michigan. We have approximately 400 books (wish I was kidding, but I'm not and that may be underestimated) that are going to be gone through and the ones that make the cut are heading across the state to Auntie Merner's bookshelves so that the bookshelves we have can be filled with toys and children's books. We are going to be moving the desk and filing cabinet out and downstairs so that the space can be used for beds. We are going to go through the closet, so that it can be filled with clothes. You guys!! It seems like a cruel dream almost...to be planning this when time and time before, we have faced a very sharp bend in the road. It almost makes me feel like we shouldn't be doing it - that this is foolish. Like I've written before - hope can be a very hard thing to fight to keep. Which leads me to the next thing that I wanted to write to you about...
We finished our required 12 hours of PRIDE courses on Saturday. These training's are required by the state in order to be a licensed foster/adoptive home and I'm going to be totally honest with you - they were extremely overwhelming and actually really discouraged me. They told us that the statistic that so many couples end up divorced after going through this process. They told us all the hard things we could face, and gave us examples of what our child(ren) might be facing and how it will effect their lives. They gave us statistics and numbers. They wanted to be "real". I understand them, I know why we took them and why they present the information as they do. They want people to know that this journey we are all embarking on is going to be hard. It's going to be sad. It's going to make us feel crazy. They don't want us doing it and then burning out or coming in with unrealistic expectations. One of the men on our class ended up asking the last trainer "Are there any good experiences that you've had?". All this left me in a place where I questioned: "Do I have what it takes to do this?". Can we handle this? Will people stay by us when it's hard? Most people seem to be supportive right now and say they are accepting "no matter what", but will they be? Are they going to be accepting when it's different than what they think? What if our support system goes away? Can our marriage make it through this? God...I don't know about this.
As we were making dinner and trying to decompress from the information that we just sat through, I told Mike "I am totally questioning whether or not we can do this.". It was a truly awful thing to admit...and because of the turns we have faced and the closed doors and the grieving processes we have walked through, I had to question if this was God telling me that this was another door that was closing. He gave me a hug and understood what I was saying. But, he also reassured me that this is where God has us. So, I decided to continue to fight for hope, even though I felt bloody and weak and discouraged.
I will fight to be excited. I will fight by asking the Lord to protect our children and thanking Him for how He promises to use the lives of our children to further His kingdom and point those around us to Him. That's a bold promise for me to feel...to let the knowledge that our children are His and that HE has a plan for them. I refuse to let the pride of discouragement win. I am begging the Lord to take over these feelings and thoughts...I am pleading with Him to fill me with the joy of hope. I don't want to be sitting over here with rose colored glasses on, but I WILL be joyful for my children. I will be excited for them...they deserve to be excited for. They deserve to be dreamed about and planned for. They deserve my prayers. I know things will be hard, but they deserve to be fought for and protected and loved. It reminds of me of the verse in Zephaniah where the Lord says He will rejoice over us with singing.
For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He
will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all
your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!
(Zephaniah 3:17)
I wasn't sure how this blog post would end when I started to write it...I wasn't really feeling like I had the strength to fight for hope and wasn't even sure if I would make it all the way through. But, as I continued to type and think, He has filled me with the joy of hope again. He has calmed my heart just as I asked Him to. He has reassured me that people may come and go, but that He is a constant and promises to always be so. He has also reminded of me of a dream that I had last night that I didn't remember until now - it was a dream of a precious child that was mine...that I was getting to know and discover and holding in my arms. "He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Amen.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Another year.
Okay so I haven't been the best (or good at all, haha) at continuing to update in here. Let's fix that now.
I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay.
I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel".
"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel.
This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year.
So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.
I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay.
I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel".
"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel.
This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year.
So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.
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