Lamenting

I didn't grow up practicing Lent. I didn't really know much about it until I reached high school and a few of my co-workers would talk about "giving up" pop or chocolate for a few weeks. I knew they were Catholic, so I assumed it was only associated with their beliefs. And as I started "grown up life" (life after college), I learned more about it...practicing it a few times, but it wasn't something that I felt "burdened" to practice...until this year.

I don't see Lent as something that I should just go through the motions for...I don't see it as a "have to" to lead a Christian life, but I do recognize it as something that can change my heart and my mind. I see it as a time where I take a step back and look at my life and see where I am using something else to fill a void that should be filled with God. It is a time to realize that my dependency should be on Him.

My friend, "Hope", asked "Held" and I what we were thinking for Lent this year and we all came up with something that we were going to pray over and take out of our life until Easter. I had been feeling the "nudge" to sign out of my Facebook account for a little while, but as I prayed about it, I knew in my heart that my "a little while" was supposed to be the 40 days of Lent.

Now, let me just be honest about it - I feel a little stupid admitting all this and being one of those "Bye Facebook, see ya after Lent" people. But, I've promised honesty to you all so I won't hold back.  Facebook was starting to hold a place in my life that I didn't want it to. I was starting sentences to other people with "Did you see what they posted?" or "I saw this on Facebook". I was thinking that I was closer to people than I really was because I was seeing their life online. I was reading things that hurt my heart and made me frustrated. I was communicating with people who I could easily just send a text to (or even call), but I thought it would be better if everyone else could read what I wanted to say to them. I was living online while life - real life- was all around me. 

So, before the responses of "Facebook isn't that for me" and "I use it to keep up with far away friends" and "That doesn't happen to me", I know. I'm not trying to say that everyone should do this. I know that it's something different for everyone. And I agree with you that it's not always a bad thing. It has been a way for me to gain encouragement, and share our journey, and even make new friends and I am SO thankful for that. But, it changed...I let it change. And I don't like the role that I let it play in my life. I am pro-Facebook. But, I am not for letting it control me. It was becoming a place that I went to for encouragement, or validation. It became a place where I let things that I read make me angry - if I heard people talking like that in "real life", I would just walk away. But I let the words take a hold of me. It was a place that I was reading hatred and justifications and it was a place that I dreaded going to. So, why did I?

One of the points that Mike talks about when he talks to teenagers, is that our deepest need is to be known by other people. That we try and fill that need with so many other things. But, we want to be known and loved and accepted. Facebook was like drinking salty water to try and quench my thirst...it seemed at first like it was filling that need, but it wasn't. It was making it worse actually. 

As I talked to "Held" and "Hope" yesterday, I realized that each of our "things" for Lent directly relate to the words that we have claimed for the year. (He is so present in all things, is He not?) My word was "Immanuel"...it means, "God with us". And my "thing" was Facebook. I was trying to be known and relate and feel comforted by others when He is right here. He knows my innermost thoughts...

"You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar."

(Psalm 139:2)

I don't mean to say that we don't need other people...He created Eve because it was not good for man to be alone. We need the company of other people...but I need that company in genuine. I need to pour my heart and my life into my relationship with God and the relationships with those closest to me...not random people that I haven't really had a real relationship with in years...or ever! I am so blessed with a village of people who love and support and who walk our journey with us. I do not want to water that blessing down with other things. 

I didn't close my account down. I message people from Facebook (and don't have to log in to do that) and I think after Easter, I'll log back in. But I do think that this time away is very needed for me. I'm so thankful for all of you that are still walking this journey with us. If you are practicing Lent this year, I hope it's a fulfilling time for you and I pray that it leaves us changed and ready to share our story with others.

Pride?

 It's February (and currently feeling like April outside), and as much as I love the cold and the snow, I am not minding the sunshine that is coming in through the windows here at the coffee shop as I write to you. It's warm and bright and it helps me clear my head and process my thoughts as I stare at the blank page in front of me. (It also makes me realize how dusty this computer is, and I think I can ignore that for now, but if you happen to be here too and see me using my sleeve to wipe the screen and keys, it will be obvious that the dust won.) 

Mike and I are coming to a process in adoption that we have never made it to before and while it's really exciting, it scares the dickens out of me. We are starting to think and plan and move things to get "the room" ready. We have always dreamed and talked about what "the room" will look like and how we will arrange and what we will have to move out, but never have we done anything for it. Even as much as I would have loved to have it all ready 3 years ago, it just didn't make sense before. But now, it's what we need to do. Did you read that word? It was "need". Not "want". We need to have a space ready...we need to make sure our house meets the requirements of the state of Michigan. We have approximately 400 books (wish I was kidding, but I'm not and that may be underestimated) that are going to be gone through and the ones that make the cut are heading across the state to Auntie Merner's bookshelves so that the bookshelves we have can be filled with toys and children's books. We are going to be moving the desk and filing cabinet out and downstairs so that the space can be used for beds. We are going to go through the closet, so that it can be filled with clothes. You guys!! It seems like a cruel dream almost...to be planning this when time and time before, we have faced a very sharp bend in the road. It almost makes me feel like we shouldn't be doing it - that this is foolish. Like I've written before - hope can be a very hard thing to fight to keep. Which leads me to the next thing that I wanted to write to you about...

We finished our required 12 hours of PRIDE courses on Saturday. These training's are required by the state in order to be a licensed foster/adoptive home and I'm going to be totally honest with you - they were extremely overwhelming and actually really discouraged me. They told us that the statistic that so many couples end up divorced after going through this process. They told us all the hard things we could face, and gave us examples of what our child(ren) might be facing and how it will effect their lives. They gave us statistics and numbers. They wanted to be "real". I understand them, I know why we took them and why they present the information as they do. They want people to know that this journey we are all embarking on is going to be hard. It's going to be sad. It's going to make us feel crazy. They don't want us doing it and then burning out or coming in with unrealistic expectations. One of the men on our class ended up asking the last trainer "Are there any good experiences that you've had?".  All this left me in a place where I questioned: "Do I have what it takes to do this?". Can we handle this? Will people stay by us when it's hard? Most people seem to be supportive right now and say they are accepting "no matter what", but will they be? Are they going to be accepting when it's different than what they think? What if our support system goes away? Can our marriage make it through this? God...I don't know about this.  

As we were making dinner and trying to decompress from the information that we just sat through, I told Mike "I am totally questioning whether or not we can do this.". It was a truly awful thing to admit...and because of the turns we have faced and the closed doors and the grieving processes we have walked through, I had to question if this was God telling me that this was another door that was closing. He gave me a hug and understood what I was saying. But, he also reassured me that this is where God has us. So, I decided to continue to fight for hope, even though I felt bloody and weak and discouraged.

I will fight to be excited. I will fight by asking the Lord to protect our children and thanking Him for how He promises to use the lives of our children to further His kingdom and point those around us to Him. That's a bold promise for me to feel...to let the knowledge that our children are His and that HE has a plan for them. I refuse to let the pride of discouragement win. I am begging the Lord to take over these feelings and thoughts...I am pleading with Him to fill me with the joy of hope. I don't want to be sitting over here with rose colored glasses on, but I WILL be joyful for my children. I will be excited for them...they deserve to be excited for. They deserve to be dreamed about and planned for. They deserve my prayers. I know things will be hard, but they deserve to be fought for and protected and loved. It reminds of me of the verse in Zephaniah where the Lord says He will rejoice over us with singing. 

 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!

(Zephaniah 3:17) 

This verse has been on my computer at work for a little bit now, and even now as I re-read it - I realize how rich with promises it is. He is with me (Immanuel)...He is a savior. He will take delight in me and be glad about it. He will calm my fear with perfect love. He will sing over me. This is the love and hope that we want to show our children...we want them to know this love and this hope for themselves. This is the love and hope He wants to show to you too. 

I wasn't sure how this blog post would end when I started to write it...I wasn't really feeling like I had the strength to fight for hope and wasn't even sure if I would make it all the way through. But, as I continued to type and think, He has filled me with the joy of hope again. He has calmed my heart just as I asked Him to. He has reassured me that people may come and go, but that He is a constant and promises to always be so. He has also reminded of me of a dream that I had last night that I didn't remember until now - it was a dream of a precious child that was mine...that I was getting to know and discover and holding in my arms. "He will rejoice over you with joyful songs!" Amen.

Another year.

Okay so I haven't been the best (or good at all, haha) at continuing to update in here. Let's fix that now. 

I feel like I should start with saying something like "2015 was a year of learning and growing"...and it was, but I feel like that's a boring and bland description of what our year was. Our year was hopeful and exciting, and then it was sad and confusing and it made me angry, and then it went back to being hopeful, but with a mix of scary/unknown in it this time. It was a year of continuing to pray and to wait. It was a year of realizing again that His plans not always the ones I assume they are. It was a year of tears and prayers and the knowledge that "hope" is something that you have to work to keep sometimes because it can be easier to give into doubt and to cynicalness...and that doubt and cynicalness is very easy to justify that because of "what we've gone through". It was a year of sharing my fears and my struggle with others, and letting people know my fears and my hurts. It was a year of me realizing that I am not called to share my journey only when it goes the way I think it should - that I am called to share my whole journey. I am called to share the parts I don't understand, and I'm called to share the parts that make me mad, and the parts that make me cry. I am called to share that because it's not about me. It's about God and how He is always good and always faithful and always working. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some, and maybe some people will think it's ridiculous, but that's okay. 

I have seen people picking words for 2016...a theme for the year, or something they want to discover or become. One of my friends has picked the word "Held" for the year, another "Hope", and I have seen words like "Pray", "Believe", and "Become" pop up on my Facebook newsfeed. My friends, "Held" and "Hope", encouraged me to pick a word for the year. As I thought about what my word should be, I asked God to let me know what it is He wants me to know in my heart and in my soul this year. The word He gave me is "Immanuel". 

"Immanuel" is normally heard around Christmas time and means "God with us". How perfect of a word for me. How perfect of a word for me to be able to share with Mike and for us to incorporate into our home and into our journey. It is so important for to to remind myself of as we finish up our paperwork and start our classes. It's important for me to remember when it's exciting or when it's scary or when it's just calm. It's important for me to remember and to know as we live our lives. Even if 2016 is another year of waiting...He is with us. Immanuel. Even if there is another turn in our road...Immanuel. Even if this is our year and we start 2017 with a family that is more than the two of us...Immanuel. In the hard times when I don't think we can do it, or in the happy times when I think that I will never be happier. And in the times when I don't know. It reminds me that He is with us...He has not left us on the side of the road. He's right here. And it reminds me to worship as the angels did that night He was born. To celebrate. And to know. Immanuel. 

This morning, I did the paperwork for our Michigan Foster License and at the end of the month, we have two weekends of classes that are state required. We're starting 2016 off running and I'm thankful for it. It's very unknown, but we continue to ask God's guidance in this and that He continue to be glorified in our lives. We continue to pray for our children...for Russia and for Ethiopia. We ask for His protection and for His mercy on our children. We ask that He shape us to be the parents that we need to be. We ask Him to make us parents this year. 

So here we are...another year and it is filled with the possibility that anything can (and may!) happen. I am hopeful and excited and scared. But I know that He's already there at the end of this year and that He's got my minutes in His hands. He has been with us. And He will stay with us. And He is with us. Immanuel.

Thanksgiving and Ornaments

It's just 7am on Thanksgiving - just me and the fireplace this morning! I was looking forward to sleeping in, but my mind had another idea. It's been about a month since I wrote to you last, so I'll fix that while everyone else sleeps in. ;-) 

We had our first home study on November 2nd. It was a lot different that the international home studies. Our social worker came over and went over all the paperwork with us. Instead of being interviewed, this time we get to just fill out papers. (Not complaining at all about that!) She gave us the dates of PRIDE training in January and we just chatted a little. We are all signed up for fingerprinting next week and we'll get all the paperwork filled out before our PRIDE classes. After that, we'll work with our social worker on what needs to be done in our home so that it's up to state regulations. Very methodical steps that I am very thankful for after the ups and downs of these past few years. 

As I was putting our tree up (yes, it's up before Thanksgiving), I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. Actually, someones were missing. I felt the loss of our children. When you start the adoption process, you picture yourself with that child...you start to love them, pray for them, and dream about what life will be like when you're all together. It doesn't make sense to everyone, "How can you miss a child you never knew"...but isn't that what adoption is? You love someone you never met - you pursue the path it takes to be with them. When we were told about Russia, we lost a child. When we were told about Ethiopia, we lost another child. We have also experienced a miscarriage since we've been married. Three little lives that deeply touched ours. And I've come to realize, that I can't just pretend those children don't exist. They do exist. So, Mike and I have decided to get our "angel children" little ornaments for our Christmas tree. Christmas is my favorite time of the year (that's why I am fine with it starting in October and ending in January) and I can think of no better way to honor our children's lives than to celebrate them on our Christmas tree. Not in a "forever mourning" way, but in a celebratory way that shows that we will never forget them and continue to pray for them. I've claimed their salvation, praying that the Lord marks their hearts and souls for Him and I can't wait until Heaven when we'll finally get to see those sweet faces. 

I also felt the loss of our future children...missing them and praying for their safety and that they feel the presence of God in their little lives, even if they don't know it. As I was telling a co-worker about the Christmas ornaments, she gave me the idea of also buying ornaments for our future children - and then when they are finally home, they will already have something to put on our tree. Something that claims a spot for them now. I cannot wait...our future is full of Hope because we believe He works all things for His good. 

I know it's Thanksgiving morning and all I've really talked about is Christmas ornaments. But, I'll wrap it all up in a nice Thanksgiving ending...I am so thankful. I am thankful that I know the Lord. I cannot fathom living this life without His Hope and His Joy and His never ending Love.  He is why my heart beats and the reason I wake up in the morning. He is the One who died for my heart and the One who wins in the end. And He loves you. Don't go through these days without Him, I promise you it's not worth it. I am thankful for my marriage - marriage is not always easy and it's not always fun, but I'm so thankful for a man who has fought with me to keep it going and that I can call him my best friend. I'm thankful for who Mike is and for how he not only loves me, but how he has and does love our children (all of them!). I'm thankful for family and friends who love us and who are walking this path with us - people who take time to listen and to be involved with what's going on with us. I'm thankful for those of you who are praying for our children along with us. When you adopt, you come across a lot of opinions and "advice" from people who really have no desire to invest anything into you. It's really hard and it can be annoying and actually, it can be very hurtful. So, I never want to take for granted those people who are in the trenches with us the best they can be. I'm thankful for my amazing job and my co-workers. I'm thankful for Mike's job. I'm thankful for our home, our cars, and our little camper...we have been blessing in such abundance and I don't want to overlook any of it. We have lights and heat and blankets and food in the fridge. We have the knowledge that He is always there. I am so thankful. 

See? I ended it on a Thanksgiving note. ;-) Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends...

O Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; Let us shout joyfully to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is a great God, And a great King above all gods, In whose hand are the depths of the earth; The peaks of the mountains are His also. The sea is His, for it was He who made it; And His hands formed the dry land. Come, let us worship and bow down; Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker.

Psalm 95:1-6

November 2nd!

Okay, so our first home study is November 2nd. We have turned in our legal paper work, we're waiting to hear when we can go get finger printed, and we're waiting on the dates for PRIDE training...so, lots of details in a short phrase: we're rolling, people! 

It is exciting that we're moving on things. After the processes that we've been through, it's encouraging to have things go so fast. BUT, that does not mean that I haven't had my moments/days/maybe an entire weekend of doubt and anxiety and questioning. My latest struggle has been "God, I feel like I'm finally at a point where I'm okay...please don't let it hurt again". (Note to all: "What to Expect when You're Expecting" has an Ethiopian adoption story line and I sobbed...like headache, hiccups, ugliness type of crying. It was not pretty.) I'm still healing...and I'm so tentative to start this process again because of that. It's so scary, guys...faith is scary. Stepping out and following what we feel called to is scary. And it takes a lot of prayers of "God please just take this fear". So if you guys think about, please say a pray for us with that. I think I'm struggling more with it than Mike is, but me and my emotions are probably enough for him, haha. 

I've been sitting here for probably 10 minutes, trying to figure out if there is anything else to share tonight...I feel like this post should be a lot longer since I haven't updated in awhile. But, I think I need to leave it at what I have down. It's what's most prevalent on my heart right now and what I feel like I need to ask for prayer for...prayer for joy in this, prayer for peace, and faith, and against all things that are not of God - like fear and anxiety. 

I can't believe you're all still walking this journey with us...it's been a long time. Thank you for not forgetting about us and for not leaving us. We're real thankful for you. You're our "village" and our travel companions. You guys rock. :-) 

We're still here

Hi Friends...how are you? It's been over a month and I've had a few people ask in this last week or so about where we are in our new process. (And thank you for asking...for walking with us...and for not forgetting us. Please don't ever apologize for asking.) 

Our vacation was amazing...it was a week spent camping RIGHT on the beach, waking up and falling asleep to the sound of the water is incredibly soothing and healing. The Lord really worked on continuing to heal my heart and to speak to my soul in a way that was even more soothing than the waves each day. He brought this passage to my mind: (this is the NLT version)

"God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 

 God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.

God blesses those who are humble,
    for they will inherit the whole earth. 

 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
    for they will be satisfied.

God blesses those who are merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
    for they will see God.

God blesses those who work for peace,
    for they will be called the children of God.

God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

(Matthew 5: 3-10) 

This passage says that those who mourn are shown comfort...the Lord says it's okay to mourn, to take time, to realize that you're upset and hurt and confused...and it says that comfort WILL come. It also says I will realize my need for Him....that I will see God...and that I am a child of the Lord. And isn't that was life is really all about? It is. And I'm thankful for that.

Mike and I have continued to pray and to seek His guidance, and we still feel that we're asked to travel the road of adoption through the foster care system. We have both had our medical exams and we are ready to pick up our application. 

We are also scared. I just told someone last week that I'm all done with making a list of "this, then this, then this...". I'm tired of planning and assuming and being way wrong. So, the only thing on my list is "pick up the application". After that, we'll see what is the next step. (Anyone else remembering the scene in "What About Bob?" when Bob gets the baby steps book? "Baby steps to the door. Baby steps to the elevator". I love that movie.)

Okay, back to the topic at hand. We're taking the "Baby Steps" right now, and while taking those little steps we are asking God to move in BIG ways. Knowing, as we have always known and as we have seen, that it's in the Lords hands. He knows the faces of our children and He knows their stories. And in a situation like adoption when parental rights have been taken away by the state, the fact that the Lord has our children in His hands is what I hold to. (I might write more about that later...it's something I give to the Lord on a daily basis). 

Please don't stop praying for us. As soon as I pick up the application, I will let you all know and we'll continue on our "baby steps" process and excepting big moves from our God. We love you. 

Restoration

It's been awhile since I updated here - sorry. I normally find myself wanting and needing to talk and get all my feelings out there to the world (aka, you) but, these last few months were different for me.

Mike and I attended the orientation/information/first required meeting for our agency about a month ago. It was 3 hours long and full of info...and it was extraordinarily overwhelming to me. I had a minor freak out after it, scared that we didn't have what it takes. And I just found myself tired. Not the sleepy "I need a nap" kind of tired, but my soul was tired. Starting over again...again...was not just discouraging to me, but it was exhausting. I was tired of being hopeful, of looking for "the next step", of telling people what stage we were in for the adoption process. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. It's not that I wasn't still dreaming of being a family of more than Mike and I, it's just that my soul was dry...empty...tired. And I didn't feel like I could do it all again. The idea of another application/home study/wait process was too much for me.

I thought about pushing through all of this and just going ahead with the application and "get the ball rolling", but then I decided to let myself be tired. To let myself feel the weight and reality of what we've been through. To let myself be comforted by the Lord as He started to fill my soul again. After talking through all these feelings with Mike, I realized that he knew what I was talking about. We decided to wait until after our vacation to start the application process. This gave me permission to just relax and not be focusing on "the next step"...because "the next step" for me...for us...was to rest. 

This has been amazing for me, and for Mike and I, and I'm so thankful for it. We had more time to mourn and to really accept that the path we thought we were on looks different than what we had pictured. It has given us time to talk about what we want our family to look like and pray about this "new to us" path that we're now on. It's been a time of restoration for my soul. 

I got a text from friend this week that has this quote in it: 

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him."

 (Chambers)

This quote perfectly fit what I felt. I love that God works through friends and through text and at the perfect time. 

Our vacation is coming up soon and then after that, we will see what needs to be done with our application. But, until then, I am letting the past sleep in His hands...because He loves us. And when we take the next step, we'll be holding those same hands...because He loves us. And I want to let myself soak that in. 

"He restores my soul..." 

(Psalm 23:3)