The update I wanted to do Tuesday!

Okay, so first the random things:
- I wanted to write this entry on Tuesday after I posted on Facebook but didn't have the time. It's been swirling around my head since then!
- I'm convinced that grey (gray?) is the most comfortable color there is and my entire outfit right now is grey (Gray? Seriously, how do you spell that?) The comfort level of it completely trumps the fact that it's not the most fashionable thing I've ever worn. 
- Christmas stuff goes up this weekend and I'm currently listening to the Canadian Brass Holiday channel on Pandora. I could listen to this stuff all day...that and Josh Groban. But let's be honest about it, I could listen to any Christmas music and be so happy about it.

Alright, now that that is out of the way! On to the update! Two entries ago, I had asked if you would pray that our LifeSong account would be processed before the end of the year. We had just sent it all in and knew it would probably take 8 weeks before we heard anything from them.

Tuesday morning, around 5am, I woke up worrying. I was worrying about our LifeSong account and the dark voices in my head were trying to get me to travel down the path of "what if". I forced myself to rebuke those voices and was able to go back to sleep with the knowledge that worrying at 5am (and actually worrying about it at all) wasn't going to do any good, and that I knew God had promised me that our whole adoption process is in His hands. The fact that I was able to go back to sleep was, in itself, a bit of a miracle. God is loving. 

After being able to get a few more hours of sleep, I woke up and actually didn't think about LifeSong at all - until I got a phone call from them. As I listened to the message she left for me, asking that I call her back so we could discuss some things, I got that sick-cold feeling in my stomach...it's like when someone says "we need to talk". I don't like to admit that, I'd love to tell you that I heard her message and thought immediately "I'm so full of peace and joy", but that would be a lie. I was nervous because it hadn't been 8 weeks and I just got worried and let myself think about the worse case scenario. 

So I called her back and she answered right away. She introduced herself and asked me how everything was going. I told her it was good, the process is slow, but that we were hoping our LifeSong account was able to be set up this year because we have a donor who would like to claim it on this years taxes as a deduction. Now, I don't know the whole purpose of the call, but it sounded to me like the call was just to get to know us a little better and talk about our application. But, this beautiful hearted woman said "Oh! I can understand that! I don't normally do this, but when we get off the phone, I'll walk down to the other office and make sure your account is set up today so you can make sure that donation get in this year!" You guys, I could have cried. I think I thanked her about 20 times. 

As our conversation went on, she asked me about where we lived and what church we went too. I told her, and she told me that Holland is one of her favorite vacation spots - she and her husband visit often - LifeSong isn't out of Michigan. (I told her to save my number and to call me when she comes in next time, that she and her husband were invited to dinner. I totally meant it too and really hope she does!!)  She also told me that her daughter-in-law was from the same area that I grew up in. So many little connections! 

So many little connections that I could easily say "well it's a small world" and gloss over, but these little details are SO precious to me. Little details, to me, show how intimately the Lord loves us. How He knows me and my life and that I like to make connections with people. It also shows me how important our child's life is.

I have known all along that our child's life will touch other peoples lives. I know our child is special...I know that the Lord has a greater plan for them that I could only imagine. I know our child is His child. I know that our child's life is already changing mine and the lives of those around our family. I know that He promised His glory to be seen...and it has been, it is, and it will be. 

I don't want to gloss over this acceptance to LifeSong...I don't want to not notice the little blessings in letting me connect with that lady. I don't want to forget the peace and ability to go back to sleep and not worry. I don't want to not acknowledge that it wasn't 8 weeks before we heard back. I don't want to just "check this off the list" and not stop to breath in deep the goodness of God. I think we can get too busy in life...and miss the miracles that are happening around us everyday. I don't want to not thank the Lord that people want to give to our adoption. So many blessings all around me...I want to stop and take them all in. I don't want this to just become another "thing we do for our adoption".

This last weekend, Mike and I went up to my aunt and uncles hunting cabin for opening weekend of gun hunting. It was so beautiful this time of year...about a foot of snow, and one night a sky full of stars. If it wasn't snowy and super cold, I would have laid there for hours just watching the stars. I realized that each of those stars are there for a reason...He knows each star. He designed each snowflake on the ground. So much precision and detail goes into stars and snowflakes...and those weren't created in His image - we were. Our journey is like a perfect tiny snowflake...so intricately designed.

Thank you for your prayers - you are all also playing such a beautiful and important role in this. And Mike will be setting up a link for the tax delectable link on here. I love to write and tell our story, but the technology aspect of this blog is all him!!

I don't know that I will update again before Thanksgiving, so just in case that I don't please know that Mike and I both consider you someone that we are thankful for this year. We are thankful for this journey and we are thankful for our babe. Have a good Thanksgiving, friends - we love you. 

My sad, and slightly grumpy, toddler-style day

 One of the things I love most about toddlers, is that they don't hold back their emotions. If they feel it, they show it. Whether it's happy, sad, angry, bored, sleepy, hungry, or silly. (If you don't believe me, try getting a toddler who hates texture to touch play-dough or sand.) It's refreshing actually and in my 10+ years of teaching a classroom full of all of those 2 year old raw emotions, I learned to really appreciate it. I liked knowing how they felt because it let me learn what their little personality needed. It showed me who they were and what they liked and didn't like. It helped me learn how to best help them. It created a fun little friendship because I could understand who they were. I really miss that about teaching. 

Yesterday was a struggle for me. Nothing happened to make it a struggle, no "bad news", nothing marked the day that would make me sad...it was just a normal day, but I was struggling. I missed our child. I wanted to just be able to hold them, and to hear their little giggle, and see the things in life that they enjoy. I wanted to know what they would want to be for Halloween. I wanted to be living life with that precious and most wanted child. I wanted to not be waiting anymore. I know, I know...the adoption process is a waiting game, and I will be the first person to tell you that. Most of the time I don't struggle like this and for that, I am SO thankful. But yesterday, I was sad and slightly grumpy.

Yesterday, I wanted to cry and to stomp my feet and throw a 2 year old style temper tantrum. It's not fair. It's not easy. It's not my "ideal" to have to wait for so long. I don't want to. I want it to be done and I want it to be done now. When I told this to my aunt on the phone, she kinda laughed and said "Natalie, don't you think the Lord would smile at that and giggle? He understands, He created you with this passion". SO TRUE. It really reminded me that God can handle all my emotions. I can feel free to tell Him that I don't like this, because He understands. He isn't afraid of my hissy-fits and isn't going to "smite me" because I am grumpy at this situation. He loves me and He knows my heart...He knows that I'm sad and grumpy and frustrated and impatient. He knows I was struggling yesterday, in fact, He knew I was going to struggle before I even got up. I love the idea that He listened to my grumping with a smile on His face and understanding in His eyes. I like that He probably laughed when He said "Natalie, I understand...let me comfort you". 

Yesterday was a struggle and I didn't really love it and I definitely don't want it to become something that happens more than "once in awhile" because it's not fun. BUT, I'm thankful that even in my temper tantrum mood, I know that I serve a God who understands and who isn't annoyed by me. I know that on my next "struggle day", He will be there - He already is there! - and that He will choose to comfort me that day too. 

I also wanted to thank those of you who were not hesitant to offer kind words and prayers yesterday. I'm not a "attention seeking, dramatic Facebook post" kind of girl, that actually makes me kinda of crazy, so debated even mentioning it on there yesterday, but I do want to be honest about our journey and yesterday was hard. Thank you so much for your understanding and for your love. I'm so thankful for you.

Adoption update, prayer request, and my net worth.

Update time! Our case worker, and two other people from our adoption agency just spent about 10 days in Ethiopia - talking to government officials, snuggling babies, and getting some information on the state of international adoptions. They said the trip was informational - they confirmed that international adoptions were not being stopped (good news!) and they learned more about the country's desire to keep as many children in country as possible. (Which, we do understand). They hope that the rate of placements will increase, but still except slower referrals than this time last year. So, all of this we knew and were excepting. And unless we hear differently from the Lord, this is the path that we are going to continue to travel. :-)
Prayer Request time! We just finished and sent in our application to Lifesong. Lifesong does grants, loans, and helps fund-raise for adoptive families. They also set up tax deductible accounts for adoptive families so that when people donate, they can get tax deductions for their kindness. Our church has a Lifesong account already set up and once our application is sent to them, it should be all set - so please pray that it processes quickly and smoothly! Specifically, please pray that it's processed before the end of 2014. 

My net worth. So on all these forms and applications, we have to divulge all our financial information. They always ask for "net worth". It got me thinking about what I'm actually worth. If you write it down on paper, I'm not worth much at all...we don't own expensive things and choose to try to live a humble and simple life. But my "worth" is something that got me thinking...I'm realizing that I sometimes try and find my worth in places that I won't ever find it. I try and find my worth as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as friend, an employee, or whatever.  I even try to find it in being a future Mommy. I try and find full satisfaction in these areas and base my self worth at how well I preform in these areas of life. I find them becoming "who I am". 

Now, I don't think it's wrong to use those words to describe the roles I play in life, because I AM a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a future Mommy and I love that and am so grateful those relationships...but I'm also so more than that. If I expect these roles to give me self confidence and "complete" me, I'm going to be so disappointed. And really, I'm asking a lot of the people in those roles opposite of me...I cannot expect them to fully satisfy me and make me feel whole. If I'm waiting on these people and in these situations to feel satisfied and whole, I'm going to be real disappointed. That's a lot of unnecessary pressure to put on those other people.

 I have to remind myself that my worth doesn't come from anyone else. I'm not defined by how good of a wife I am. It truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. It doesn't matter if I'm doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I am not owned by those things. My worth comes from God. My worth comes from the fact that He calls me His own. It comes from being loved by Him and forgiven by Him. I can define myself as a wife (or daughter, sister, mommy, friend, employee) that loves Jesus. I want my life to show Him...not Mike, my parents, my sister, or whoever. Because, that's Who I'm living for - not anyone else. I find that realizing this, I can give myself more grace in my relationships. When my focus is on loving like Jesus does, I love other people better. I am also finding that I put less pressure on other people to make me feel the way I think they should. So, it's like a win-win situation.  

Happy Wednesday to you. Thanks for your love and support and your prayers. Mike and I cherish you all so much. <3

Joy - for Christmas and for always.

Okay, so confession: I'm totally watching a Hallmark Christmas movie on Netflix while typing this. I know there are the "no Christmas before Thanksgiving Scrooges" *ah hem, my husband* out there that are going to roll their eyes, but I don't even care. The commercialization of Christmas could start in July and I would love it - more Christmas time for me! I could live in the Christmas section of Hobby Lobby right now. 

So actually, this whole "Christmas spirit" thing actually ties into what has been on my heart lately: joy. I think that sometimes, I choose to let myself look at the negative aspects of what's going on around me. Letting myself focus on the dust that is showing on my window sill, instead of realizing that the dust shows because the sun is shining so brightly through the glass. I look out at our garden and think "ugh, so much to pull up now that it's getting colder" instead of realizing that our garden was amazing this year and all of that "stuff to pull up" means that we had so much fresh veggies this year that we were giving it away! I believe joy is something I can choose...and unfortunately, I don't think I always do a very good job at realizing that. 

Here's what has been on my heart with this lately. I think choosing joy is actually a form of worship. I had a youth pastor say once that "worship is letting God know how awesome He is and how much we need Him" (I can't remember who actually said that, so if you're one of my former youth pastors and that was you, thank you!). I believe that we can choose to focus on the "bummer" parts of life and let that rule our thoughts, attitudes, and hearts - OR we can make the choice to focus on the joy in life. The Bible says this: 

"Be joyful always;  

pray continually;  

give thanks in all circumstances, 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

 (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What really sticks out to me about that passage is the "this is God's will for you" part...He desires us to be joyful, and to be constant in prayer, and to be thankful. God doesn't want us to be miserable - He desires joy for our hearts. Why do we fight that? 

Granted sometimes, finding joy is really hard..almost impossible. And sometimes it seems wrong to look for joy in a situation, that our hearts are so broken that it seems joy will never be possible again. Sometimes to look for joy, can almost seem mean and calloused because of how painful a situation is. But, I don't think that the Lord is absent in those times. I believe He is still there, desiring joy for our hearts. King David says this: 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

 (Psalm 23) 

Life is happening and changing and moving and unpredictable...and I can't change what it throws at me. But I can choose to change my thoughts and my reactions. And I can choose to seek joy in all situations ("Be joyful always"). And I know that when joy is hard to find, my Father is not. He is always right there with me. ("Pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances"). I believe joy is a form of worship. It shows who God is ("for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus") and it shows how much I need Him. So today, I choose joy. I choose joy because it's easy to find the bad and "bummer" parts of life - anyone can do that and I don't want to just be anyone. I want to show the joy that I see to other people. I want our child to see that this time of waiting was full of joy in the anticipation of becoming a family of three. I want to live differently. Because I believe that's His will for me. And for you. And I believe that He wants to show you the joy He has for you. 

 "In Your presence, there is fullness of joy" 

(Psalm 16:11)

Merry Christmas in October, friends. :-) I love you all. 

Why I love not catching fish when fishing.

Okay so this summer, Mike and I have taken up fishing. I used to fish with my dad and my grandpa when I was a little girl (alright let's be honest about it...they would bait the line, I would catch the fish, and then one of them would take if off the line. And if I wasn't catching anything, I was talking or walking around the boat, so neither of them could catch anything, haha.) Anyway, Mike and I bought poles this year and have taken up fishing. 
 
We decided to go out to the lake last night and try to catch "the big one". We saw them jumping and the water was perfect, but neither of us had more than a little nibble on our lines. As we were walking back to the truck, I was telling Mike how much I loved fishing, even if we didn't catch anything. In fact, I was glad we didn't catch anything (and not just because I'm still not sure how to fillet one properly). Let me try to explain the thoughts and feelings in my head about this...

Our lives are filled with things we need to "be on top of"...things we need to do, things we need to make sure happen, things we need to keep under control, and there is always something that has to be done. We live lives that demand our attention and we live in a world where we think we are the ones in control. But, that's not the case when it's just you and a fishing pole and a lake. As hard as I try, I cannot force a fish to bite. I cannot schedule a school of fish to swim by at a certain time and I am not the one who is responsible if we don't get a nibble.

Now, I know some may say "well you didn't use the right bait" or "you should have been at a different spot" or whatever, but the fact of the matter is...I don't have control over it. And it's actually so refreshing.

The simple (and sometimes frustrating) act of NOT catching anything is just the reminder I needed. I don't have as much control over things as I would like to think that I do. And it's so amazing to give myself permission to acknowledge that. To give myself permission to take in the lake, and the sunset, and the great company that I get to share it with. To not miss the moment I'm in because I'm trying to force something else to happen. To be thankful for where I am and for what I'm doing and to not miss the simple beauty that is always around.

I didn't catch anything last night...but as it turns out, it was more beneficial than I thought. And I'm glad for the gift of realizing how much I have on the end of my fishing pole...even when there's not a fish there. :-)

Jesus loves you, so I don't have to.

Since starting the process of adoption, my view of life has changed a lot. The main view has been my view of what it means to love other people. 

1 Corinthians 13 says this: 

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Truth be told: I am not an expert at loving perfectly. I am not always good at it and sometimes I choose to not do it. There are people in life that I SERIOUSLY struggle to love...like women who are mean to other women so that they momentarily feel better about themselves (which never actually works because they are only then more paranoid that other people are talking about them, like they are about other people), or Christians who say or encourage the attitude of "You aren't entitled to what I have earned" (because who exactly do you think you are? No one deserves good things in life, no one has earned them. We actually deserve death. Jesus is actually the only One who can say that. But He doesn't, so why do you think you can say that?) I struggle so much. I struggle with the fight that is this: "Jesus loves you, so I don't have to" because some people are NOT fun to love. But you know what? I am in the same boat as the people who I struggle with..it's like we're actually rowing right next to each other. Because just as I talk about struggling to love others, I'm sure someone is feeling the same way about me. Talk about humbling.

 I read chapter 13 as this for my life: "If I have great blog posts and write solid and truthful-sounding paragraphs, but I don't love, I am merely an author of empty words. If I journey down this path of being shown who Jesus is, but I do not show Jesus to others, I am walking in hypocrisy. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, it does not brag, it does not put down others, it is not selfish, it does not get angry easy, it doesn't hold a grudge, it doesn't smile when bad things happen to other people, love is so happy in truth, it protects, it trusts, it hopes, it keeps going. It. Never. Fails."

As I think about the life our child will live, I realize that they will not always be shown love by other people. I realize that even church-going people will look at them and decide to have a certain attitude about them. I realize that kids are going mean, and that grown adults are going make the daily choice to stay ignorant and hateful. I realize that some people are always going to be unfair, and that some people are going to take out insecurities on other people. I realize they will face some of the same kinds of attitudes that I faced, and that they are going to face attitudes that I have never (and will never) experience. But I also realize that while we cannot choose what happens to us, we can choose our reactions, and we can choose where we go from there.

While we are in this time of waiting, I want to use it, not wish it away. I want to use it to practice loving. Because when our child comes home, I want to be able to walk along side of them as we learn what it means to love like Jesus does. I want to look at my fellow oars-men and say "Jesus loves me, so I love you". I want to be genuine with my love and not pride myself on how well I love people who are fun to love, but I want to be thankful for the chances to love people who I struggle with...because He loves me, and I'm pretty unlovable myself.

1 John 4:19 

"We love because He first loved us."

Good morning!

Good morning, friends. I unexpectedly have the day off work today, so I thought a good way to start my day is coffee, candles, and writing to you. Mike went to work early and I think we're going to spend our afternoon at the cider mill. Michigan really rocks at fall and we like to take it all in. Here's the scoop...

Adoption process front: we're creeping right along. Because of the status of Ethiopian adoptions right now (that status being real slow and not a lot of developments in when (if) it will speed back up), the wait time is longer than it has been in the past few years. As I sit here right now, typing and drinking coffee, my heart feels calm and patient. However, let's be real about it, that comes and goes! I always get a little tug on my soul when I hear of someone welcoming a new child into their family, but I think that's normal. I just try and keep myself in check and not let those feelings of sadness and jealously burrow into my heart and claim a spot. Being sad and anxious and jealous isn't going to make Ethiopia go any faster and it's not going to be make me a better wife or mommy. 

So, as I was driving home from running errands yesterday, I felt the Lord ask me to do something. It wasn't anything huge, it didn't require a lot of effort on my part...just a willingness to listen and obey, but I didn't want to do it. So I told Him that and kept driving. Guys, you know that little nagging spot in your heart that won't go away when you're blatantly ignoring something you should do? Yeah, I totally had that. It seriously would not go away. I tried to reason with Him, tried to ignore it, tried to change the subject...but it didn't make any difference, that feeling was still there. So, I just did what I felt Him asking...it took like 2 minutes. But it was so worth it. That nagging feeling was replaced with so much joy. And I had to stop and beg forgiveness because of my initial attitude towards what I was being asked to do. And I felt so thankful that I had listened because that joy was amazing.

Here's how I'm tying that in... A few months ago, I had someone ask me if I wish we had chosen another way to expand our family (domestic adoption or pregnancy, I would assume). I do not. I wish the process wasn't as long, but that's the only change I would want in this. Because I think if we had just pushed through and forced something else to happen, I would feel something was missing. I'm not saying that I would be miserable or that that child wouldn't be incredible, but I'm saying that I'm joyful in this process. Because this process is what the Lord asked of us...and He loves us. The joy I feel when I see tangible ways that He's continually providing for us with adoption funds is amazing. The joy I feel when I realize the timing in this for our marriage is exactly how it should be is so humbling. The quiet and settled joy I feel when I ask the Lord if this is where He wants us...I wouldn't want it any other way. 

So often, I feel like Christians don't feel like they should be feeling joy. That joy means they aren't doing something right - that we should constantly feel a very strange combination of both guilt and anger and that those things come from doing what He asks of us. But, I don't think that's right...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that following Jesus brings joy. And it's where I want to be. And it's where I want you to be. That's the truth I want to be able to share with our child as they are growing up. That's what I want them to see about what it really means to follow Jesus. When they look back on their life and how the Lord brought them to our living room, I want them to see the joy that was involved...even in the midst of tears and impatience. I want them to see that it's worth it. So that's where I'm choosing to live. 

Before I go, I want you to know how much it means to me when you ask me how our process is going. I want you to know how much it means to me when you tell me "I read your blog!" and that you're walking alongside of us. Both Mike and I are thankful for you...and we don't want you to ever forget it! Thank you, friends. We love you.