love.

There really isn't a whole lot to update about on our adoption process right now. We have some things on our checklist to complete (things like finishing up our education, and uploading documents). The next few weeks are pretty busy for Mike at work and we really want to be intentional about completing things together and really trying to learn as much as we can, so it might be a few weeks before everything is in for the final home study. 

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and as I walked into the kitchen to get a drink of water, I stopped by the spare bedroom. I'm always in awe that I'm going to be a mother because sometimes I feel like I'm still a little girl who is playing "house". As I stood in the doorway to our baby's future nursery, I couldn't help but pray "Thank you" and "Please help me" all at the same time. I have sensed the Lord working in my heart lately to ask Him to prepare my heart for the role of mommy. But, it's been in a way that has surprised me. He has been showing me that He loves me. Now, I know that that  may sound cliche', obvious, or ridiculous to you. But, to me, it's been life changing. 

I guess I have always viewed my relationship with the Lord as one that needed me to hold up my end of the things in order for Him to want to love me. And if I didn't hold my end, life would be difficult and it would be my fault. I thought I would just have to deal with the consequences of how things were going because I did something wrong. Please don't get me wrong here, there are consequences to our behaviors and our actions in life. But, where I was all wrong was where I thought I had to complete a list of tasks in a certain way to earn the Lord's time or favor. I was so wrong, and He has been so loving in the way that He has spoken to me that He loves me no matter what. He loved me before I loved Him. And I sure as heck didn't do ANYTHING to have Him love me. 

"This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." (1 John 4:10)

As the Lord is preparing me to be our baby's mommy, He is speaking to me as His child. Just as I will love to provide for our child, the Lord loves to provide for me. Just as I will do anything in order to be close to my child, the Lord has done EVERYTHING in order to be close to me. Just as I love to create a space for our child in our home, He has created a place for me. Just as our child doesn't have to do anything in order for me to love them, I didn't have to do anything in order for Him to love me. And there will be nothing our child will do to make me love them more or that will ever stop me from loving them, there is nothing I had to do to be loved by Him and He will never stop loving me.
 
The acknowledgement of His love has absolutely rocked my world these past two weeks. It causes me to stop and I just let is sink in: "He loves me". It takes so much pressure off of me, worrying that I shouldn't ask anything of Him because I really haven't been holding up my end and I don't deserve His time. He's never too busy to listen and to speak to me. He wants me to ask Him, He wants me to talk to Him about whatever it is that I'm feeling.

I don't know if you're still reading this, I know it's probably a lot of babble and things that you already know. But, it still amazes me. He loves me. And He loves you. I hope that I can show this love to our little babe...as much as I want to be the best mommy, I want even more for them to know about His love.

Pictures and Frames

I love pictures. I am actually surprised that I haven't done a picture post yet...let's fix that now.

I love that we can capture moments forever...

We are given the opportunity to be able to remember people just as they were when the picture was taken...

Our home is full of pictures...

I even have an entire wall dedicated to pictures. I really, really love pictures.

So, I love pictures. But there is one frame in our house, that sits empty as it's displayed. It's a frame that Mike got for me on Mother's Day, two years ago. It sits in our bedroom, in front of a little teddy bear that he gave me that same year. The bear is for our little babe. We'll bring it on our first trip and leave it with them. It'll smell like our home and hopefully bring a little comfort to them once we bring them home. The frame, is for me. It says "I prayed for this child", and it's empty. But, the emptiness of the frame looks like hope to me. It looks like a promise that is in process of being fulfilled. 

One day, it'll have a little face in there and I will probably post pictures of that! But, until then...it will wait in hope. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

(Romans 15:13) 

Home Study #2 recap

Hi. Our second home study was about 10 days ago and I have been waiting for the perfect time to be able to sit down and write about it. Throughout the week, I have been mentally writing and trying to remember all my thoughts and how God worked through it...I want to make sure I remember it all and write it all down.

So, I wrote in here, asking for prayers and for joy, and I brought my fears to the Lord. The "funny" thing about asking for prayer, is that then I need to remind myself that I need to relax my soul and enjoy the knowledge that the Lord hears my prayers. “Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs..." . 

The night before our home study, I went to bed asking God to just give me joy and peace about this home study. (I'm starting to cry a little, this might take a minute to write the way I want). Guys, He gave me the sweetest dream about our little babe. In my dream, we were getting to meet them for the first time...we were there, getting to hold them, hear them laugh, see their sweet little hands and feet, and talk to the care givers about them. They told us that our child's nickname was "Hoot" because of the laughter and joy that they bring to everyone around. It's pretty common that the Lord speak to me in my dreams (probably because it's when I listen the best!), and this dream was one of the most real dreams I have had. I remember the lighting in the room, the colors, the textures of the fabrics, the faces, the sounds, and even the smells. I woke up with a huge smile and so much joy..."and don’t forget to thank him for his answers.” (Philippians 4:6)

That joy stayed with all day. It's still here. We had the home study and it went great - no nerves, and we were even done earlier than our case worker thought we would be. The Lord answered my prayers, and your prayers, and He showed to me His glory. He showed me His love and His power and gave me peace that could only come from Him. I am in awe and incredibly humbled.

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”  “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” 

(Matthew 14: 22-33)

We have some education to do and we need to get physicals, and then we can set up our third (and final!) home study. One step closer every day. :-) Thank you for not hesitating to intercede for us in prayer...He is so good, and Mike and I are very thankful to have you walking along side of us. We love you all. <3

Second home study prayer request

Happy sunshine-y Sunday! Well, I guess depending on where you are, it may not be sunny (or Sunday) but here, it's so sunny and beautiful. I have all the blinds open and want so badly to open up the windows and get a breeze inside, but just because the sun is out, doesn't mean it's above freezing (which it definitely isn't)....open windows and blasting furnace doesn't really make a lot of sense to me right now. Maybe in a few weeks when it's not 25 degrees outside!

So this Thursday is our second (of three) home studies. The name "home study" is a little deceiving, because only the last of the three is here at our home.  They want to know about the home that the child will be in - which is more about Mike and I, then it is about the actual walls and floors of our house. The first two are at our adoption agency. This particular home study involves Mike and I each filling out a questionnaire with a Procter in the room (so we can't talk about our answers) and then we will each talk to our case worker individually about our questionnaire answers. Our case worker says this one will take about 4 hours, from beginning to end.

Truthfully, I'm a little apprehensive about it. I tend to have test anxiety. And I know that this isn't a test, there really aren't any right or wrong answers - it's just going to be asking about my life, my dreams, my opinions, my goals...but, it still feels little "test like" to me. In college, Mike and I could study together for the same exam and I would know all the answers, and then we would talk about the questions after the exam was over and I would be able to again give all the correct answers...then we would get our grades and he would get an "A" and I would get a "D".  I somehow develop amnesia while the exam is in front of me! It's insanely frustrating. And again, I know this isn't an exam and that they aren't looking for a certain answer, but it's still a little intimidating to me. I wish I could just blog for this one! (and now I'm laughing out loud because our poor case worker would have to put in major overtime to read everything!) 

So I'm asking for your prayers...prayers for peace and calm, and prayers that the Lord will keep this joy in my heart, and squash any anxiety, while answering the questions so that my focus stays where it should. Thank you, friends! I will, of course, let you all know how it goes. Much love.

Checking things off the list!

Last night we had "GATE" training (and in case you're wondering, "GATE" does not stand for "Gather All The Education", it stands for "Grief/Loss, Attachment and Trans-racial Education...I was wrong with my guess for what the letters all stood for, but at least I had one word right!).

On our drive there, I told Mike that I was excited to meet other people who, for the most part, are at the same point of the adoption process as we are. In order to have the third home-study, each couple has to take this GATE training, so every couple there was (for the most part) at the same point as we are (which is, ready to have the second home-study) (I feel like I'm using parenthesis a lot in this entry!) (For good measure). I digress. We know a few different couples who are adopting - but no one who is at the same point as us, so I was excited for this training.

I have really enjoyed how God has orchestrated this so far...I can honestly sit back with a smile on my face and count the different ways that He has provided encouragement to us. Most of the time, it is in ways that I NEVER would have imagined. Through people who are so amazingly, perfectly placed that there is no other way it would have worked out except by Him. Some examples: the epic garage sale was one of the most difficult and exhausting weekends I can remember, but through that, I have made some friendships that I cannot imagine not having. People who have been so generous with giving to us and each time, it comes when I am feeling so scared because I just cannot see how it is all going to work together. Friends who, at the perfect moment of feeling over my head, send me a note, or text, or message, to let me know that they are praying for us and for our child.  Each of you play a beautiful role in this story..."it takes a village", takes on a whole new meaning for me! So many people pouring out love to Mike and I, and to our sweet babe. I feel like I shouldn't be surprised at how He provides exactly what we need at the exact time we need it anymore, but I still am!

So, we got to our adoption agency last night and as soon as I walked into the room, I see my RA from my first year at Cornerstone and her husband. What?!?  How cool is that?? They are also adopting  from Ethiopia and are just finishing up their final home-study. God, You are the best. (I wish I could fist-pump God sometimes!) (Again with the parenthesis!)

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

(Matthew 6:26)

The training was actually really helpful to us...each of us jotted down notes and had a lot to talk about on the way home. They really wanted all of us to take in the reality of what adoption is and what it means, and why it is. They noted that most people focus on "Adoption is so beautiful", which it is, but at the same time, it happens because of a tragedy. Our sweet baby will have gone through more than I could ever imagine by the time we bring them home...and then they will have to try and adjust themselves to a new place, with new people, new sounds, new smells, and a new life that they didn't choose to start over. It is so heart-breaking...but, as the case workers pointed out, there is beauty in redemption. While there is loss, there is gain...a daddy and a mommy who have been dreaming about getting to hold them, an extended family who can't wait to meet them, unconditional love, a chance for things that might not have been possible before. It was a little overwhelming, to be honest, and I am again reminded to daily lift up our child to the Lord. To pray for their safety, to pray for their health, to pray that they might know love from the moment of conception, that the Lord's gentle peace will speak to their little heart and soul from the beginning. I pray for their mama, daddy, and caregivers - that He would bless them and call their names. I think it would be so cool to all meet up one day in Heaven and celebrate life!

I am truly so humbled to be experiencing all that I am experiencing! To be called to walk along this road, to experience such peace and joy, to be shown so much love, and to have the honor of praying for the people who will be there in the beginning of our child's life. They will have a part in our child's story that I won't get to be there for, and I will never be able to express my thankfulness for them.

So we continue to check things off our list! Next step: second home-study! 

It's time for an celebration update on our "Wee VanDrie"!

Mike and I are currently back in our favorite coffee house, and I am drinking the cutest mocha ever...it's a Valentine's themed one, raspberry, blackberry, and chocolate, and it has pink whipped cream and red sprinkles. Seriously? So cute. 

It's been almost a month since I last wrote in here and boy, do I have an update for you! We got the news last week, that Ethiopia announced that they were NOT planning on limiting or stopping adoptions from their country. You guys, the joy that filled my soul when I read that email was out of this world. I immediately started crying and texting! My hands were shaking so much that I had a really hard time texting the right words (and auto-correct wasn't helpful at all). The Lord answered our prayers and the doors to Ethiopia were not closing. Even now, as I sit here with my cute coffee, I get teary eyed over how wonderful it is. We have a training class next week, and got a few major items crossed off our "to do" list this week. It is an extremely satisfying feeling. With each task we do, I feel the love for our sweet child grow. How is it possible to love a little soul so much?? I have no idea what they will look like, I have no idea how old they will be, I have no idea when I will get to hold them in my arms...but, let me tell you what...I would do ANYTHING for this child. I get so excited thinking about them and dreaming about being a family of three - Daddy, Mommy, and our little one.

Experiencing such joy has been so wonderful...but it has also brought me to the realization that not everyone knows how to share joy. For the most part (the majority!), people have rejoiced with us. However, we have come across people who seem to find it important to remind us that everything can change in an instant - that our joy could be false and short lived. For example this conversation: "We just found out that Ethiopia isn't planning on limiting or closing adoptions!" and getting this response "Well that's good for now, but don't get too excited because nothing is certain and it could always change.". Or telling someone we are adopting and then immediately having to listen to a nightmare adoption story that they have heard. I know I'm not alone in this experience, because if you to just listen in on a conversation, you would probably hear something along the same lines. Well-meaning people who might be just trying to relate to whatever topic is at hand, but who end up taking a little piece of the other person's joy and happiness. And to be honest, I know that I am guilty of doing this exact thing - not wanting the other person to be hurt or disappointed if something doesn't work out, or even out of jealously at whatever news they are sharing. I'm so sorry about that...truly, from the depths of my soul, I'm so sorry. Because, sharing joy with someone is something so beautiful. I could not wait to tell you guys about our news...I enjoy sharing this part of our life with you and having you all walk alongside of us. And getting to share the joy of friends is also beautiful and wonderful. And hearing a "debbie downer" response is a little crushing.

I have been really reminded to experience THIS joy. Yes, everything could change as soon as I hit the "publish" button and the next entry you read could be written with tears and a broken heart, it's happened before...but, right now, in this entry, I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm going to choose to live out THIS blessing, and celebrate THIS victory. He has blessed us with this answer to prayer and that is worth celebrating!!

Mike and I live with the knowledge that He is in control. We desire that our lives show Him, and I do not believe that I would be showing you how beautiful and wonderful life with Him is, if I never celebrate and I never share my joy with you. Pessimism is often given the name of "realism", and in that, we lose any light or miss the miraculouness in the experiences that we have. This is not to say that we shouldn't share in each others grief and sadness, but I feel like we are more comfortable sharing in the hard times with people than we are in celebrating. 

I have really had my eyes opened to so many different things since we started our adoption journey, and I'm so thankful, even though the self-realization sometimes is more humbling than I care for. This past week, I have been reminded to celebrate with other people, to be joyful, to not think about the "what ifs" immediately after hearing good news, and to be thankful when prayers are answered. He is good...in all situations, He is good. Let's celebrate. :-)

Wisdom and hope.

I think there is a huge difference in someone who is "smart" and someone who is "wise". While smartness comes from the brain or memory, wisdom seems to come from the heart...from a deep acknowledgment about what is true. My Grandpa was wise (I'm not saying that he wasn't smart, but his wisdom is something I will always cherish about my memories of him). He had a settled calmness, that seemed to radiate out of him and it could make even the most arrogant person stop talking and really listen to what he was saying. He wasn't pushy or loud with what he was saying, he was gentle and he was loving...with a peace and understanding that I can only dream about having.

One of my aunts shared a memory with me about my Grandpa. It was during the evening, close to Easter, and they were sitting in the living room and talking - she, Grandpa, Gramma, and Charity. He said these words: "We have a tendency to think of 'hope' as in relation to a wish. But it's not. It's where God offers us to live."

Those words, that sentence, that truth, has been dancing around in my head and my heart the past few days. To be honest with you, since my last update here, I have been doing my best to NOT think about our adoption. I have been making the choice to not really acknowledge it because I don't want to get my hopes up, and then be disappointed again. (Before I go on, let me just say that the country is not closing to adoptions...but things might be changing that extends the wait time for families who are adopting from Ethiopia. Our adoption agency has said that while they have no new news yet, they are recommending that everyone continue on.) However, even with the knowledge that we are to  continue on as we were, I found myself closing my heart a little. No one likes a broken heart and I found myself deciding to close down in case something changed.

When someone would ask about what was going on, I would almost always say these words "I hope it all works out, we'll see". "Hope"...as in relation to a wish. "I hope so!" I might as well have been crossing my fingers or carrying a rabbits foot or not stepping on a crack or steering clear of black cats who might try and walk in front of me. But as I was running errands last week, the Lord brought Grandpa's wisdom to my mind...it was almost like I could see it. "Hope is where God offers us to live." 

Real hope is different that what I had been portraying. Hope is not a wish, it is a place where the Lord offers us to live...to stay...to be. Hope is a place where I acknowledge that what I want may not happen, but where I realize that He is lovingly in control. The Lord is offering me to live in a place of calmness, not in a place of waiting for the other shoe to drop, bag in hand and ready to run.

The Lord asked me then "Natalie, do you have hope?" and my first thought was "Yeah God, of course - duh". But then, He gently reminding me of where my heart was - I was choosing to put our adoption in the back of my mind...my frame of mind was "I'm not going to get my hopes up". UGH...okay, maybe not so much God.  "Natalie...I'm offering you real hope - true hope...not a wish" 

I just sat there, in the car, for a few minutes after the realization of where my heart had been. (ps: one of the most amazing things about God, is that when He reveals where my heart has been, He doesn't say "Haha, now just sit there and think about what you've been doing wrong, you jerk", He says "I love you, let's keep going") Just as I chose to not think about our adoption, I am now going to choose to remember what He showed me.

I'm choosing to have hope. Real hope. I'm not wishing about wishes that everything works out the way I want it too. I'm choosing to live in hope, even when I don't feel like and when it would be "easier" to worry about things. (Which, can be pretty often). I'm choosing to remind myself to let Him speak to my heart and remind me that He has put this passion in our lives for a reason and that He isn't a mean God who gives us passions and then leaves us hanging. He offers real hope to us...a place to stay forever. That's where I want to stay.

I promise to keep you all updated when we find out if anything is changing. But, until then, we're going to keep on going! Please remember us in your prayers...please pray for us to remember what is true. Please pray for the Lord to keep providing all we do need and will need...and please pray for the country of Ethiopia, as they discuss and talk. Thank you, friends...we love you.