"Maybe you'll get lucky..."

Baby shopping. I've started and I can't seem to stop...nor do I really have the desire to stop. I love it. I love to walk through the baby aisles. I like to plan (as you all know, haha!) and dream and make decisions as to what we want to have for our baby. It's almost too exciting for me sometimes, actually! :-) My sister gave us a mobile for the nursery and my parents saved my baby crib and highchair for when we visit. Baby things are exciting!

People are talkative in the baby sections of stores...making suggestions and telling stories of their experiences of certain products. They tell me who/what they are shopping for and ask about me. I always say "my husband and I are adopting". Most of the time, we get "Oh, good for you!" or "How exciting!" or something along those lines.

However, that's not always the response. We are finding that once some people hear of our adoption, instantly our fertility becomes acceptable to ask about. We have heard this "Oh, you're a you adopting - can't you have your own children?", "Did you try in vitro?", "I could never adopt, there are too many screwed up/sick kids out there", "Maybe you'll get lucky and get pregnant, then you wouldn't have to adopt".

Growing up, my dad always told me to "shred my tongue" when I feel the need to tell the person in front of me what I am truly thinking about something I disagree with. Stop and pray for grace to be in my heart and words. I find myself putting that advice into play when I hear comments like that. Once upon a time, I thought international adoption was for other people. I don't understand what other people are passionate about, all the time. The Lord gives different passions and callings to everyone...it's beautiful, if you stop and think about it. If everyone had same passion - nothing else would ever get done. Adoption is not for everyone. Everyone is not going to understand and not everyone feels like I do. That's okay, it really is. My goal in life has never been to do what everyone else is doing or to make sure everyone understands my actions. My goal in life is to follow what I feel the Lord calling me to do. He is the One who makes my heart beat and the One who puts air into my lungs, He is the One who created me with the passions that I have and the One I want to serve. He is. 

Adoption is not our second choice. Have we given birth to a child, no. But, is this a reaction to that? No. We want to adopt. I've known this is what I was called to do since since I was a child. We know this is the path that the Lord has asked us to travel and we are JOYFULLY traveling down that path. We have no regrets. If we conceive and give birth to a child one day, that's great. But, I am not hoping for that. It's not something I have a strong desire for. It's not something I will be sad about if it never happens. Our baby is not less ours because he or she doesn't share our DNA. This is not is second choice. "Maybe you'll get lucky...". We already are.

...feeling blessed...

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

(Luke 2:19)

 

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you. This blog has become like a diary to me, and the thought of everyone in the world knowing about my innermost thoughts and fears made me feel so vulnerable and I went back and forth all night before finally pushing that "post" button on Facebook. I'm sure Mike would back me up when I say that I was having a little (and by that I mean, A LOT) of anxiety about it. I was seriously almost crying. But, I am so thankful I shared it. All of your kind words, your prayers, your congratulations have brought be to tears! Mike and I are both so humbled by it - our God is SO good. I actually had a hard time sleeping the first few nights after posting it on Facebook because my heart was so full. There is no other way to describe how I felt. Although our baby is an "orphan", he or she is already loved. 

"...my cup runneth over..."

(Psalm 23:5)

A few months before my Granpa Eddlemon died, he showed Mike and I a card that his brother had sent him. I think it was a birthday card. Inside, his brother had expressed his thanks for my Granpa's kind and gentle spirit and for his wisdom and love. Granpa looked at us as said "That's the Lord he sees - that's not me. I'm not those things, but He is." That moment has been engraved in the hearts of both Mike and myself. That's what we want everyone to see - we want you to see Him in this journey. The Lord is the writer and conductor of this beautiful piece of music. To HIM be the glory. In all the ups and downs, may He be seen in what we do. We just want to be faithful...the only thing we are doing in this whole process is doing what we feel Him asking us to do. That's it. We're not doing anything great and wonderful. We doubt, and we're scared, and we question how it's all going to work, and we do not have it all together. We're just following Him. So, anything good you see in our lives and in our story, that's not us...we are not those things. But, He is. He always will be. 

...(soli deo gloria) from Russia to Ethiopia

Natalie has wanted me to post on this blog for a while.  For a multitude of reasons I have not.  However, now I am feeling led to share some of my perspective of this journey.



Here is a sign which hangs in our office/library/spare bedroom.  Ryanne, a friend of Natalie and I, made this a few years ago for us.  For those of you who do not know Latin, this just means "Glory to God Alone"




For those of you who do not know, I am a very practical person.  I like to ask the question "why" and truly I am surprised my parents did not kill me for asking this question.   That being said, this great theological phrase is great to talk about, however it is even more amazing to see played out in person.

I have struggled in explaining to people how positive I am God called Natalie and I to adopt from Russia, even if the country remains closed.  That being said, I do not know the reason why God called us to adopt to Russia if the doors were going to close even before we were able to adopt.  I have some guesses, they may be true or they may be totally wrong.  One thing I do know is we still pray for a child in Russia, "our child". The other thing I know is Russia was the last on the list of places we wanted to adopt from, maybe God wanted us to be okay with any place, even if it was the last place we wanted to adopt from.  The other thing I know is, God is using this adoption process all for His glory.  Sometimes even with that being said, I wonder if I heard God's voice, the enemy feeds me the line that I did not hear right the first time and for sure am not hearing correctly this time.  Yet, when I look at Scripture I see stories where God clearly tells someone to do something, they are faithful, and then God tells them to stop.  I read the story of Abraham and Isaac and I am encouraged.  God really did call Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and before Abraham actually sacrificed Isaac, God stopped Abraham and provided a ram.  I don't get why God sometime chooses to do this and I am fine with it.

All that being said, do I feel like God is calling us to adopt from Ethiopia? Yes.  Do we feel as though we will be bringing home a child this time?  Yep.  Does it still take faith? Yep.

The amazing thing for me is my faith has been developed by leaps and bounds.  I can't figure out how all of this is going to happen.  Those of you who know me, know I like to be in control, I am what you might call a control freak.  In this process I have had to learn to let go, God has been gracious to me in that.  I look at what Natalie has posted and I almost laugh at my inability to make this happen.  And you know what, that is a great thing.  When this is all said and done and we bring home the most awesome, adorable child, it will not be by my doing.  Rather, God, the One who is in control of all, will have made this happen and He alone will be glorified.

It would be a lie to say I am not nervous.  However, I am so excited to see what God is about to do.  I am ready for Him to blow the lid off of what I and those around me think about Him and I am excited to see how He brings glory to His name.  Soli Deo Gloria.

 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress

(1 Timothy 4:15)

 

Well, they say that "today nothing is official until it's Facebook official" (I'm not actually sure who "they" are in this situation, but you know what I mean). So, after I'm done writing this, it's going up on Facebook.

I'm not sure why this is making me as nervous as it is. Actually, that's not true - I  totally know, but to type it and see it in a font isn't so nice. I'm nervous to tell "the world" because I cannot guarantee a certain ending to this. I have my hopes of bringing our baby home and living happily ever after, but if you can take the time to read the previous entries, I have learned that all I really want is for God's name to be glorified. And it will be. He promises this.

We're on the journey to adopt from Ethiopia. It's scary and it's exciting. We are starting the process of the paperwork (side-note: I saw a pin on Pinterest today that said "No morning sickness, but the paper-cuts are terrible" and it is extremely true), saving our dollars, and (like my last post said) watching the Lord provide. Example of this: the same day that I wrote my last post, someone told us that they want to give monthly until our baby is home.

 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." 

(Matthew 6:34)  

If you think of it, remember us in your prayers. Pray for our journey, for our marriage, for our baby's health and safety, for our baby's birth mother and for his or her caregivers - our prayer is that they know the Lord and His merciful protection. Please pray for continual provision and that our lives represent the One we live for. 

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. 

(Philippians 1: 9-11)

 

We feel God asking us to adopt from Ethiopia and we are willing and excited. So now what? This is a very raw, and honest post for me...read at your own risk, but I need to be honest...and to see my darkest thoughts, to bring them to the light. God is bigger than my pride.

 At a leadership meeting at church, Sunday night  we shared what we had been praying about and where God is leading. We are BLESSED to have such encouraging people in our lives. People who will lay hands on us and pray for our journey, for Mike and I, for our baby, for our baby's mother and caregivers. People who already love our baby. They are excited for us and to be able to walk alongside of us as we travel down this path. 

After we shared, someone asked "so do you have a plan for the cost" (which is a fair question!). Ethiopia is about $33,000 (where Russia was over $50,000). Since the Lord stopped our process with Russia, we still have the money we had saved for that - amazing! When we submit our formal application and other paperwork, we are to pay about $3600. We don't have that money yet. So, to answer the question of "plans for cost" - we don't have a plan. 

Now, before you freak out and decide we are being lazy and flippant about this, let me explain something to you. This whole journey was not my plan. If I were to write out a timeline for my life (which, if you know me - sounds like something I would do)- international adoption would not be on it. (and if you've been reading this blog so far, you know that already). I don't have a plan because this is not my plan. I don't know how to plan for something that I don't understand fully. (Stay with me - I know this sounds awful). 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I did not plan this - God did. His plans are better than mine. If this journey hadn't been started, I would not have been able to see the amazing ways the Lord has already shown Himself to us. I would not have experienced Him in the way I have. Now, I'm not saying that planning is wrong - the Lord created the Earth with structure and saw that it was good. Faith calls for action. However, the Lord has said to us "Let me work". 

Honestly, it stresses me out...a lot. I love to make a list and get a sick happiness from crossing things off as I do things to complete the task. I love have a plan and to make things happen in order to complete the plan.. And it's pride...I can admit it. The deepest, darkest place in my heart says this: "So you're going to tell people that God called you to adopt, that it's expensive, and then just wait? You need to work for this and just be quiet about the financial part. Don't talk money. It's uncouth". I fight this daily...multiple times a day. The prideful, dark place in me wants to say "We don't need this. We'll figure it out somehow and that way we don't owe anyone anything". (Told you, honest and raw...I can feel that my face is flushed just writing it...stay with me). I have NO PROBLEM sacrificing in my personal life to make this happen. I would be so embarrassed to think that what's going on in my life, might cause someone else to sacrifice in their life. I'm like a 2 year old..."I can do it!". I don't want to ask for help.

Originally, we felt a call to Russia. It was a difficult call to listen too. It didn't make sense. But, after praying we felt that we had to follow. We got excited, and then the door closed. We thought I was supposed to go to get my Master's, but God had a different plan and I ended up changing jobs. All these things keep not happening like I thought they would. We felt a certain call, we decide to follow, I make plans...and then the Lord stops us. I think I'm starting to feel a little indignant...doesn't God know that I had a plan?? I get embarrassed that I can't control things. I get angry...I feel like God is playing a trick on me. I feel like I have to make excuses for why things didn't happen like I thought they would. I like a plan.

The temptation to "have it all together" is very real. The temptation to make a plan and force things to happen my way, is SO real for me. I have to call on the Lord's grace and mercy constantly to help me fight this. Because, the Lord is saying "watch me work". Somehow, I guess, I just think that He needs me to bring everything together. I guess I assume that He is going to tell me where He wants me, and then expect me to figure out how to get there by myself..that He will be waiting for me there, watching the time impatiently and telling me what I should have done differently to get there. But, that's not that's not the God I serve. That is not Who He is. It's not. He is not mean, He is not ungracious, He is not a jerk. He is here with me as I write this, probably smiling at how much it hurts my pride to be so honest about it. He is gentle. He is good. He is the One who provides. 

So there it is...my innermost thoughts and my struggles. God is saying "watch me work" and, as weird as it may seem to say, I am going to have to force myself to be still and know. To relax and not have a plan for everything. To be willing to do what I feel Him asking me to do to bring the funds in, even if "that's not the way I would do it". To let others come alongside of us and support us in every way. I am willing to sacrifice in our lives and to do fundraisers or whatever it takes. But, I am also willing (some days more than others) to watch Him work.

I just deleted what I was going to end this post with...it was an apology. But, I'm not sorry...I don't have it all together. I struggle with pride and control. I struggle with being still. I struggle with understanding how this is going to all work. I can't pretend that I don't. My goal is that through my life and through this journey, God's name will be made great. That my life points to Him. So please, as you read this blog...look to Him. Know that He is gracious and good and patient and merciful and everything that I am not. He is. He has saved me from myself...and He will do the same for you. Where I am weak, He is strong. I put my trust in Him. So, no matter the outcome of this...I believe in Him...in His plan, and that (in spite of me!) His plan will happen and His name will be praised.

This past weekend was Mother's Day. I can't lie to you...I have been watching this day come closer all year with a mixture of hope and dread. Weird, huh? Those things don't seem like they should be felt at the same time, but they were. Hope because I know God is working His plan. Dread, because I want our baby home and on a day that celebrates Motherhood and children, my arms feel so empty. 

We spent the weekend with my family in Canton and on Sunday, went to church with my parents and Grandma. The pastor's sermon was (of course) on Mother's Day. He spoke of the story of Moses. He talked about how Moses was able to spend time with his mother after Pharaoh's daughter found him in the basket on the Nile. He spoke about how that's where children should be - feeling love with their families and how a mother's love and protection are to be celebrated. He was not wrong with what he said. But, he missed a huge part of the story that I find to be so beautiful. Moses was supposed to be killed when he was born because he was a male child. But, his mother chose life for him. His mother chose to turn her child over to the Lord and created a safe basket for him, and trusted the Lord would protect, and sent him down the Nile River. Pharaoh's daughter found the tiny baby and then she chose life. She knew he was to be killed, but she chose life. Two mothers chose life for one little baby, and that little baby saved his people. What a blessing to my soul, as I sat there in the pew, not really listening to the sermon but listening to God speak to me. I prayed for our sweet child's birth mother, thanking the Lord that she has/is going to choose life for our baby. I prayed that she does/will know the Lord and that I will be able to know her one day.

After church, we went out to eat and another blessing was waiting for me there. A precious woman who has offered me so much encouragement with her story of adoption from Russia was there with her children. She got up to hug me, and we quickly caught up. Her words were "This is a hard day for you, isn't it?". I couldn't help my tears...the gentle understanding of another mother who knows what I couldn't speak in words was refreshing  She, too, mentioned that she has spent the morning thanking God for mothers that chose life for her children. As we left the restaurant, I felt peace in my soul. SV, thank you. The Lord used you so mightily that day through our quick 5 minutes of conversation. 

This song has been making me cry since I first heard it. I don't think Phillip Phillips meant for it to be about adoption, but I am going to decide to take it that way. A relationship between us and our child, but also the Lord and our little family. 

Home

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

I know I've been slacking a bit (okay, a lot) on keeping this blog update. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to write because things are constantly changing and the Lord is re-arranging the plans that I thought I could help Him make. ;-) 

In February, I felt the Lord preparing my heart for a change of jobs. It was scary, exciting, and overwhelming. I thought I was going to be heading to graduate school for a Masters in Counseling, but it was not possible to ignore this leading towards another job. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to wait once I know something is going to happen. "Okay, God is calling me to another job - let's start tomorrow." Well, through LOTS of prayer, impatience, and tears, He led me to a job as a Home Aide for an Elderly care community. It's a non-profit and I love it. I know this is where He was calling. 

When we put our adoption process on hold, my job was one of the reasons why. It was stressful, time consuming and I did not want to bring a child into our family when I was in a job that seemed to consume me like that. The Lord led me to another job that is life-giving. We felt that God was calling me back to school - I finished my last class 3 weeks ago. We wanted to make sure that we had the proper health benefits if I were to leave my job - Mike was able to get benefits through the job he started last August. We felt Him saying "wait" and as we were waiting, the country of Russia closed for adoptions. We were confused, and angry, and sad, and scared - but we waited.

The past few months, I have felt a little "nudge" in my soul. I started praying about that "nudge". Russia obviously isn't an option for an adoption right now...so what direction was my "nudge" pushing me? I've been praying and asking Mike to pray, and we think we might be being "nudged" towards Ethiopia. So, we are prayerfully moving forward. 

I'd be lying to you if I were to write this without admitting that I'm a little (sometimes a lot) hesitant about it. We were SO sure about Russia....what's to say that Ethiopia won't be stopped too? What if I'm making this all up, but the Lord's plan is for Mike and I to never become parents? What if something happens? What if ______? What happens when ______? What about _____? I struggle with doubt and with skepticism and with fear. 

However, in the middle of my moments of doubt and fear, I am always reminded (note: "reminded" don't mean forced to listen, because sometimes I choose to wallow in fear and doubt) that in the beginning of our adoption journey, our goal was that the Lord's name be glorified and that everything points to Him. So, with that in mind...we are going where we feel the Lord is calling. Which, appears to be Ethiopia. While the country has changed, our goal in this has not. May His name be glorified....may all who read/hear/watch our story see Him and know why we are on wild journey. 

So, here we go. He is always faithful. Always.