I just went back and re-read my last post...and sat here in amazement after...amazed at the Lord's sovereignty. (Not sure why His Goodness and Sovereignty still surprise me, slow learner, I guess). 

In October, Mike and I felt the Lord telling us to wait. He showed me a dream of a big, closed, iron door - the door to Russia. And we felt Him nudging me towards school. We decided that our only option was to continue to follow where we felt Him leading, even if it didn't make sense. Why call us to something like Russia and get us all excited about it, and then say "Actually, just wait". It was frustrating and sad and scary...BUT, I would rather live His way then try and do it my own way. So, we put our adoption process on hold and switched gears.

A Master's in Counseling might be in the future. But, first I needed to finish up one course for my minor at Cornerstone. The "nudge" we were feeling for me going back to school seems to be pointing directly towards that class right now. After that, who knows...we think "grad school", but the Lord might have another plan. I found the class I needed...located conveniently across the street from our house!

Mike was able to get Health Benefits from LPC and I was able to cut down my hours at work - making sure that I had adequate time to study and keep up on things at home. But, we found out in December that my dream wasn't only because I was to pursue school. In December, the country of Russia passed a law that banned US adoption. The door to  Russia literally closed. 

I cried a lot about it. Heartbroken for all those children, all those families - our own included, and really feeling like I lost my baby. Mike and I prayed for our sweet little Russian baby all the time and I had (still have) a hard time realizing that wasn't going to happen. I wish I could tell you that I wasn't angry about it, but that would be a lie. I was angry. 

But, once again, the Lord was patient with His child. He held my heart and told me to keep praying for our sweet baby. Even if I never get to hold her, I believe there is a baby there and I am claiming her salvation in faith and believe He will reveal Himself to her throughout her life and that one day, I will meet her. I know it sounds crazy...but I cannot withhold this from our story. Our God is bigger than anything I can see or fathom. 

So, we are praying for the Lord to continue to work His plan for our family. We pray that the Lord will soften hearts and the country of Russia will open again. We pray that He will continue to make our ears and hearts and eyes sensitive to His leading. As of right now, we have not felt a strong calling to another country, but if He calls - we most definitely will go. I kind of feel that Russia was such a huge leap of faith for us, that any other country now seems like a piece of cake, haha. All part of His plan, I'm sure. 

Life is not a race, it's a marathon. I don't want to miss anything that's happening now because I'm yearning for the future. Each of our days are FULL of blessings and miracles. <3

Noah built a huge boat in a drought, Gideon chose his men by how they drank their water, Joshua walked around a building for days, Moses talked to a burning bush, Joseph and Mary were told about their child by an angel and experienced a virgin birth, and Abraham prayed for years for a child only to be told to sacrifice him on an alter.   "The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?" (Proverbs 20:24)

A few weeks ago, I had a weird dream. I was standing on the steps of a building and in front of me was a huge door. It was closed. I knew that on the other side of that door, was Russia. In my dream I stood there looking at the door and thinking "But my baby is on the other side of that door". I woke up a little confused, not sure if the dream meant anything or if it was just a dream. I shared it with Mike and we both decided to pray about it, asking that if the dream was supposed to mean something, that the Lord would let us know. "He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds." (Job 33:15)

Throughout our marriage, Mike has said that I should think about going back to school for a Master's in Counseling. I, however, don't think so. It costs lots of money, we're already in debt from college, and it doesn't really sound like something that makes sense for
us...especially lately since we're trying to save for our adoption. Since we had a few months every year of unemployment, it was always something that really wasn't "do-able". Well, the Lord led us to  Holland and showed us that His plan was to have Mike work with Lakeshore Pregnancy Centers. It provides a steady income, year round and we know it's what God has
been preparing him for. Since Mike has gotten this job, he's mentioned it a few more times but I haven't been able to brush it aside. It been like a little gnat flying around my ear while I try to sleep. So I started to pray about and have felt that maybe Mike's been right. But
something hasn't felt finished with it all yet.
 

Before the alarm went off this morning, I was awakened by the need to pray about my future. So I did, asking that the Lord be obvious to me about what He wanted with school, work, and adoption.

I couldn't focus at all to what the pastor was saying in church, completely consumed with asking God what He was doing and trying to figure out what He was saying. By the end of service, I was pretty sure of what He was saying...I thought it was saying "I want you to pursue school", but was struggling with the "how" and "what about the baby". I decided to pray specifically for a few things...things like health benefits, a different job (My current job is extremely draining and I do not feel that it is where God is calling me to stay), and asked Him to help me understand the details of the adoption. I also asked God that He talk to Mike individually about the same things.

We went to lunch afterwards, and I told Mike about thinking that God's "ringing the school bell" for me. He was excited, trying to encourage me and saying that we'll start praying together, as well as continuing to pray individually for the means to this. I had been thinking about that closed door...wondering if this is the answer to the prayers for clarification that we had asked for. But, I didn't say anything to Mike about it.

After lunch we went grocery shopping and came home. Later, Mike came into the living room and said "I think the Lord told me the meaning of your dream. I think maybe the door is closed because you are supposed to go back to school first."

God answered my prayers...and truthfully, my heart is a little broken. Not because I don't want to go back to school, but because I'm having a hard time with the fact that it might be another 2 years before our baby is home. I know that even if we were fully pursuing adoption right now, it could still take 2 years...I know that this means that she isn't ready to come home yet...I know that it's only 2 years..."And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).  I know these things. When I realized that He was saying "Russia", my prayer was that "no matter what, His name be glorified." I said I wanted to do what He wanted me to do...to go where He wanted me to go...and I told Him that I was willing. Well...here's where the rubber meets the road, I guess.
 

Mike and I will continue to pray specifically about health benefits and my job situation. And I guess, we'll just see what God has planned. Please pray with us.  My whole life story wouldn't be what I had planned for myself, but His plans are greater than mine and I'd rather trust Him than myself.

 "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.^" The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,to the one who seeks him;  it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. 
(Lamentations 3:21-26)

These verses were read at church this morning, and I couldn't stop thinking about how it applied so much to how we're feeling about our adoption. His mercies never fail...during all of our tearful prayers of asking for a child, He had this planned. We felt the call to be parents...great is His faithfulness. Never in a million, trillion years did we think we would pursue a Russian adoption, but we already love a sweet face that we haven't seen. Our hope is in Him.

The story of Elijah was also read this morning...

 "...the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command.  Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.” 

(1 Kings 18:36-37).

  
This really "got" me too...Mike and I desire to be faithful with our lives and our marriage - and He has called us towards this adoption. It is our prayer that through this journey of adoption, people's eyes are drawn towards the Lord. We want people to know that He is God. I feel that each and every little step in this journey should be shared because this journey is amazing. It doesn't make "sense" for us to Internationally adopt...especially from the most expensive country. Each and every dollar saved or given is a miracle. Every person we connect with, each story we hear, everything we learn and experience is because of Him. This journey is for His glory. He has grown a love for a precious Russian baby that we don't know...His plan has become the desire of our hearts. And we get to experience this! We get to see the Lord provide...we get to see Him change hearts, as He has already changed ours...we get to become a family of 3. It amazes me...

Today was the first day of the Holland Farmer's Market and I couldn't help but daydream the whole time. Thinking about when we'll be able to push a stroller downtown, get him or her a little drink from our favorite coffee shop, spend the day together. Sweet daydreams that I cannot wait to live out. I think about our baby all the time...so thrilled that the Lord has called us to this...so in love already....

I'm having a hard time knowing how to start this post because I don't want to my writing to take away from any of the amazingness (spell check doesn't like that word, but I do so I'm leaving it) of the events of this past Wednesday night. I've been trying to write this entry since Thursday!


Mike and I are so blessed to be a part of a church that not only supports adoption and foster care, they are making it a priority to encourage and support those of us that are feeling called to adopt or do foster care. So this past Wednesday night, a group of 50 or so gathered to pray and ask the Lord to continue to lead, to make paths clear, and for His blessing. Mike went right as it started, but I had a meeting at work so I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. 

As my meeting was ending, I checked the time and saw that if I went to church, I would only be there for the last 15 minutes so I decided to just head home. But, as I was driving, I felt the Lord telling me to go to church. So I went (and I'm so thankful I did!). After a few minutes of praying, the pastor asked if everyone who was adopting/fostering/feeling the Lord call them to stand and let everyone else know how God was working and how He was calling them. It was a strange sort of wonderfulness to say out loud "we're adopting". Almost like it made it more official or something. Then, those of us standing went to the front of the church and everyone else gathered around us, laying hands on us and praying specifically. Our sweet friend, Nancy prayed over us...asking the Lord to continue to lead, that He would provide, and that He was encourage. 


I "know" the Lord provides and answers prayer, yet sometimes (most times) I find myself very shocked when it happens. (You'd think I'd learn). But, what happened after we were done praying was so amazing, I had a hard time believing it was really happening! A woman who we had seen at church before, but had never spoken to came up to us. She said "Okay, this is weird. But, I have $250 that God wants me to give to you. Will you follow me to the bank?". It was incredible. God not only answered prayer, He did less that 5 minutes after Nancy prayed for it! 


So, Mike and I followed her to the bank, and then right there in the parking lot, we prayed with her and her children. She prayed for us, so excited that the Lord was asking her to help us and prayed for our child. It was so humbling. As she was blessing us, she was thanking the Lord. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. God is faithful...He is Good...and He is continuing to orchestrate this amazing, beautiful song.

We opened a savings account this weekend for our adoption. The amount the Lord blessed us with last Wednesday, was half of the application fee for our adoption agency. <3. We are blessed.

Our baby's Auntie Merner and I started a Pinterest board a little bit ago filled with cute baby things and ideas, and she recently posted a picture of a crib with this quote stenciled on the wall above it: 

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still MIRACULOUSLY my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it." 

It's so beautiful and (of course) made me cry. Absolutely perfect. Thank you, Merner! It's perfect!! <3

To be honest, when I first made this blog public I was nervous...and a little anxious. Once something is on the internet, it's forever on the internet! My mind was (and since I'm being honest, I'll admit that it still is) filled with hesitation. "What if the adoption doesn't end up happening? We'll look so foolish." "People might not understand." "Did the Lord really say what I think I heard?" But, so far, Mike and I have received nothing but support and encouragement from those we have shared this with. I am beyond humbled and so thankful for that. I love that this child will come into our life with so many people already loving him or her. What a blessing! And for me to know that my child and those that will be in his or her life are already being covered in prayers for love, safety, and protection brings tears to my eyes and such joy to my heart. Our child is already so blessed by you.

While we've been so blessed by others so far, I have to realize that not everyone will agree, or like, or support us. I realize that some may have their own opinions. Stepping out in faith is scary and while I would love to give a specific time line with facts and details and guarantee a specific outcome, I cannot. The only thing I can guarantee is that His name will be glorified. This is the Lord's plan...I definitely would not have planned this!  Mike and I want to be faithful to Him and some may not understand. That's okay. I can't make someone understand or even agree. The only thing that I can do is be faithful. To do what He's asking me to do, and to go where He's asking me to go...which apparently is Russia. :-) 

 After realizing that the Lord was directing us towards Russian Adoption, we found a picture frame at a local store in downtown Holland. It says "I prayed for this child." It's sitting on our bedroom dresser and I cannot wait until there is a sweet little face in that frame. <3


"Adoption is a redemptive response to a tragedy that happens in this broken world. And every single day it is worth it because adoption is God's heart (Kisses from Katie) Thank you, Jess...this quote is perfect!