A post for a Wednesday afternoon...

This post is a melting pot of a lot of thoughts, and they do not directly relate to our adoption process, but these thoughts are what the Lord is teaching me and how He is showing me Him. So, I guess in a way it is about our adoption because it's where I am.

I'm going do to my best to make it all make sense, but if you can't quite follow along, I totally understand and offer my sincerest apologies. (Mind you, I don't apologize enough to not post though, haha). Okay, here we go...

The year 2009 (especially the fall season) was, by far, the worst year (season) of my life. I remember crying when the ball dropped, welcoming in 2010, because I was SO glad that the previous year was over. My oldest cousin, Charity, had been diagnosed with metastatic melanoma two years before, and the Lord chose to bring her Home in August. Then, 5 weeks later, our Granpa also went Home. Mike and I were really struggling, trying to figure out where the Lord was calling us and why things seemed so scary and unknown. We were in the desert, for sure - clinging on (with only our fingertips sometimes) to the hope that He would show us where He wanted us to be. It was a very, very lonely year for me.

On Sunday, our pastor talked about healing. Part of the way through the service, I felt the Lord telling me to listen to Him. He reminded me of a story that my aunt (Charity's mom) shared at Charity's memorial service. She had found Charity crying in the shower one day. Concerned that she was hurting, she asked if everything was alright. Charity's answer was this: I'm afraid the Lord won't be able to use me. While fighting against with this heartless disease, her desire was to be used by Him...that her life would show His glory, no matter what happened. And my Granpa was the first to tell anyone that any good that people saw him wasn't him, it the Lord. Two beautiful lives that changed mine.

(Okay, this is where it might get messy...I'm trying to formulate words and thoughts and still process everything). What the Lord has been speaking to me this week, it is that it's not about me. (ugh, my pride is aching as I look back and read that on the screen and know that I will publish this). It is extremely easy for me to think that life is about me. That this adoption is about our family. I feel like I should not have struggles because doesn't God see that I'm busy trying to do what He asked me to do, and why can't things go faster like I think they should? However, as He so gently reminded me...it's not about me. And as I think about how it's not about me, I realize that I am SO blessed to be on this exact journey. To see how the Lord changed my heart, to experience His provision. (And speaking of His provision: our "cousin in law" Cheryl is hosting a Thirty One party at her house and online tomorrow and called me to tell me that she wants the proceeds to go to our adoption. He is so good and I am so thankful). I get to see how He is bringing Mike and I closer than we thought possible and how He is preparing us, and our marriage, to become parents to the sweetest little baby.  I see how He led and how He was there, even when I wasn't sure.

I truly want Him to use my life for His glory. No matter what is going on, I want to point to Him. Whether it's easy, whether it's scary, whether I'm hurting, or rejoicing, or just being still - I want people to see Him. I want this whole adoption process to point people to Him. It's not only about becoming a family of three, it's about God's plan and what He wants to do, what He is doing, and what He has done.

This post has taken much longer to write than it probably should have and I'm not even sure it makes sense to any of you. Sometimes, I feel like these posts are all the same: I struggle and God is good. But, that's pretty much the way my life is...but truthfully, that's how I want it. More of Him, less of me.