Standing (with shaky knees) on the promises of God

First off: I wish that instead of talking to people, I could just write everything I wanted to say...sentences come so much easier to me and I find that my words don't get as jumbled and mixed up as when I talk...it's easier to focus on trying to make a point when I type. Granted, I'm sure that the "backspace" button here and the ability to double check that everything makes sense before I publish it has a lot (or everything) to do with it. Anyway...

The title of this post is my current state of mine, soul, and heart right now. I believe this is what we are to be doing. BUT, it's big and scary and overwhelming. (That's not new news, is it?) The devil has been working overtime to try and convince me to give up. But, I'm standing... Here's what's been going on:

We opened an account at the bank for the baby after a woman at our church came to us and said "God wanted me to give you this money for your adoption". Since then, we have been slowly adding to it and have been blessed by some beautiful souls have been willing to donate monthly until we bring our baby home.You all know how much I have ( still do) struggle with the financial part of our adoption. The Lord has said "watch me provide". So, I must hold to that.

This past Sunday, I brought a client to her church. During the service, I started praying about life...and especially about our adoption, asking for clarity and guidance. I felt the Lord say to me "Take it to Moran (our church) and wait". So, that's what I felt I had to do.

I sent out a text to a few of you this morning, asking for prayer. After work, I stopped by the church and the pastor was still there. I explained what was going on (not very eloquently though...thus the reason for the first paragraph of this post!) and I just kinda laid it all out there. We prayed, lifting up our baby and the whole process up to the Lord. There was no brilliant light that started to shine, there was no rich person who walked into the room after we said "amen" and handed me a check, there was no writing on the wall telling me the exact way this will happen. But, there was (is) His promise.

He has a great plan and He is moving and working. He promised to make His name Great and He  provides the provisions for what His plan is.

So, I am asking for prayer from you. Please pray that the Lord will guide us, that we will follow, and that He will provide in ways that are undeniably Him. Please pray that however this happens, HE is seen and that His name is praised. May all the tiny details point to Him.

Standing...with shaky knees...on the promises of God.

The still, small voice...at the deli counter.

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper... 

(1 Kings 19:11-12)

Last Friday, I experienced God at the deli at the grocery store. He came to me in a quiet, gentle whisper and brought tears to my eyes. This may all seem little and trite to you, but I want to document it because it was a precious moment between me and my God. 

I had woken up that morning with worry in my heart...worry about being a good parent, worry about the details that have to work out to bring our baby home, worrying that maybe we misunderstood...my worries seemed to be endless. So, I prayed a simple prayer of "God, just draw me close". Then, in typical Natalie-style, I went on with my worrying. 

Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you...

(Psalm 55:22)

As I turned on the radio, "Home" by Philip Philips was just starting to play. "Oh, I love this song!" and I turned it up. I have always cried at that song (I have posted this before), thinking about how it could very well be a love song between us and our baby, and between us and the Lord. I didn't stop right then and truly listen to the words that time though...just kept worrying and praying that the Lord would comfort me. (Are you laughing at me yet? Just wait, it gets better). 

Later on, as I was Pinteresting in between appointments, I came across this quote on a pin:  Adoption...not a second choice, a fallback option or because you can't have 'your own', but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the very parent He created you to be. I loved it and posted it to Facebook immediately. I really only focused on the first part of the quote right then...thinking about how it matched what I had written in this blog the post before this one. I still kept praying that the Lord would just speak to me and make my spirit calm. (Keep laughing at me, it's okay). 

I went through my day with that prayer...wondering why I just wasn't feeling peace. Then towards the end of the day, as I waited with a client at the deli counter of the grocery store, it hit me. The Lord whispered to me: "Natalie, I've been trying to tell you all day...I'm right here. This is what I called you too and I will provide. I'm right here." I reflected on my day: "Home" being played as I finished my prayer. The Pinterest quote "... but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the very parent He created you to be". He had been answering my prayers all day...I just wouldn't stop my self-focused worrying to realize it.  

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 (Matthew 7:7) 

I felt like my sister's cat when it finds a patch of sunshine on the floor. It just lays down and basks in the warmth and light. I just stood there (with grocery shoppers all around me) and let that truth warm my soul and the light brighten up the dark corners of my heart and mind, where I had allowed worry to sit all day. 

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...and be thankful (Colossians 3:15)

I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm thankful for answered prayer (even if I don't realize the answer right away). I'm thankful for the baby that the Lord has created with our home in mind. I'm thankful for moments of peace at the grocery store. I'm thankful for each step of this journey. I'm thankful for the peace of God. I am thankful for this life and all the blessings that I have been given. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

"Maybe you'll get lucky..."

Baby shopping. I've started and I can't seem to stop...nor do I really have the desire to stop. I love it. I love to walk through the baby aisles. I like to plan (as you all know, haha!) and dream and make decisions as to what we want to have for our baby. It's almost too exciting for me sometimes, actually! :-) My sister gave us a mobile for the nursery and my parents saved my baby crib and highchair for when we visit. Baby things are exciting!

People are talkative in the baby sections of stores...making suggestions and telling stories of their experiences of certain products. They tell me who/what they are shopping for and ask about me. I always say "my husband and I are adopting". Most of the time, we get "Oh, good for you!" or "How exciting!" or something along those lines.

However, that's not always the response. We are finding that once some people hear of our adoption, instantly our fertility becomes acceptable to ask about. We have heard this "Oh, you're a you adopting - can't you have your own children?", "Did you try in vitro?", "I could never adopt, there are too many screwed up/sick kids out there", "Maybe you'll get lucky and get pregnant, then you wouldn't have to adopt".

Growing up, my dad always told me to "shred my tongue" when I feel the need to tell the person in front of me what I am truly thinking about something I disagree with. Stop and pray for grace to be in my heart and words. I find myself putting that advice into play when I hear comments like that. Once upon a time, I thought international adoption was for other people. I don't understand what other people are passionate about, all the time. The Lord gives different passions and callings to everyone...it's beautiful, if you stop and think about it. If everyone had same passion - nothing else would ever get done. Adoption is not for everyone. Everyone is not going to understand and not everyone feels like I do. That's okay, it really is. My goal in life has never been to do what everyone else is doing or to make sure everyone understands my actions. My goal in life is to follow what I feel the Lord calling me to do. He is the One who makes my heart beat and the One who puts air into my lungs, He is the One who created me with the passions that I have and the One I want to serve. He is. 

Adoption is not our second choice. Have we given birth to a child, no. But, is this a reaction to that? No. We want to adopt. I've known this is what I was called to do since since I was a child. We know this is the path that the Lord has asked us to travel and we are JOYFULLY traveling down that path. We have no regrets. If we conceive and give birth to a child one day, that's great. But, I am not hoping for that. It's not something I have a strong desire for. It's not something I will be sad about if it never happens. Our baby is not less ours because he or she doesn't share our DNA. This is not is second choice. "Maybe you'll get lucky...". We already are.

...feeling blessed...

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

(Luke 2:19)

 

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you. This blog has become like a diary to me, and the thought of everyone in the world knowing about my innermost thoughts and fears made me feel so vulnerable and I went back and forth all night before finally pushing that "post" button on Facebook. I'm sure Mike would back me up when I say that I was having a little (and by that I mean, A LOT) of anxiety about it. I was seriously almost crying. But, I am so thankful I shared it. All of your kind words, your prayers, your congratulations have brought be to tears! Mike and I are both so humbled by it - our God is SO good. I actually had a hard time sleeping the first few nights after posting it on Facebook because my heart was so full. There is no other way to describe how I felt. Although our baby is an "orphan", he or she is already loved. 

"...my cup runneth over..."

(Psalm 23:5)

A few months before my Granpa Eddlemon died, he showed Mike and I a card that his brother had sent him. I think it was a birthday card. Inside, his brother had expressed his thanks for my Granpa's kind and gentle spirit and for his wisdom and love. Granpa looked at us as said "That's the Lord he sees - that's not me. I'm not those things, but He is." That moment has been engraved in the hearts of both Mike and myself. That's what we want everyone to see - we want you to see Him in this journey. The Lord is the writer and conductor of this beautiful piece of music. To HIM be the glory. In all the ups and downs, may He be seen in what we do. We just want to be faithful...the only thing we are doing in this whole process is doing what we feel Him asking us to do. That's it. We're not doing anything great and wonderful. We doubt, and we're scared, and we question how it's all going to work, and we do not have it all together. We're just following Him. So, anything good you see in our lives and in our story, that's not us...we are not those things. But, He is. He always will be. 

...(soli deo gloria) from Russia to Ethiopia

Natalie has wanted me to post on this blog for a while.  For a multitude of reasons I have not.  However, now I am feeling led to share some of my perspective of this journey.



Here is a sign which hangs in our office/library/spare bedroom.  Ryanne, a friend of Natalie and I, made this a few years ago for us.  For those of you who do not know Latin, this just means "Glory to God Alone"




For those of you who do not know, I am a very practical person.  I like to ask the question "why" and truly I am surprised my parents did not kill me for asking this question.   That being said, this great theological phrase is great to talk about, however it is even more amazing to see played out in person.

I have struggled in explaining to people how positive I am God called Natalie and I to adopt from Russia, even if the country remains closed.  That being said, I do not know the reason why God called us to adopt to Russia if the doors were going to close even before we were able to adopt.  I have some guesses, they may be true or they may be totally wrong.  One thing I do know is we still pray for a child in Russia, "our child". The other thing I know is Russia was the last on the list of places we wanted to adopt from, maybe God wanted us to be okay with any place, even if it was the last place we wanted to adopt from.  The other thing I know is, God is using this adoption process all for His glory.  Sometimes even with that being said, I wonder if I heard God's voice, the enemy feeds me the line that I did not hear right the first time and for sure am not hearing correctly this time.  Yet, when I look at Scripture I see stories where God clearly tells someone to do something, they are faithful, and then God tells them to stop.  I read the story of Abraham and Isaac and I am encouraged.  God really did call Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and before Abraham actually sacrificed Isaac, God stopped Abraham and provided a ram.  I don't get why God sometime chooses to do this and I am fine with it.

All that being said, do I feel like God is calling us to adopt from Ethiopia? Yes.  Do we feel as though we will be bringing home a child this time?  Yep.  Does it still take faith? Yep.

The amazing thing for me is my faith has been developed by leaps and bounds.  I can't figure out how all of this is going to happen.  Those of you who know me, know I like to be in control, I am what you might call a control freak.  In this process I have had to learn to let go, God has been gracious to me in that.  I look at what Natalie has posted and I almost laugh at my inability to make this happen.  And you know what, that is a great thing.  When this is all said and done and we bring home the most awesome, adorable child, it will not be by my doing.  Rather, God, the One who is in control of all, will have made this happen and He alone will be glorified.

It would be a lie to say I am not nervous.  However, I am so excited to see what God is about to do.  I am ready for Him to blow the lid off of what I and those around me think about Him and I am excited to see how He brings glory to His name.  Soli Deo Gloria.

 Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress

(1 Timothy 4:15)

 

Well, they say that "today nothing is official until it's Facebook official" (I'm not actually sure who "they" are in this situation, but you know what I mean). So, after I'm done writing this, it's going up on Facebook.

I'm not sure why this is making me as nervous as it is. Actually, that's not true - I  totally know, but to type it and see it in a font isn't so nice. I'm nervous to tell "the world" because I cannot guarantee a certain ending to this. I have my hopes of bringing our baby home and living happily ever after, but if you can take the time to read the previous entries, I have learned that all I really want is for God's name to be glorified. And it will be. He promises this.

We're on the journey to adopt from Ethiopia. It's scary and it's exciting. We are starting the process of the paperwork (side-note: I saw a pin on Pinterest today that said "No morning sickness, but the paper-cuts are terrible" and it is extremely true), saving our dollars, and (like my last post said) watching the Lord provide. Example of this: the same day that I wrote my last post, someone told us that they want to give monthly until our baby is home.

 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." 

(Matthew 6:34)  

If you think of it, remember us in your prayers. Pray for our journey, for our marriage, for our baby's health and safety, for our baby's birth mother and for his or her caregivers - our prayer is that they know the Lord and His merciful protection. Please pray for continual provision and that our lives represent the One we live for. 

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. 

(Philippians 1: 9-11)

 

We feel God asking us to adopt from Ethiopia and we are willing and excited. So now what? This is a very raw, and honest post for me...read at your own risk, but I need to be honest...and to see my darkest thoughts, to bring them to the light. God is bigger than my pride.

 At a leadership meeting at church, Sunday night  we shared what we had been praying about and where God is leading. We are BLESSED to have such encouraging people in our lives. People who will lay hands on us and pray for our journey, for Mike and I, for our baby, for our baby's mother and caregivers. People who already love our baby. They are excited for us and to be able to walk alongside of us as we travel down this path. 

After we shared, someone asked "so do you have a plan for the cost" (which is a fair question!). Ethiopia is about $33,000 (where Russia was over $50,000). Since the Lord stopped our process with Russia, we still have the money we had saved for that - amazing! When we submit our formal application and other paperwork, we are to pay about $3600. We don't have that money yet. So, to answer the question of "plans for cost" - we don't have a plan. 

Now, before you freak out and decide we are being lazy and flippant about this, let me explain something to you. This whole journey was not my plan. If I were to write out a timeline for my life (which, if you know me - sounds like something I would do)- international adoption would not be on it. (and if you've been reading this blog so far, you know that already). I don't have a plan because this is not my plan. I don't know how to plan for something that I don't understand fully. (Stay with me - I know this sounds awful). 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I did not plan this - God did. His plans are better than mine. If this journey hadn't been started, I would not have been able to see the amazing ways the Lord has already shown Himself to us. I would not have experienced Him in the way I have. Now, I'm not saying that planning is wrong - the Lord created the Earth with structure and saw that it was good. Faith calls for action. However, the Lord has said to us "Let me work". 

Honestly, it stresses me out...a lot. I love to make a list and get a sick happiness from crossing things off as I do things to complete the task. I love have a plan and to make things happen in order to complete the plan.. And it's pride...I can admit it. The deepest, darkest place in my heart says this: "So you're going to tell people that God called you to adopt, that it's expensive, and then just wait? You need to work for this and just be quiet about the financial part. Don't talk money. It's uncouth". I fight this daily...multiple times a day. The prideful, dark place in me wants to say "We don't need this. We'll figure it out somehow and that way we don't owe anyone anything". (Told you, honest and raw...I can feel that my face is flushed just writing it...stay with me). I have NO PROBLEM sacrificing in my personal life to make this happen. I would be so embarrassed to think that what's going on in my life, might cause someone else to sacrifice in their life. I'm like a 2 year old..."I can do it!". I don't want to ask for help.

Originally, we felt a call to Russia. It was a difficult call to listen too. It didn't make sense. But, after praying we felt that we had to follow. We got excited, and then the door closed. We thought I was supposed to go to get my Master's, but God had a different plan and I ended up changing jobs. All these things keep not happening like I thought they would. We felt a certain call, we decide to follow, I make plans...and then the Lord stops us. I think I'm starting to feel a little indignant...doesn't God know that I had a plan?? I get embarrassed that I can't control things. I get angry...I feel like God is playing a trick on me. I feel like I have to make excuses for why things didn't happen like I thought they would. I like a plan.

The temptation to "have it all together" is very real. The temptation to make a plan and force things to happen my way, is SO real for me. I have to call on the Lord's grace and mercy constantly to help me fight this. Because, the Lord is saying "watch me work". Somehow, I guess, I just think that He needs me to bring everything together. I guess I assume that He is going to tell me where He wants me, and then expect me to figure out how to get there by myself..that He will be waiting for me there, watching the time impatiently and telling me what I should have done differently to get there. But, that's not that's not the God I serve. That is not Who He is. It's not. He is not mean, He is not ungracious, He is not a jerk. He is here with me as I write this, probably smiling at how much it hurts my pride to be so honest about it. He is gentle. He is good. He is the One who provides. 

So there it is...my innermost thoughts and my struggles. God is saying "watch me work" and, as weird as it may seem to say, I am going to have to force myself to be still and know. To relax and not have a plan for everything. To be willing to do what I feel Him asking me to do to bring the funds in, even if "that's not the way I would do it". To let others come alongside of us and support us in every way. I am willing to sacrifice in our lives and to do fundraisers or whatever it takes. But, I am also willing (some days more than others) to watch Him work.

I just deleted what I was going to end this post with...it was an apology. But, I'm not sorry...I don't have it all together. I struggle with pride and control. I struggle with being still. I struggle with understanding how this is going to all work. I can't pretend that I don't. My goal is that through my life and through this journey, God's name will be made great. That my life points to Him. So please, as you read this blog...look to Him. Know that He is gracious and good and patient and merciful and everything that I am not. He is. He has saved me from myself...and He will do the same for you. Where I am weak, He is strong. I put my trust in Him. So, no matter the outcome of this...I believe in Him...in His plan, and that (in spite of me!) His plan will happen and His name will be praised.