Desperate.

It's dark and rainy outside, I have another 2 hours of free time, and I have about 20 different things that I "should be" doing...however, I feel the need to write, so that's what I'm doing to do. Two posts in one week - whoohoo!

I find that after I share my heart with people about this adoption, I am almost always overcome with the reality of my unworthiness...my severe lacking in trust, in faith, in grace, and every other thing that the Lord is, and I am very obviously not. Sometimes I feel like a fraud in this because I tell people what the Lord has been and still is doing, how He is providing, and what our hopes are. I get amazed at our story, because it truly is AMAZING. Then, I sit here after and realize that even after telling people of the great things that He is doing - I still doubt. I still try and run the show. I still question and I get frustrated. I want to shake people sometimes and make them see and then other times, I want to throw my arms up in the air and quit. I forget and loose sight of the goal and loose my grip on Him. I'm a jerk. It's like the verse that talks about looking in the mirror than walking away, totally forgetting what I look like. I am an Israelite, who has been freed from slavery, walking through the desert to the promised land and having my daily needs met without fail, but choosing to be blind to all the blessings and miracles. Seriously?

I am reminded of my unworthiness to be even a fleeting thought in the mind our Lord. I deserve nothing good...I am a brat that, in reality, should be put in the corner by myself for an eternal time out. But, for reasons none other that because He loves me, He extends Grace and Mercy to me. Daily. Hourly. By the minute and every second that I am here. I'm glad that I'm not God because I for sure wouldn't do the same. I shouldn't waste my time on me. (Be thankful for that people, I would be the worst God EVER). Sometimes, I feel like He shouldn't waste His time on me either - epsecially with how often I have to come to Him with my dark, cold heart.

I don't want to be a hypocrite...I don't want to write and speak about His Goodness and Faithfulness and then have these struggles. It's irritating and I wish so much that I could just learn and that would be it. That, however, doesn't seem to be the case. But, I guess these struggles are how He continues to mold me...He cleanses my lips with hot coals. He breaks down my pride and my selfishness and my lack of trust and He replaces it with Him. Discipline and learning are not painless. I hear though, that He disciplines the ones He loves....

 "...and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES." It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:5-7)

So that's the truth about me. I know that in spite of me and my "all over the grid thoughts and attitudes", God will make His name great in our story. He is not done with me and I am thankful for that. He gives HOPE and extends forgiveness, no matter how many times I come to Him with the same struggle. And I do struggle...and I will continue to struggle. But, He continues to pursue me with His love. A love that calls to my soul and that calls me to strive to be more like Him. And I really do desire that...but, I know that sometimes my thoughts, words, and actions don't show it. He won't give up...He is always working His plan...even when I choose to try and hide myself in the dark places. He has been, is, and will be there. I am desperate for Him.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; 
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

The Family of God...

Throughout my teenaged years, and some of my 20s, I spent my summers out in Colorado at Twin Peaks Bible Camp- first as a camper, then as a counselor. It was there, my very first summer out there, as I sat on the mini golf course by myself one night, that I felt God calling me to do something bigger than I could imagine. I didn't know what He was calling me to, I just knew that His plans were greater than mine could ever be.

Every morning at camp, we would all gather around the flag pole and raise the flag, say the pledge, and pray. We would also sing "I'm so glad, I'm a part of the family of God. I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His blood. Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod - for I'm part of the family...the family of God." (Before I get to my main point, I would like to point out that until I was about 19, I thought the words were "join ears with Jesus as we travel this song...") It makes much more sense with the correct words...

On to my point. The family of God. Since deciding to do the garage sale, I have seen so many people help out and love as a family would do. Some actually are family, some friends, and some are people that I don't know...but all are showing me Jesus. The family of God has loved, supported, and prayed with and for us.

The family of God has also meant something a little different to me this past year. Mike and I pray that our baby's parents and caregivers all know Jesus...and that one day, maybe not here in this life, we will all be reunited together with Jesus. A big 'ole family reunion. The family of God. So many who loved Jesus and because of that love, gave life to our child. Our baby (as an orphan) has a bigger family than they might ever know.

A family should work together for the good of everyone in the family because they genuinely love and care for each other. Part of the reason that I love this journal is because I want to be reminded of things like this as I go through life. I am so blessed to have you all be a part of our family.

A little Sunday afternoon update...

I have been thinking about this blog for the past week or so and saying "I need to write in there". I like the idea of being able to look back on these words years from now and see how the Lord provided and moved. I can already do that from what I have written since our journey started.  Writing has also become a way for me to clear my head. It is something that soothes my soul and helps me organize my feelings...sometimes, I find myself writing whole entries in my head if I don't have time to sit down at the computer and update. This journal has become a way of worship and extremely therapeutic for me!

The Lord has guided and provided for us since my last entry. Along with another couple from our church, who are in the process of adopting a little girl from China, we have decided to hold a big 'ole garage sale in the parking lot of our church.(September 6th and 7th for all you local people who want to buy our stuff!) ;-)  Different people from the church have said they will donate things they have made or they have, and all the proceeds go to of the families adoptions and to the adoption fund that is being started at the church. Our hope is that this can become an annual event, building the adoption fund and helping to bring more children home. Mike and I had some things for the garage sale, but not much...with every move, I like to go through our things and donate what we haven't used. (I hate clutter) However, my parents brought over things to donate to the garage sale and other friends have been so generous, saying that they have things to donate as well! While this garage sale probably won't bring in the entire amount that we need (that would take people wanting to pay like $100 for a used book, haha!), this will help and every little bit helps. 

We also want to eventually start a tax-deductible fund through an organization that supports adoptive families...giving families a way to help out in their local community, while raising awareness and money from helping other people in their community. We need to be to a certain point in our adoption process to sign up with organizations like that however, so for now we have set up a PayPal account and linked it to this blog. I don't want you, as friends, to feel like we expect anyone to donate money to this or that these writings are a way to just advertise. I cherish my relationships with you all and there are no words to express how grateful I am for the support we have received from people who read and follow our story. We feel your prayers and the kindness and love we have been shown is extraordinary. Please don't ever stop. The further we go into is process, the more we will need! As I wrote before, this is journey of ups and downs...and we know it will continue in that roller coaster way. If you feel like you would like to donate money, we thank you. No matter what the support is that you show our little family, you a playing a huge role. <3

Standing (with shaky knees) on the promises of God

First off: I wish that instead of talking to people, I could just write everything I wanted to say...sentences come so much easier to me and I find that my words don't get as jumbled and mixed up as when I talk...it's easier to focus on trying to make a point when I type. Granted, I'm sure that the "backspace" button here and the ability to double check that everything makes sense before I publish it has a lot (or everything) to do with it. Anyway...

The title of this post is my current state of mine, soul, and heart right now. I believe this is what we are to be doing. BUT, it's big and scary and overwhelming. (That's not new news, is it?) The devil has been working overtime to try and convince me to give up. But, I'm standing... Here's what's been going on:

We opened an account at the bank for the baby after a woman at our church came to us and said "God wanted me to give you this money for your adoption". Since then, we have been slowly adding to it and have been blessed by some beautiful souls have been willing to donate monthly until we bring our baby home.You all know how much I have ( still do) struggle with the financial part of our adoption. The Lord has said "watch me provide". So, I must hold to that.

This past Sunday, I brought a client to her church. During the service, I started praying about life...and especially about our adoption, asking for clarity and guidance. I felt the Lord say to me "Take it to Moran (our church) and wait". So, that's what I felt I had to do.

I sent out a text to a few of you this morning, asking for prayer. After work, I stopped by the church and the pastor was still there. I explained what was going on (not very eloquently though...thus the reason for the first paragraph of this post!) and I just kinda laid it all out there. We prayed, lifting up our baby and the whole process up to the Lord. There was no brilliant light that started to shine, there was no rich person who walked into the room after we said "amen" and handed me a check, there was no writing on the wall telling me the exact way this will happen. But, there was (is) His promise.

He has a great plan and He is moving and working. He promised to make His name Great and He  provides the provisions for what His plan is.

So, I am asking for prayer from you. Please pray that the Lord will guide us, that we will follow, and that He will provide in ways that are undeniably Him. Please pray that however this happens, HE is seen and that His name is praised. May all the tiny details point to Him.

Standing...with shaky knees...on the promises of God.

The still, small voice...at the deli counter.

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper... 

(1 Kings 19:11-12)

Last Friday, I experienced God at the deli at the grocery store. He came to me in a quiet, gentle whisper and brought tears to my eyes. This may all seem little and trite to you, but I want to document it because it was a precious moment between me and my God. 

I had woken up that morning with worry in my heart...worry about being a good parent, worry about the details that have to work out to bring our baby home, worrying that maybe we misunderstood...my worries seemed to be endless. So, I prayed a simple prayer of "God, just draw me close". Then, in typical Natalie-style, I went on with my worrying. 

Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you...

(Psalm 55:22)

As I turned on the radio, "Home" by Philip Philips was just starting to play. "Oh, I love this song!" and I turned it up. I have always cried at that song (I have posted this before), thinking about how it could very well be a love song between us and our baby, and between us and the Lord. I didn't stop right then and truly listen to the words that time though...just kept worrying and praying that the Lord would comfort me. (Are you laughing at me yet? Just wait, it gets better). 

Later on, as I was Pinteresting in between appointments, I came across this quote on a pin:  Adoption...not a second choice, a fallback option or because you can't have 'your own', but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the very parent He created you to be. I loved it and posted it to Facebook immediately. I really only focused on the first part of the quote right then...thinking about how it matched what I had written in this blog the post before this one. I still kept praying that the Lord would just speak to me and make my spirit calm. (Keep laughing at me, it's okay). 

I went through my day with that prayer...wondering why I just wasn't feeling peace. Then towards the end of the day, as I waited with a client at the deli counter of the grocery store, it hit me. The Lord whispered to me: "Natalie, I've been trying to tell you all day...I'm right here. This is what I called you too and I will provide. I'm right here." I reflected on my day: "Home" being played as I finished my prayer. The Pinterest quote "... but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the very parent He created you to be". He had been answering my prayers all day...I just wouldn't stop my self-focused worrying to realize it.  

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 (Matthew 7:7) 

I felt like my sister's cat when it finds a patch of sunshine on the floor. It just lays down and basks in the warmth and light. I just stood there (with grocery shoppers all around me) and let that truth warm my soul and the light brighten up the dark corners of my heart and mind, where I had allowed worry to sit all day. 

 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...and be thankful (Colossians 3:15)

I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm thankful for answered prayer (even if I don't realize the answer right away). I'm thankful for the baby that the Lord has created with our home in mind. I'm thankful for moments of peace at the grocery store. I'm thankful for each step of this journey. I'm thankful for the peace of God. I am thankful for this life and all the blessings that I have been given. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

"Maybe you'll get lucky..."

Baby shopping. I've started and I can't seem to stop...nor do I really have the desire to stop. I love it. I love to walk through the baby aisles. I like to plan (as you all know, haha!) and dream and make decisions as to what we want to have for our baby. It's almost too exciting for me sometimes, actually! :-) My sister gave us a mobile for the nursery and my parents saved my baby crib and highchair for when we visit. Baby things are exciting!

People are talkative in the baby sections of stores...making suggestions and telling stories of their experiences of certain products. They tell me who/what they are shopping for and ask about me. I always say "my husband and I are adopting". Most of the time, we get "Oh, good for you!" or "How exciting!" or something along those lines.

However, that's not always the response. We are finding that once some people hear of our adoption, instantly our fertility becomes acceptable to ask about. We have heard this "Oh, you're a you adopting - can't you have your own children?", "Did you try in vitro?", "I could never adopt, there are too many screwed up/sick kids out there", "Maybe you'll get lucky and get pregnant, then you wouldn't have to adopt".

Growing up, my dad always told me to "shred my tongue" when I feel the need to tell the person in front of me what I am truly thinking about something I disagree with. Stop and pray for grace to be in my heart and words. I find myself putting that advice into play when I hear comments like that. Once upon a time, I thought international adoption was for other people. I don't understand what other people are passionate about, all the time. The Lord gives different passions and callings to everyone...it's beautiful, if you stop and think about it. If everyone had same passion - nothing else would ever get done. Adoption is not for everyone. Everyone is not going to understand and not everyone feels like I do. That's okay, it really is. My goal in life has never been to do what everyone else is doing or to make sure everyone understands my actions. My goal in life is to follow what I feel the Lord calling me to do. He is the One who makes my heart beat and the One who puts air into my lungs, He is the One who created me with the passions that I have and the One I want to serve. He is. 

Adoption is not our second choice. Have we given birth to a child, no. But, is this a reaction to that? No. We want to adopt. I've known this is what I was called to do since since I was a child. We know this is the path that the Lord has asked us to travel and we are JOYFULLY traveling down that path. We have no regrets. If we conceive and give birth to a child one day, that's great. But, I am not hoping for that. It's not something I have a strong desire for. It's not something I will be sad about if it never happens. Our baby is not less ours because he or she doesn't share our DNA. This is not is second choice. "Maybe you'll get lucky...". We already are.

...feeling blessed...

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

(Luke 2:19)

 

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you. This blog has become like a diary to me, and the thought of everyone in the world knowing about my innermost thoughts and fears made me feel so vulnerable and I went back and forth all night before finally pushing that "post" button on Facebook. I'm sure Mike would back me up when I say that I was having a little (and by that I mean, A LOT) of anxiety about it. I was seriously almost crying. But, I am so thankful I shared it. All of your kind words, your prayers, your congratulations have brought be to tears! Mike and I are both so humbled by it - our God is SO good. I actually had a hard time sleeping the first few nights after posting it on Facebook because my heart was so full. There is no other way to describe how I felt. Although our baby is an "orphan", he or she is already loved. 

"...my cup runneth over..."

(Psalm 23:5)

A few months before my Granpa Eddlemon died, he showed Mike and I a card that his brother had sent him. I think it was a birthday card. Inside, his brother had expressed his thanks for my Granpa's kind and gentle spirit and for his wisdom and love. Granpa looked at us as said "That's the Lord he sees - that's not me. I'm not those things, but He is." That moment has been engraved in the hearts of both Mike and myself. That's what we want everyone to see - we want you to see Him in this journey. The Lord is the writer and conductor of this beautiful piece of music. To HIM be the glory. In all the ups and downs, may He be seen in what we do. We just want to be faithful...the only thing we are doing in this whole process is doing what we feel Him asking us to do. That's it. We're not doing anything great and wonderful. We doubt, and we're scared, and we question how it's all going to work, and we do not have it all together. We're just following Him. So, anything good you see in our lives and in our story, that's not us...we are not those things. But, He is. He always will be.