I'm annoyed at You...

One of the best things about God is that He can handle us. He shares our joy and our sorrow. He calms our fears and He reminds us that He's always present. He also okay with our anger. It doesn't scare Him. 

I've been, not angry but annoyed, at God this last week. It's been about 2 months and we have heard nothing. Our social worker actually told me that the person who processes the licenses for Bethany is very backed up and that asking about where our license was in line was not an option. All the while, we see advertisements and hear people talk about how "there are 13,000 children in foster care right now who need homes". We're trying!! 

I know all the "right" answers, you guys...I truly do. I'm just ready. We're ready. 

At work, I have taken on a new part to my job. I'm part of a team that does training on communication. How to listen, how to talk, how to handle conflict in life. And there is a line that has been sticking around with me this last week: "Conflict is a result of fear". The more I thought about it, the truer it became. Especially with my current 'tude towards the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. 

My annoyance comes from the fear of another failed adoption. Another child that I will not get to hold in my arms while on this earth. Another disappointment. Another broken heart. I'm not really annoyed - I'm scared. 

During church yesterday, God was loud and clear with me: "I can handle it. Tell me." And I realized that I hadn't told Him...I just cold-shouldered Him. I rolled my eyes and I was petulant. I sighed heavily and crossed my arms. All things that we teach others that leads to bad communication. It leads to the shut down of conversation. So I told Him "God, I'm annoyed and I'm scared and I want to quit this before it hurts again." 

I didn't hear Him scold me, I didn't feel shunned or like He wanted to punish my lack of faith. I felt Him tell me "Let me hold you - it's okay to be scared." 

Mike and I pray our "baby prayers" every night before we go to sleep. We pray the verse and the prayer, and Mike normally ends it with "and Lord, may it be this week." And I have another image of me, sitting on the lap of my Heavenly Daddy and with His arms around me, and tears on my face, I continue to say "Please". And the truth of it, at the heart of it, I would rather be there and asking "please" than sitting with my back to Him and rolling my eyes. 

Maybe we'll hear something today. Maybe we won't. Either way, I know in my heart that He can handle me. Like a sweet friend reminded me, "He's not backed up and He instructs us to keep asking...He is not remotely frustrated." He is constant, never blinking, and in this time of waiting He is not only holding me, but He is holding our babies. (He's got a big lap for all of us ;-) ) 

I need to end this on scripture...this is the verse we picked for Fridays, but I think it's applicable for a Monday morning as well: 

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."