Wisdom and hope.

I think there is a huge difference in someone who is "smart" and someone who is "wise". While smartness comes from the brain or memory, wisdom seems to come from the heart...from a deep acknowledgment about what is true. My Grandpa was wise (I'm not saying that he wasn't smart, but his wisdom is something I will always cherish about my memories of him). He had a settled calmness, that seemed to radiate out of him and it could make even the most arrogant person stop talking and really listen to what he was saying. He wasn't pushy or loud with what he was saying, he was gentle and he was loving...with a peace and understanding that I can only dream about having.

One of my aunts shared a memory with me about my Grandpa. It was during the evening, close to Easter, and they were sitting in the living room and talking - she, Grandpa, Gramma, and Charity. He said these words: "We have a tendency to think of 'hope' as in relation to a wish. But it's not. It's where God offers us to live."

Those words, that sentence, that truth, has been dancing around in my head and my heart the past few days. To be honest with you, since my last update here, I have been doing my best to NOT think about our adoption. I have been making the choice to not really acknowledge it because I don't want to get my hopes up, and then be disappointed again. (Before I go on, let me just say that the country is not closing to adoptions...but things might be changing that extends the wait time for families who are adopting from Ethiopia. Our adoption agency has said that while they have no new news yet, they are recommending that everyone continue on.) However, even with the knowledge that we are to  continue on as we were, I found myself closing my heart a little. No one likes a broken heart and I found myself deciding to close down in case something changed.

When someone would ask about what was going on, I would almost always say these words "I hope it all works out, we'll see". "Hope"...as in relation to a wish. "I hope so!" I might as well have been crossing my fingers or carrying a rabbits foot or not stepping on a crack or steering clear of black cats who might try and walk in front of me. But as I was running errands last week, the Lord brought Grandpa's wisdom to my mind...it was almost like I could see it. "Hope is where God offers us to live." 

Real hope is different that what I had been portraying. Hope is not a wish, it is a place where the Lord offers us to live...to stay...to be. Hope is a place where I acknowledge that what I want may not happen, but where I realize that He is lovingly in control. The Lord is offering me to live in a place of calmness, not in a place of waiting for the other shoe to drop, bag in hand and ready to run.

The Lord asked me then "Natalie, do you have hope?" and my first thought was "Yeah God, of course - duh". But then, He gently reminding me of where my heart was - I was choosing to put our adoption in the back of my mind...my frame of mind was "I'm not going to get my hopes up". UGH...okay, maybe not so much God.  "Natalie...I'm offering you real hope - true hope...not a wish" 

I just sat there, in the car, for a few minutes after the realization of where my heart had been. (ps: one of the most amazing things about God, is that when He reveals where my heart has been, He doesn't say "Haha, now just sit there and think about what you've been doing wrong, you jerk", He says "I love you, let's keep going") Just as I chose to not think about our adoption, I am now going to choose to remember what He showed me.

I'm choosing to have hope. Real hope. I'm not wishing about wishes that everything works out the way I want it too. I'm choosing to live in hope, even when I don't feel like and when it would be "easier" to worry about things. (Which, can be pretty often). I'm choosing to remind myself to let Him speak to my heart and remind me that He has put this passion in our lives for a reason and that He isn't a mean God who gives us passions and then leaves us hanging. He offers real hope to us...a place to stay forever. That's where I want to stay.

I promise to keep you all updated when we find out if anything is changing. But, until then, we're going to keep on going! Please remember us in your prayers...please pray for us to remember what is true. Please pray for the Lord to keep providing all we do need and will need...and please pray for the country of Ethiopia, as they discuss and talk. Thank you, friends...we love you.