crazy, wild...and peaceful....

I've always thought I'd be an adoptive mommy one day. I had three "Cabbage Patch" dolls as a little girl and thought they were great...they came with a birth certificate and a little poem-y thing about how important it was to love and care for your new baby. I loved the idea of being able to love on a little baby who didn't have anyone else. My junior year of high school, I decided to make it priority in life, to adopt a child. When Mike and I started seriously dating (which, let's be honest...was only 2 weeks after our first date), I talked to him about my passion for adoption. I was so excited when he seemed to understand it. Finding someone who understood, and got "on board", with my passions for adoption was an answer to prayer.

 We got married in June of 2006, and it wasn't too long after until we started talking about a family. Throughout all of our "children" conversations, adoption was always talked about as something we were planning on. We started to pursue a few different adoption/foster care opportunities and one way or another, nothing worked. We were frustrated....I wanted to be a mommy...Mike wanted to be a daddy. I felt the Lord saying "Natalie, I have called you to adopt. You will be a mother." but it was like the road we were meant to walk down was completely dark. "Lord, I know you want us to adopt...what am I missing? What's going on?". I can't even begin to count the tears that were shed.

Looking back on life, I can now see my arrogance...as much as I'd rather not see it, I have to admit it and realize God's goodness, and grace, and patience, with His stubborn little girl. I had a pretty bad attitude about some aspects of adoption. I was very against international adoption for myself. I couldn't visualize spending so much money to adopt a child, when there were thousands of children here in Michigan that needed families. I would tell people "I would rather adopt 10 kids from America with the same amount of money it would take to adopt one child from Russia" (always Russia...for some reason). I can almost hear the Lord's gentle laugh and Him saying "Oh child, just wait to see what I have planned for you".


On a Monday night in March, I sat in a coffee house in downtown Holland, talking to a dear friend of mine. I expressed my frustrations with adoption and she started to share about how her and her husband were feeling called to adopt from China. All of a sudden, it was as if I had been sitting in a dark room that was starting to light up. As she was talking, I heard a little voice in my head say "Russia". Well, as I said before, international adoption (especially from Russia, for some reason) was "not for me", so I ignored that little voice....or at least I tried too. "Russia, Natalie...listen to Me...Russia. Russia. Russia." Finally, I couldn't ignore it anymore...I was excited (and not really liking it). "I think we're supposed to adopt from Russia. That's why the road was so dark...Russia?". I asked her to pray about it, and as I was walking out of the coffee shop, I called Mike. "Mikey? I have something I need you to seriously pray about. I think we're supposed to adopt internationally. Actually, I think we're supposed to adopt from Russia.". 

We didn't really talk a lot about it until Thursday of that week. We were at dinner at a little family restaurant in Holland and Mike said "I think you're right...I think we're supposed to internationally adopt from Russia." I started crying (right there, in public)...excited tears, though. 

Our excitement lasted a few blissful days. I called the adoption agency that we felt was the one we wanted to work with and asked for the information to be sent out. It felt SO nice to be able to take a step in our new adventure. We were so excited! Then the paper work came with the prices for Russian adoption.  


We found out that the cost of a Russian adoption is over TWICE the cost of every other international adoption. We were both shell-shocked, to say the least. I was in tears again, but these were tears of confusion and (being honest again) anger. "What? Why? Seriously?". I asked the Lord so many times if He had really said "Russia". Maybe I had misheard...maybe I was making it up. Maybe I was wrong. He couldn't possibly be saying "Russia" when it was so expensive, and when I had been so willing and ready to adopt domestically. I struggled more with this, than I can ever remember struggling with anything else. It makes no logical sense. I can give you a list a million pages long about how it doesn't make any sense. Trust me, I've tried to reason with God about how it's just way too ridiculous. He must have been confused. ('Cause that happens all the time, right? Sovereignty doesn't come into play here apparently.)


Our Lord is gracious, loving, and good. So good. Throughout the next few days, He placed different sweet souls into my life, people who showed me Him. Their hugs, prayers, and words of His wisdom, changed my heart. "Our God is bigger than $50,000".  "There must be a sweet little face somewhere, that the Lord knows you need...and who needs you." "Be faithful, follow His lead. He calls us to be faithful, even when it doesn't make sense". The Lord used their words to change my heart...and my life.

It's so crazy...so wild. But, the peace that now fills my heart cannot be described in words. I love a child that I don't know. We pray for him or her, and for the birth mother. We pray that our child can know love from the second he or she is conceived. We pray for safety and health for both the mother and our baby. We pray for God's protection. I pray for the people who will take care of our child in the orphanage. I'm finding that the more I pray, the more peaceful I become. Crazy. Wild. Peaceful. 


So this is our journey...I know we will have ups and downs along the way. I know that I will have more tears, both happy and sad. I know it will be scary. But, I know that he Lord has a plan. He has been working this plan since before I knew it was a plan. 


Thank you for reading this. Thank you for walking along with us on this wild and crazy road. We are so humbled to be able to take this journey. And we love being able to share it with the ones who love and support us...and who will also love and support our sweet child.